Lost

Leaving

Dear diary,

there were no butterflies in my stomach to tell me that I'm in love. There was nothing, I felt nothing at all. And I still knew that something was different. Something had to be different.

Instead of texting something nice back I just said that we had to meet up. You told me time and place and I rushed out of my room, downstairs and took the key. It was late after midnight by now but I didn't care. 

My dad looked at me, still sitting in front of the TV, watching his favourite series. I just smiled, with the hope of not being asked what was going on.

But it was my dad and I was still living at home. So hope had to die.

"Where are you going, honey?" – "Don't say that."

My dad frowned because I usually didn't complain about anything.

"Well still...what's up that you have to leave at two in the morning?" – "I'll tell you later, okay?"

I started walking towards the door but had to stop in my movement cause I forgot that I had drunk something and that I wasn't supposed to take the car. I sighed cause fortune didn't seem to be on my side that night.

"I won't let you go until you tell me what is going on." – "Nothing is going on. Just wanna go out to McDonald's. I am hungry after that birthday party thing."

I remember the look on my dad's face and now, four years later, I wish that he would've forbidden me to leave the house at two am. He didn't believe me, that's true. But he didn't care enough either.

So that's the story of how I met you for the very first time. That's the effort I put into seeing you and into talking to you that night.

I put away the car keys and closed the door behind me, with a dad in the living room who made up his mind about what could happen next. He probably thought about going to sleep but he was too curious to just let it be. And that is why he ran to the door and opened it with short breath cause he didn't know that I was still standing on the doorstep.

"I wanted to ask whether you can get me some burgers. I need a little midnight-snack." He didn't need one. His eyes told me the truth. He always said that trust was good but control did a better job. "You may have to heat it up in the microwave when I get back home."

I just turned my back and took the bike. I heard my dad closing the door behind me. It all seemed so normal.

There was no excitement or fear. There was no curiosity or disinterest. There was no tension or relaxation. My stomach just mumbled and hunger was the only thing I could feel.

In the middle of my midnight biking trip I stopped and looked at my phone. You texted me twice, wondering whether everything was okay. I didnt respond and just put my phone back into my jacket. 

I looked at the sky and I could see all those stars and the moon. Life felt infinite. I knew it wasn't and never will be but I believed in it because it felt as if it was the only true thing to put my trust in that night.

I wasn't scared to meet you but there was still something that let me stand there, enjoying the calm of the mild summer night. There was still something that wanted to tell me that it was good to wait, that it was good to pretend that there was no meeting. 

And as you may already guess: I didn't listen to any of those voices inside my head. I didn't do it that night. And I didn't do it ever after.

The only thing I could do was to continue pedalling towards the destiny I wouldn't have lived if I had used my mind at least once.