Living With Two Bodies

Living Within Two Bodies - Ideas

There was no victory. Even if there had been, I would never have felt it, or participated in it. Dully, I had let the sadness wash over me until Brooklyn’s body was dragged away. I remembered seeing the long trail of blood staining the ground. I remembered idly following it out of the Arena, and being chaperoned in the long walk of shame back to my cell. It seemed empty now. There was nothing there to entertain me, no-one to talk to. I felt like I wasn’t worth anything, and that I should have done more to protect her. I was dying inside; this was a feeling worse than anything I could ever imagine. But even if I knew what death felt like, I was sure this was worse by far. Somewhere in the desperation and bitterness of my unconscious trying to live, I lost a friend. I knew if I really wanted to, I could’ve saved her. I could’ve stopped myself. I couldn’t help but blame myself, this was, after all, my fault. All my fault. There was no-one else to take the blame. I knew exactly what I’d done, and I hated it. I hated myself. I was crying still, pouring my heart out.

My claws extended. Although I knew how no-one would understand why I did this, I began to slice across the skin on my arm. I wasn’t slitting my wrist per say, but I was letting out my own blood, a part of me. I had been hurt by Brooklyn in the fight, but this was something I needed to do, so I knew what I deserved, to release some of the pain I felt. My mental pain was replaced with physical, as I let the blood trickle gently down my pale white arm. After a while it calmed me, I didn’t cry as much, although there were still tears that managed to leak out. I felt guilty, but I knew there may not have been a way for me to control it.

I stopped cutting. I lay down, my head hitting the ground sharply. I didn’t care about fighting anymore, or becoming stronger, or anything. All I wanted to do was get out. And I knew it had to be soon.

Within a few minutes, I fell asleep from exhaustion.

When I woke up, pills and water was being handed around. I couldn’t help it though, I wanted to stop taking them, but I needed them to survive. In my dreams I had had a revelation. This Prophecy was something I needed to fulfill, so I could save not just myself, but the other people. And I needed to do this for Brooklyn.

The decision was made, but the plan was not. I didn’t know how to go about this, and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I had to have help, from the only person I had left. Milo. Impatiently I waited for training, this was the only place we could talk together. We couldn’t even communicate through walls, because of the empty cell between the male and female cells. I don’t think he knew anything yet, but I would have to explain everything quickly, and prevent emotions from resurfacing, so we could design a plan as soon as possible. I hadn’t the faintest idea what to do, they had probably been expecting this or dealt with this in the past. But I knew that I had nothing to lose. Apart from Milo. He was the sweetest guy imaginable, and I couldn’t stand back and watch him get hurt too. Emily Bronte once claimed in Wuthering Heights that her character would prefer to live longer than her lover so he would never know the pain of losing her. A noble thing to say, but I was selfish, and knew I could not bear to watch Milo die. Not if I could help it, because I was sure that he could not love me half as much as I loved him, and he did not deserve to die when he didn’t have to. Despite that, I was not sure if he truly felt the same way as I felt for him. Things would never be the same from now on. If I died, at least I tried, and wouldn’t have to cope with this any longer. Right now, death seemed comforting, an easy release to freedom. But not to try would be pointless. Regret filled my empty body. As these thoughts repeatedly came forward, time passed. It passed quickly, quicker than ever before. I would not, could not sleep again. Not until the pain in my mind has eased. When it came, the disfigured being’s footsteps reminding me of training, I still felt sick to my stomach. Although I felt as if I had some purpose, it didn’t stop me from dreading what was ahead.

After all this waiting, I was there, walking through the doors that revealed the gym. As not to seem suspicious, I began the routine I usually followed, by starting on the treadmill to warm up, and get the lactic acid pumping. I caught sight of Milo, on the other side of the gym, training with machines that used weights. I couldn’t admire him now, I didn’t even want to. It wasn’t that I found him disgusting now, or that I didn’t like his amazing personality, it was just that there was something more important to be thinking about at the moment. Pounding harder and harder, forcing my body to its limits, I saw one of the guards eyeing me, with what appeared to be a quizzical glance. I glared back in anger. These ignorant beings had made me kill my best friend. I could never believe that they ever had any good in them.

Going back to my workout, I ran faster and harder than I had ever tried before. I was determined to do what I could in order to become the strongest and the best.

After a while, I felt myself being drawn to Milo. It was time, and I had to talk to him. As I approached, Milo abruptly stopped what he was doing, and gestured for me to sit by him. Again, like the first time we had talked, we were in the area where you did weights. Picking up the heaviest, I started to pull it in towards my chest. I could see the pain in Milo’s eyes as he tried to think of something comforting to say. Obviously he was aware of what had happened, but it didn’t matter too much. As long as he cared, that’s what really mattered.

He cleared his throat and laid a hand on my shoulder, his other holding a dumbbell to his side.

“I’m really sorry,” he muttered. “I don’t know what to say, but I know that you both must’ve been really close.”

It was painful hearing him say that, I felt my throat swell up a little. With a lot of effort I concentrated on the weight in front of me, and ordered my thoughts into possible words and sentences.

“It’s okay Milo. You don’t have to feel sorry for me. I mean, I still have you, and…it’s made me realize that I really need to do something. I can’t just let her have died for nothing, and if I don’t do what I’m meant to, we’re all going to die as well.”

I took in a deep breath and waited for his response. I can imagine he’d thought this through many times before, and he’d probably imagined my heroics to have become apparent sooner.

“I don’t want anything else now, but I want to have your help. I don’t know what we can do, or how to go about it,” I continued, making sure he knew what I wanted from him.

After a while he responded. I hoped he would have some kind of solution.

“I don’t know what we can do either. I’m so sorry, but I always thought that you would be the one to know exactly how to give us our freedom. But if you really want my help I’ll try to give it. You know I will. And I’ll stand by you ‘til the end.”

Apparently he didn’t.

Frustrated, I grit my teeth and stared at the ground. The sheer vastness of this task made it now seem impossible. I found it hard to believe that there would ever be a chance to fight back, to rebel.

“You’re not alone Katrina,” Milo whispered, his hand now ruffling through my hair. I bristled and felt a shiver go down my back. “I’ll be there for you, I promise.”

How he calmed me down I’ll never know. There was no one like Milo, and somehow he knew exactly what to say to me. I felt at ease, comforted when he said those words, and I felt as though perhaps there would be a way. I smiled at him, and together we tried to think of a way out.

We comforted each other just by being together. At first we could think of nothing, and there wasn’t anything that was particularly clever or wise. We decided that rebelling on the journey to or from training would possibly be the safest bet. All we had to do now was spread the word, and arrange a time. It should be soon. I found the thought of becoming free a good feeling, it made me ecstatic to think that Milo and I could live without limits. Unfortunately the sensible part of my brain told me there was so much risk that I might never make it through, or Milo would be sacrificed instead. Together there was nausea in my stomach, and I tried to let wishful thinking wash over me.