Kakashi's Porn

-TAURUS-

Mid-day

"Kakashi, this is an A-rank mission-

"I want one, why does he-

"SHUT UP NARUTO!"

"But Baaaaa-chaaaaan!?"

"Shut up Dobe."

"Eh? You shut up Teme!"

"Usuratonkachi!"

"Both of you SHUT UP!"

Sakura's super hurtful, power punches GO!

"You didn't have to hit us Sakura-chan."

"ARE YOU ALL DONE? I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER!"

"Hai."

"Okay, Kakashi, for twenty-four hours you are not to have access to you 'special' vault, do you understa-

THUD.

"HE'S NOT BREATHING!"

"KAKASHI-SENSEI?!" pause "TEME JUST DON'T STAND THERE!"

"..."

"SAKURA! STOP SCREAMING AND DO SOMETHING!"

"I CAN SEE THE LIGHT! I MUSN'T GO NEAR IT!"

"NARUTO! YOU'RE NOT DIEING!"

"THE POWER OF YOUTH REPELS YOU!"

"Gai?...STOP FLICKING HIM WITH HOLY WATER!"

I can't believe I'm going to die this way...wait...why is Gai here during my last moments? And why is he acting as if I'm possessed?

"GAI-SENSEI YOU ARE THE BEST AT GETTING RID OF UNYOUTHNESS-LESS!"

...

"Wait, who's going to teach me how to get Mangekyou Sharingan?"

TAURUS

2:00

Sitting in my living room, in a corner with my head bowed, I occasionally lifted my head to watch team remove everything from my porn vault...I promised that I would die protecting them but they betrayed me! When I was forced to show them the location of my special place I looked each of them in the eye, pushed my bed aside and opened the hatch, LIKE A MAN!

Kakashi-sensei, that didn't happen.

Naruto, go away, I'm telling the story for once.

But you're telling lies.

Sakura, shush.

All of you are getting on my nerves, here's what actually happened.

-flashback-

I was forced to help clear my perverted sensei's vault, and just by hearing these orders from Hokage-sama I knew that he'd make a scene. Pounding obnoxiously on the door, the dobe yelled his name...for over thirty minutes; Kakashi was too much of a baby to open the door.

By the time we had kicked down the door, we searched for Kakashi who was in his bedroom crying -there was something in my eye- over how much he'll miss his porn. An hour and a tantrum (by Kakashi) later we finally found out where he kept his 'prized' possessions. Clinging on to my legs crying -THERE WAS SOMETHING IN MY EYE - I helped clear the demeaning object which against my will were to be stored in my house.

-end flashback-

Wow, Sasuke said more than three words...anyway, DON'T BELIEVE HIM!

-TAURUS-

2:00

Alone.

That's how I feel.

No women in skimpy underwear.

No Icha Icha books.

No lemons.

NOTHING.

The copy cat ninja reduced to a baby without a bottle.

And worst of all I was forced to go to Ichiraku's

Oh yeah...Sai was there as well...seems like he got suckered into going, like me.

"Hi, welcome to Ichiraku's."

"Hi Ayame! I want one order of each type of ramen on page one..."

"Okay and I would like-

"two, three and four."

"Naruto, don't interrupt me...and that's everything on the menu excluding drinks"

"Sorry Sakura-chan."

"Anyway, I want miso ramen please, what about you Sasuke?"

"The same."

"Sai, what about you?"

"Chicken."

"Okay and how about Kakashi-sensei?"

"Is he okay, does he not like our ramen or this place?"

"It's not your fault Ayame."

Looking around I was met by two worried faces, stoic glances and the grinning face of Naruto, who wasn't even really looking at me but instead drooling over his ramen which was being made.

"I'm fine; I just don't feel like eating."

MY PORN! Why do they hate me so!? I'm their sensei, don't they care about me!

2:45

"Naruto, where do you put it all?"

"Maybe he tries to make himself feel better by eating to his heart's content, to make up for the fact that he has no dick."

"Hn."

"What did the traitor say, Hag."

If you're wondering as well, here's a translation of what 'hn' means in this case:

I miss orochi- I threatened to destroy my village and almost succeeded all because my lovely sensei broke my heart and crushed my dreams- maru...okay, I made that up, I have no idea. Anyway, back to the conversation.

"Shut up Sai! I have one...look!"

"MY GLORIUS, VIRGIN EYES!"

"So you do have one...a tiny one."

"Dobe, put your pant back on," pause, "its okay Sakura."

As Sasuke cradled Sakura against his chest, shielding her from the 'horrors' (1) of a pants less Naruto, I hoped that Sasuke would follow Naruto's example and take our little Sakura, right now, for my porn deprived eye to gaze upon. (A/N: He really is perverted to want to watch his students do the bed sheet tango.)

"SASUKE, MY PRODIGY, STOP BEING A GAY, CHIKEN ASS HAIRED EMO AND SATISFY OUR CHERRY BLOSSOMS NEEDS!"

"Kakashi-sensei?"

"Kakashi?"

"Eep" blushes and pulls away.

"... " glares and lets go of Sakura.

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have said that out loud. Hehehe. Wow, the atmosphere is tense.

-TAURUS-

3:00

I know what to do! I shall get Sakura to go into the river, which will make her white summer dress wet and see through, clinging to her newly developed curves,- not that I noticed (shifty eye)- whilst I make sure Sasuke witnesses this and then watch as he rebuild his clan.

Perfect.

"MWAHAHAHA!"

"Kakashi-sensei, why are you laughing maniacally?"

"Ignore him, dickless he's just going crazy."

"Hn."

Time to put my plan into action.

"Hey Sakura, let's see how far you chakra control has come along."

"Oh, okay, what do you want me to do."

"Go to the river bank."

"Yes."

"And jump into the lake."

"Huh?"

"Jump."

"No."

"I'm your sensei, you have to do as I say."

"I'm not jumping in there."

"Do I need to push you in."

Punch

"Wow, it's a new 'How far can Sakura-chan punch you' record and this time I'm not receiving the punch"

-TAURUS-

5:00

Okay, everyone knows for a fact that Sasuke is overprotective, competitive and easily jealous. So in theory, if I got someone who likes Sakura to ask her out, Sasuke will claim her as his by deflowering her... well after he beats up the guy. Or maybe, if I'm lucky, I might witness a threesome...I pray that the Gods will give me the opportunity and pleasure of gazing upon, with star filled memorised eyes on the scene of a threesome.

"Yes!"

Four simultaneous sweat drops.

"I think he's finally turned crazy."

"I knew that when he tried to push me in a lake."

"Maybe we should take him to the hospital."

Now, who should I get to be the poor sucker?

"YOUTH! GAI-SENSEI, THIS IS A GREAT WORD FOR THE DAY!"

Bingo. Wait. What? Youth is the word of the day. They say that dreaded word every day. Anyway, I need an excuse to get away.

"I have to go to the...uh...BYE!"

"Wait! We were going to take you to the hospital!"

-TAURUS-

5:05

"Yo! Lee"

Running as fast as I could, I had managed to catch up with Lee.

"Hai, Kakashi-san! (2)"

"How do I say this? Well, Sakura, being a shy girl, is finding it hard lately to talk about her feelings for a certain" wink "someone, if you know what I mean, eh Lee." Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

Hoping he understood, i waited for Lee to catch on.

Why is he silent?

He looks confused. Seems like he only understands Gai's nonsense. Ah well, I'll just tell him.

"Sakura likes you"

3

2

1

Brain overload, brain overload.

"MY SAKURA-SAN LIKES ME!"

"...Yes..."

"YOSH! I SHALL FIND HER!"

"Wait Lee, you have competition, you have to plan this out carefully or you'll loose her."

"What should I do?" pause "Who wants Sakura-san as well?"

"I wasn't supposed to say anything but it's Sasuke, so ask her out before he does but don't tell her it's a date or she will know I told you, understand?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, well I'll be seeing you."

This generation is so easy to manipulate.

-TAURUS-

5:20

When I reached my team, Naruto, Sai and Sasuke were watching- or glaring in Sasuke's case- at Lee as he talked to Sakura. As Lee left they then turned their attention towards Sakura -or again in Sasuke's case, continued glaring at Lee until he was out of sight, lessened his glare and then turned his attention towards Sakura.

"Sakura-chan, what did he say?!"

"He wanted to have dinner with me today."

"Wow, the Hag got asked out on a date."

"It's not a date, he said so himself, he just wanted to talk since we've both been busy and haven't seen each other in a while so I agreed" pause "Sasuke, are you okay, you look angry and is that the-

"MANGEKYOU SHARINGAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

"Naruto stop screaming whilst running in circles."

6:00

"I miss Sakura-chan! Now I'm surrouned by Sasuke-teme, Sai-teme and the perverted weirdo."

"Dickless, the Hag has only been gone for 5 minutes."

"YEA! But you're all boring."

Silently I watched my favourite stu- woops! Tsunda-sama said I can't call Sasuke that- anyway, I watched him as he seethed over the 'date' and most likely is thinking of ways to harm, maim or kill Lee.

"Hey, Sasuke-teme where are you going?"

Silence...well that's what everyone probably expected without me telling you all.

"HEY DON'T IGNORE ME!"

Oh oh, this isn't good. I wanted Sasuke to appear when Lee and Sakura are having 'coffee' at Sakura's house and there to be passionate words exchanged between all three of them, leading to them doing the bed sheet tango whilst I watched... (sniff, sniff) I wanted my threesome.

"WHY! GODS OF INTERCOURSE, DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH! I ALWAYS THANKED YOU IN MY PRAYERS!"

"Sai I think we should leave, he's scaring me," pause "You left me as well!"

Standing alone, I wept manly tears of sorrow.

-TAURUS-

7:00

Waiting in the shadows for Lee to arrive, I watched as Sakura stood outside the restaurant and couldn't help but feel somewhat guilty. I was about to reveal myself when Sasuke approached her, making her face completely light up. Leaving them alone to do what they wanted- whilst hoping that my perverted dreams won't come true since we really need an able, non-pregnant medic-nin on the team- I turned around one last time to see them walk inside.

Maybe for once happy endings will happen for team 7...or at least most of team 7 minus me (sniff, sniff)

"MY ETERNAL RIVAL! LEE'S IN HOSPITAL!"

That explains what happened to Lee; it would be odd that he stood her up.

-TAURUS-

The next day.

7:00

"Ohayo, Teme, Sakura-chan!"

"Ohayo, Naruto...Kakashi-sensei?!"

"Yea, I know...he's early."

"Hn."

"Seriously, what does 'hn' mean?"

Carefully observing Sakura since she's easier to get the truth from, I waited for her to look in my direction, so that I can trap her in my all powerful 'I KNOW WHAT YOU DID BUT I WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU FIRST TO MAKE YOU SUFFER' gaze.

"Ano Kakashi-sensei? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Oh I was just wondering why did you and Sasuke arrive TOGETHER and why are you standing soo close?"

"I think Tsunad-shishou is calling me...bye!"

"Wow, who knew Sakura could run so fast? Look at that trail of smoke she's leaving behind her."

"Traitor, are you blushing?"

"Shut up, replacement, why are you still even on this team?"

"Weren't you taught never to answer a question with another question?"

"Hey Teme, you are blushing, is there something going on between you two?"

"Okay Naruto, Sai stop making fun of him...though Sasuke, I'm happy to find out you're not gay, but still who knows, you might be using Sakura to make us think you're not, anyway, let's start sparring"

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

"I'm right next to you."

"...I WAN TO FIGHT SAI FOR TREATING ME TO RAMEN, LAST NIGHT, AND NOT PAYING!"

My aching head.

"I said 'let's go and eat whatever you want, I don't mind', I said nothing about paying."

"I HAD TO PAY FOR 26 BOWLS!"

Ignoring Naruto's ramblings I stood next to Sasuke.

"I guess I'm sparring against you then, Kakashi."

"Joy..."

-TAURUS-

11:00

Lying in the hospital bed my successor put me in, I contemplated on how instead of seeing some action, my students got some. Ah well, maybe I'll become an Uncle and there's only one more hour until I get my porn...

Insert starry eyed Kakashi.

Insert tears of joy.

Insert a "YES!"

-Outside the door-

"What's going on in there?"

"He's been like that for a while."

"Yeah, yelling random things."

"Dickless, ran screaming that he's possessed."

"Hn."

"I see, maybe this is a side affect form emptying his porn vault, I think all of you should get his precious belongings out of Sasuke's house and return them."

"Hai."

"Actually Sakura, Sasuke, how was the food last night or better yet, Sasuke have you told Sakura about how and why Lee has sevre burns and is mentally unstable?"

"Food! What food! I think Shizune-nee-chan is calling me!"

Glare, "Hn", blush, walk away.

"The young are so easily embarrassed"

-TAURUS-

Mid-day

By the time I arrived home, which the Hokage ordered me to do, I was filled with suprise, awe, fulfilment and completion, as my porn returned.

"SUPRISE!"

"Hn."

Silence from Sai.

"THE VOID IS FILLED!"

"...suprise?..."

"Hn?"

Silence again for Sai

Insert 4 simultaneous sweat drops.

Insert Kakashi crying.

"Okay...Sasuke-teme, Sai-teme, be more enthusiastic, Sakura-chan and I can't be the ones carrying this group."

"Naruto's right, we need to congratulate Kaka...HE'S DEAD!...wait...no...he fainted again."

"Sakura-chan's going to make us carry him to hospital again, isn't she."