back in the 4th grade (is where i will start) everyone was seperated between "girly girls" and "tomboys" i was one of the girly girls before-hand but when i heard about being different i really took to the idea..i liked it..i liked how i could talk to boys about bug guts and how the little cheerleader girls would say "ewww,lily,your so gross!"...my best friends were boys in the 4th grade..i distinctly remember hanging out with the girls too,though..but if it came down to them..i would choose the boys..they were my first example in life of friends.this probably made a big impact on how i turned out as a person later on.
time went on and my liking for the other side came up.by the 6th grade i had found my true ever-loving addiction to vampires..ghosts made a close second to my love..and i never outgrew my imaginary friend,salem.he was a vampire of course.i never really imagined what he looked like though.maybe it was too much for my brain.i dont know.later on though he got the name goth look to him.i roleplayed him.he was goth to me.maybe one of the first looks into goth life for me.sure u had seen some movies with goth people.like Lydia from Beetlejuice.i always thought that she was pretty and i wanted to be like her.but..truthfully..thats how i thought everyone felt.i didnt know what some people actually ENJOYED the life i hated..
7th grade was a big big milestone..i realized the most important thing..no boy would talk to me..and when i was around my "group" of girly-girls which i dont remember how i got to know them..i think i was friends with one of them and they wouldnt let me go out of their group..i found them constantly fighting over dramatic stupid reasons! crying because one girl had hit them or said something mean! and in the mean time they looked at me like i didnt exist! this send me into a state of needing things like teddy bears.i didnt finally find a way to get over their reject until i roleplayed i dont think.
i could go on forever on how those girls never said a word to me! they wouldnt look at me! they called me names when i didnt wear pink! i hated it! i hate it i hate it i HATE IT!!!
what i got from them was out to be stronger around people...but i started to isolate myself..depended TONS on stuffed animals..i admit to talking to them..i talked to myself..and to salem,alot,he was helpful to me..i met a couple people..they were very very nice to me..they listened when i talked..and oh how i just loved the feeling..i acted stupid so they would listen more..i said stupid things and..i could cry,im still so happy..they would listen..they would look at me when i talked..it brings tears to my eyes..2 summers later..2 of them moved away..again i was dependent on roleplaying and being away from everyone else.
the two had left me with the ones that were..inspiring gothics i guess i could say..but by now i had enough misery..i hid all of my real thoughts away and was able to pour them into my stories..my stories were like therapy to me..they progressively got darker! i could write about the death of the inoccent and laugh about it! i could write stories about mad people and side with them..sigh..those kids brought me the wonderful gift of being able to know how great it is for someone to listen..i listened to them..and got the same respect..for once in my life i was an equal..i was allowed to be who i wanted! accepted the way i am! you cant understand how wonderful it felt! now i knew that i wanted to be the outcasted girl.i tried to be more like them.i had never tried to fit in before and it was dificult before then but they accepted me in.i was a part of a group! not just..a person that stands around and never gets talked to.people talk to me.in this point i was happy with being dark!
i started to isolate myself more to fit in with them..to this day i dont go outside..i try to keep my skin pale so people will not expect me to go out..i think its prettier this way too..people would talk about "dirty" things..i blocked the whole idea out..part of my act of acting stupid required a certain child-like inoccence to me in that i would pretend to not understand..i understand..i would-and will- swear up and down that i dont know what your talking about..but i know..i just dont accept the idea is all..i want to be different,remember? i prefer people to not go there.
..it took me a while but i finally found a good group for roleplaying..starting with a girl named violet,she symboled how i felt,and i could give her deep meanings and feel better..then i added maxie..she symbolised the innoccence that i try to keep..lora lye would symbolise anger that i have -im only human-salem,of course,was comfort..he is very much comforting..only when he is put to story lines does he lose that..occasionally..all of them sort of symbolised me in a way..they all seem to be longing for something greater than themselves
sorta like how i was always looking for acceptance..
