Beginning to get to me

introduction

Sitting on the edge of my bed, I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my tired body. I let a stray tear roll down my face silently..

What am I doing?

I have no idea why I’m here. I guess, I just don't want to be alone. 

But like so many times before I find myself wandering down the same familiar path to the only door that saves me from my past. The memory takes over before I can stop it.

I jumped back with a jolt, staring down at my feet. Thick blood had begun forming into a puddle around them. I stood there in utter silence, a state of shock washing over me as my breathing got heavier.

“Megan”, I stammered leaning down at her side shaking her slightly, “Megan!”

I tried to scream at her but my voice died down in the back of my throat, the panic now setting in as I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone.

“Hello, I need an ambulance please?” 

The next few hours passed in a blur of confusion, that whole evening playing on repeat in my head. The cold hospital seemed to soak up life and emotion as I went to look for Megan.

When I finally found her, I sat beside her silently, induring the questions of people I had never seen before. Asking if I was okay.. Asking if I was fine.

"Of course I'm fine! I'm not the one with a gashing bullet wound going through my chest", I felt like snapping at them, but I settled back in my seat silently, ignoring everything around me, all the questions and all the looks.

Her hand was icy cold as I stayed put beside her. The doctors had all disappeared leaving me sat there in an eery silence. It seemed so strange, me and Megan were the type of friends who were never lost for words..never speechless but then even the thought of speaking was chocking me up. 

My tears were welling up in my eyes as I stared at her oh-so familiar face and just as I was about to fall to the floor against her bed I felt arms wrap round me, stabilizing me as I cried into their chest.

“Come on Katherine, let’s go home”, my mums familiar voice whispered as she pulled away and took my hand lightly into hers like I was a child once again. 

“Katherine Miles? May we have a word”, a mans voice demanded as I looked up. The police were here. I mean, of course they were here! A girl can’t get shot without the police being involved. Obviously, I just prayed that I didn’t have to speak to them..

“Can we not do this now”, my mum suddenly said before I could find my own voice, “she’s still in shock. She hasn’t said a word since she’s been here”, she pleaded.

“I’m sorry, Mrs Miles, but we need to do this now while the incident is still fresh in her mind. We can't risk missing any vital information.”

I nodded once, indicating that I was ready to talk. One of the police men nodded towards a door and I followed both uniformed men, shaking, horrified. My mum clutched at my hand for reassurance, as I choked back my tears.

He sat opposite me at the table and pressed play on the recorder, ready for questioning.

“Miss Miles, could you please tell me your exact whereabouts at 8:30 this evening?” 

I directed my cold stare down at the table, letting the question wash over me before I felt my mums elbow digging int my side.

“I, we..”, I stammered my voice rough and coarse from not speaking in so long, “I was with Megan, we were walking around the local park”, my answer was barely a whisper.

“And in your own words, can you tell me exactly what happened at said park?” 

I stared at the wall behind him in a complete haze. The police officer batted question after question about the nights earlier events. Each of my answers consisting of nothing more than a nod or shake of the head as my mind wandered elsewhere. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to answer all these questions.. Wishing I could rewind time and undo all that has been done. 

Within what felt like mere moments a week had passed without me noticing. A week, that without my best friend, felt lonely and cold.

“I miss you like crazy Meg”, I cried staring out my window to the bare streets beneath me.

Her house across the road was lined with flowers and as I saw the hearse turn up I sucked in my breath, holding back the tears bracing myself, regaining some of the composure that I needed to say my final goodbye..

“I guess, I knew Megan better than the majority of you here. To me Megan wasn’t just my best friend; She was a shoulder to cry on, my partner in crime and a light in the dark. She made me smile when I was sad and always had my back. She was more like a sister.. So out of anyone I should have seen it! But not even I saw this coming. Megan took her own life that night in the park and no matter what I said, I couldn’t stop her. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get that gun quick enough. She was my hero, and I’m so sorry Megan, because I know I let you down! I know that I didn’t read the signs and I’m so sorry”, I cried as my knees gave away underneath me and I collapsed to the floor. My tears were streaming down my face as I felt my mum help me up and stand beside me. 

“Megan”, I sobbed, “I love you, and I miss you so much! Rest up, beautiful! You need it for when I meet you there!”

I tried to stifle a laugh, remembering all the fun times we had together and with that I stepped down from the podium and took my seat amongst my family. The sobs from Megans parents echoed through the church and the guilt stabbed into me like a thousand knives. I wrapped my arms around my ever protruding stomach and sobbed to myself, thinking of a life that had been lost to make room for another...