Finding Lonnie Collins

Chapter 1

I can't help but think back to when the times were easier. I didn't have to explain to people how I felt and how I wish I still had my best friend right by my side at all times.

"Yes I'm sad, but I'm doing better."

"No I'm not having suicidal thoughts."

"What's running through my mind? Well at least five thousand different things." "Please, I just want answers."

It is the worst walking through these hallways. They all stare at me. Most of them feel bad, or at least pretend to be. Then, there are the few who, after everything I've been through, are jealous of all the "attention". I don't feel the need to scream, or even cry. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I want my best friend back. I'm going to do everything I can to get her back.

This is the type of situation where everyone cares for the first five minutes and then once they get all their own attention from the situation, it's over. It's like when Jacob Meyer committed suicide. Everyone posted pictures about how much he impacted his or her lives. Then they get all this attention about how their "friend" passed away. But this will never be over for me. I will not stop until I find her.

"It won't always be this hard, Astrid. I am praying for you and so are many other people."

"Mom, I'm fine. Lonnie's not dead." I mean, I didn't know for sure but I was hoping. She looked back at me with a look of grief. She had no hope. Just because other people thought she was dead didn't stop me from imagining her alive.

"You better get to school. Please try to keep your head in your academics while you're in class. I have a good feeling about the university." My mom was always thinking about my future. I was too. But I had always imagined my best friend being a part of it.

We had plans to go to the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. I was going to study nursing and she was thinking about social work. As I thought about the future, I had always imagined Lonnie being there with me.

It will happen. I will find her, and we will do the things we always talked about.

As I walked out the door I overheard my mom say to my dad "I sure hope she can move on at some point, I've never seen her like this."

I can't stand this negativity.

I went to school and barely made it in time. I noticed I was wearing the same sweatpants that I had worn the day before. There also seemed to be a stench that followed in my path.

Am I deteriorating? Is this what depression looks like? Is this what depression smells like? I'm not depressed. I'm not going to be depressed unless Lonnie ends up being dead, which isn't going to happen. I need to do something.

Two Weeks Ago

"Astrid, listen to me! It is time that we grow up. We're seniors now. Do you realize there are so many things we haven't done yet?"

"Like what?" I naïvely asked.

"Umm, like streaked."

"Streaked?"

"Like ran around naked! Or smoked pot. Oh my gosh we should try that sometime. I heard it doesn't hit you the first time you do it."

I thought back to the time I was at a party at Emerson Greenway's house and everyone was passing a blunt. I laughed at Lonnie's idea.

"No way" I chuckled, "I'd rather get drunk than smoke weed."

"That's a good idea too, although we've done that a couple times before." Lonnie responded. "That's it. We'll go to a party tonight, not one of those boring high school parties, but a real party. A college party. With cute frat boys and loud music. Doesn't that sound fun, Astrid?" Lonnie was always the dare devil and I just followed her around most of the time, but this time I was a little hesitant.