Splitting Hairs

Thirty Four

How many times did I pray to God that this was just a nightmare?

I should be waking up now. Pero hindi. I was still wide awake. For some reason, I thought dreams were made to escape the painful reality. Pero lalo lang akong binabangungot. Hindi na 'ko magtataka kung isang araw ay hindi na'ko magising.

It was all too vivid. Because the truth was becoming real to me with each passing day. Ilang araw na ba nang bumalik ako dito sa Pilipinas? Isa lang ang na-realize ko: Ang tanga ko no? Ang tanga-tanga ko.

"Okay, get in line please!"

I stared numbly at the organizer. CM nudged my shoulder to keep going.

Kung umayaw ako, maiintindihan naman nila 'ko 'di ba? Dapat intindihin nila 'ko. But why should I be the one to understand them?

Walking down the aisle with the one you love is every girl's dream but walking down the aisle with the one you love when you happened to be the bridesmaid was out of the question. Now tell me, sino pa bang tatalbog sa pinakamagarang award na makukuha ko? Kahit nga si Janine San Miguel walang panama sa 'kin.

I was the first among the Miss Stupidest runners-up.

"Okay, music please..."

There was a pianist. Goodness, 'felt like it was my death march.

"Jeannie."

"Ha?"

Napatingin ako sa paligid ko. Sa 'kin lahat sila nakatingin. CM was eyeing me... pitifully. What had I done now? "What!" I snapped at the organizer. Tricia smiled at me hesitantly and reached out to me...

"What?"

"Jeannie... You're holding the bouquet."

Parang slow motion... napatingin ako sa kamay ko. I was clutching silly at the bunch of flowers. Kunwari tumawa ako. Then I gave Tricia the flower. When I looked up, I met a pair of dark, chinky eyes. Alam mo ba 'yung feeling na nagsisikip 'yung dibdib mo? Like you were getting suffocated due to pain? Na lalong sumasakit ang dibdib mo kapag pinipigil mong umiyak? That was how I felt just by looking straight at him.

My sister was staring helplessly at me. As if I was a dimwitted, hopeless case retard. She tried to pat my hand, but I turned away from her. Naiinis ako kasi masaya siya at ako hindi. Ang selfish ko no? I was hurting too much to be sensible. Kasalanan niya 'to. I glared at her.

Nanlaki 'yung mata niya na parang sinasabing: Oh, anong ginawa ko sa'yo?

She shouldn't have made me replace her. Hindi ko na sana nakilala si Julian. But then...

This practice was a major catastrophic event in my life next to having lost baby JJ.

Sana naman kung nakikinig siya... somehow, he could guide me. Willed her mother to be strong. Kasi feeling ko, either mabaliw ako or maisipan kong mag-suicide bombing sa loob ng simbahan.

I was walking like a zombie. I didn't know how I dared to be here. Fighting spirit. Free will. Or pride? I didn't know. They were right in front of the 'pretend priest' reciting their bows. Alam mo ba kung gano kasakit 'yun?

Hindi.

Of course, you'll feel my pain. But not really. Kasi sobra. This was what they called almost dying. The pain was excruciating. My heart wasn't just broken into two, but into many pieces.

"Julian Sunico, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife?"

My vision became blurred. Para akong nasa pelikula. Pero sana... sana lang may take two. Sana may cut. Para naman alam ko kung kailan pipigilan ang emosyon. No... Don't Julian.

"I do."

Just as the words were out. Hindi ko alam kung anong masamang espiritung sumapi sa 'kin.

At take note: sa loob ng simbahan.

I ran away from there as fast as I could. Out. I started crying and... vomiting. Kawawa naman 'yung mga walang kamuwang-muwang na halaman. Lalo na 'yung mga caretakers. But at this point in time, all I cared about was myself.

Nakakadiri ako. Oo na. Sipon. Luha. Lahat naghalo na. I couldn't stop from sobbing.

"Are you okay?"

I slowly looked up. Syempre nahiya ako sa ayos ko. I brushed my hair away from my wet face. He handed me a towel. He didn't say a thing. Neither did I. I just found myself sitting on the bench with him.

And he started talking. And of course, me listening.

"Do you know, I love this woman greatly."

Gusto kong isigaw na wala akong pakialam. If he was sympathizing with me, great. I didn't need another broken heart. Mine was enough for me to handle. Actually, I couldn't handle it at the moment.

"But she couldn't... she couldn't love me back. Her boyfriend got her pregnant. When he left her, I was there to catch her. That is what love is... isn't it? You have to give, to sacrifice and to understand. Pero anong alam ko nung time na 'yun? I didn't know that I was doing that specifically for her."

You have to give, sacrifice and understand. How cruel love is.

"So, I married her."

Napalingon ako sa kanya.

"But after all those years, she's grateful to me. But I didn't want her gratitude. I started hating her for not loving me back. I turned to women from night to night. The only way I knew I could hurt her back..." He shrugged. "Mali ako. Nagkamali kami pareho."

"And you hurt Julian the most." Bulong ko. Understanding what he meant. Sa totoo lang hindi ko naman talaga maintindihan kung anong ibig sabihin ng love.

Sabi nila wala daw definition 'yun. Pero naniniwala akong meron. But only... we had different meanings of love. It was only up to us how to show it. How could you let go of something that wasn't yours in the first place?

How could I forgive Julian for letting me go so easily? How could I stop the pain?

Would time really help me? Or would it just get worse? Hindi naman nakakamatay ang pagiging brokenhearted 'di ba? Unless maglaslas ka.

Go figure. At one point, we did things we would never have thought for the sake of love. Nakakatawa no? Manood ka ng XXX tuwang tuwa ka. Makakita ka ng PDA sa labas yamot na yamot ka. LOL. It was like that in love. Magulo. Hindi mo maintindihan. Not that I was saying love was connected to lust or so.

Whatever.

"I think, you just have to tell him that at some point you love him as a son. Akala niya na-neglect siya. Sinisisi niya 'yung sarili niya sa divorce niyo."

Mr. Sunico smiled at me. "You're a good woman. God will give you the man you are looking for."

I crossed my fingers and hiccupped. Sana nga...

I was walking down the memory lane. I loved him... I love him still... But things changed. I stopped dead in my tracks. He was there, standing as if he owned the world. Like he always. But this time... there was one thing he didn't own anymore.

"Sa tingin mo ba kung mabubuhay tayo ulit gugustuhin mo pa rin akong makilala?" I tried not to croak. God. I really tried. This time I was successful. He frowned at me.

"Why are you asking this nonsense?"

"Nonsense?" I laughed. "Just as I am to you, right?"

"Jeanni—"

"Kung hihilingin kong maging masaya ka, that would be sheer hypocrisy Julian, but then I wished with all my heart that you'd be happy... if only that is with me."

He was looking down at the stones. Nothing to say.

"I loved you." Julian whispered.

Ngumiti ako. Loved. Bakit pa kasi nauso ang past, present and future tense?