He put me in danger more times then I can count; yet I can’t look at what we had as a bad thing. Sure, in the end my heart was broken and suddenly I’m realizing all the consequences of what he told me to do. But… back then it was the danger that I loved and, to me, it seemed that the more stuff we did together pulled me closer to him. It may not have been him I fell in love with, but maybe it was the danger he put me through. We would lie on train tracks, jump off tower high cliffs, and finally, run out into those busy streets with cars coming at us in both directions.
I was invincible in those moments; nothing could hurt me, but now it’s all different. He’s gone and I’m alone. Locked up like some criminal and being strangled with white walls and kind words with my danger just out of reach while I sit here and scream my lungs out hoping my danger will find me. I ache for the adrenaline to make my heart race like it did when I took the plunge then the blinding fog of happiness that overtook and caused me to grin so hard my lips would bleed. That’s what I wanted to live for, but I can’t anymore.
Every Sunday I see my family. It’s only ever my brother and sister who are twins, never my parents. Seeing them would mean they could look each other in the eye and take responsibility for all they didn’t see, all the warning signs, and, now, all the after shocks. I know my parents are struggling to keep it together, I can see it though the eyes of my siblings. The bags under their eyes tell me they can’t sleep because Mom and Dad are yelling at each other all night. Maddie wears long sleeves everyday even though its spring to hide the scars and bruises she’s either giving to herself or someone is serving her, claiming they’ll take away the pain. Dylan’s face gets redder and redder each time I see him, all that anger being build up slowly because of our parents fighting, I’m sure he has some hatred toward me bottled up somewhere but he wouldn’t dare show it, not here. One day, they both will break, and I can see it now.
Maddie’s out with her friends who don’t really care about her and suddenly the wreaking ball of reality hits her square in the temple and she can’t take it anymore. A pool of blood, tears, and a used weapon later, she’ll be right along side me in this white walled prison, screaming for a blade or even a needle to make it all go away.
And Dylan, he’ll be at home late at night only a few days after Maddie has joined me. Mom and Dad have only gotten louder since she left and the screams are haunting in my poor little brother’s head. With his face red as a rose and heart cold as ice, he’ll take Dad’s hunter rifle off the mantle, shoot three rounds first, and ask question later. Chances are he won’t kill our parents, he’s not an expert shot like Dad is, but with any luck he’ll join me our sister so we can be a happy family. We’ll be a small crazy happy family inside the white walls far above anything and looking down every Sunday for news from what used to be our lives.
