***
She was my classmate last year, an irregular 3rd year Psychology student, a transferee. She isn’t pretty, plain-faced in fact but she has a good sense of humor and kindness that is irresistible to bear. She is a cool, one-of-the-boys type of girl.
I befriended her and began liking her eventually. She’s Nicole Perez, I used to call her “Nic-Nic” and she calls me “Han-Han” as from my name Johann Pueblo. Cute call signs right? :)
We got to hang out once in a while, talk over the phone, text and video chat. You know the usual things that good ‘buddies’ do. But the sad part, she has a boyfriend and with due respect to their relationship. I decided to keep my feelings to myself.
Then after quite a while, I was surprised to hear from her that she and her boyfriend broke-up. I became her shock absorber, her shoulder to cry on. She’d confide her most private thoughts about their break-up. The more we became close to each other, the more I get to know her, the more I’m falling in love with her. I allowed some time for Nic-nic to get over. Then I told her that I am going to court a girl who has been a special friend of mine. I watched her reaction and I felt a pang of jealousy in her words. She told me, “You better get my permission first, and I have to see and know her so you’ll be with the right girl.” I smiled a bit, deep inside I’m happy to know she’s affected that gives me a chance.
Unfortunately, after that meeting we never talked again like we used to. Oftentimes, she refuses to answer my calls and messages. Whenever I approach her she would send me off and it hurts. I was puzzled by her actions so I decided to give her space. I cannot court her if she’s treating me this way and what’s worse is, I began to think that maybe she and her ex-boyfriend are back in each other’s arms. So I stopped the idea of courting her, I told myself we’re better off as friends.
One afternoon at the corridor she approached me. She said she was sorry for putting a distance between us. That she did it for her sake. I was shocked, I didn’t know what to say when she asked me to be her boyfriend. She said that she can’t bear to see me with another girl. She even told me that the main reason why she split up with her boyfriend is because she’s falling for me. She can’t be somebody else’s girl when her heart belongs to another guy, me.
I was probably not thinking straight that time because I said no. I rejected her just like that when she took that great gulp of pride to come forward and tell me what she feels for me. It was the biggest and most stupid decision I have ever made in my whole life. After sometime, I eventually learned that she’s badly sick and they got back to Cebu. Reasons why I don’t see her around, that reality is killing me softly.
I tried to call her, check her blog and profile but I didn’t get anything from those. Until, one morning I checked my e-mail and I was surprised to see a message from Nic-nic. As I opened the message, I saw our picture together eating ice cream at the playground. Below the picture is a sweet note telling, “No matter what, I’ll always love you as a good friend and as someone special. Thank you for the times we shared, for the weird things we did together. Stay happy! I love you Han-han.”
I felt that teardrops are falling from my eyes. I messaged her back saying, “Nic-nic sorry, I miss you so bad and I love you so much. I was so coward not to tell you how I feel. I’m damn stupid. Forgive me! Just tell me where you are and I’ll go there right away.”
I’ve waited for her reply, after an hour a message popped out. It was one of the most painful news I’ve heard in my entire life. “I’m sorry to tell you but Nicole will not be able to read your message for her, she’s not around anymore. Three days ago she passed away. She’s now resting in peace, thanks for loving my sister. Bye! ” As I finished reading the message my mind can’t take it, I started to grasped for air, can’t hardly breath. My heart is being screwed. I want to die now! I shouted hard while crying my lungs out “Nicole why did you leave me!”
It took me a year to accept that tragedy. I have planned to commit suicide several times, but whenever I’m about to do so, these words came flashing in, “Stay happy! I love you Han-han.” And it fixes up my mind not to do that stupid stuff, because for sure Nicole won’t be happy. Up until now I do cry over my mistake and her loss. People say, “Boys don’t cry, but men do.” And I will agree that it’s alright to cry over something or someone we lose along the way. If crying is the only way to release a bad feeling, I dare say it’s definitely alright. A teardrop for the one I love …..
