The thought of it all worries me.
I don't understand how my feelings became as they did, but it happened, whether I like to admit it or not. In order to know what is going, I must elaborate:
I met her and it started at a friends birthday party - well, i say that despite us hardly speaking during the night, but alas, we did not know each other and decided to just enjoy the party. It was then, and only then, when i actually got on better with one of her friends than i did with her. He told me that the one known as Beth was the attractive one, but i could not see that at first...
We started having regular meetings with our group, and it became apparent to me that K had nothing apart from her looks, and i was becoming friends with Beth at this time: it shocked me that such a pretty girl could actually want to be my friend,and i realised that maybe i could actually be myself around people for once. i didn't need to impress her. I wasn't worried about being in a relationship, we had only just started to get to know each other!
But i did have those feelings.
Our meetings happened less frequently because of exams - Until summer began, that is. We went out many times over the course of it, and i did not realise it at the time but i always made sure i was there whenever Beth was. I did not know that i wanted to see her. My heart overpowered my mind once again.
Why do i feel this?
I began messaging her more regularly, liking more of her posts, going out more of my way to talk to her at meetings. It was becoming clear to me the very thing that was occurring... I was in love. I did not want to be but i was - oh, what am i saying.... AM in love. A few of my friends found out my secret, and eventually i became more open about it to my friends because i thought i didn't care that much about whether we got together or not. "It's only a crush", i kept trying to convince myself "its not important"...
But the thoughts in you head can never be stronger than the feelings in your heart when you fall in love with someone: They are merely drowned out by the hearts desires, the need to be desired, and the feelings for the one i desire.
At this point i begin to wonder how she feels and the way she thinks, sometimes even thinking of the possibility that maybe she feels somewhat the same way i do.... But then i go back, and cogs are spinning in my mind: What good are these thoughts I'm having lately? Who are they going to help? Why do they even exist? does she know how i feel? Has anyone told her? If so then why does she still think I'm a great friend? Apparently she told somebody that i was one of her best friends. But is it true? if it is then why does it seem so difficult for us to be together?
Then it hits me.
Whatever thoughts i have said she could be having, she isn't having. there is no chance of us ever being a couple, i am obviously going for somebody way out of my league...
Why though?
Some people have told me that the only reason i like her is because of her looks. I will admit, she is VERY beautiful, but that isn't the whole story. there is just something about her that sets her apart from all those other pretty girls, something i cant find but i know that if i do i find it and act upon it, i can get her to fall for me aswell....
Don't be ridiculous, that just the heart talking!
Something like what i would have with her can never work, but i have made up a few scenarios which do not seem impossible to me by any stretch of the imagination: One of these stories involves her ex, and this is what i came up with for it....
What i would do is tell her ex that i needed to talk with him in private, so we go to a dark alley and conveniently he is against a wall, i start having a go at him for messing Beth around, he gives me some stupid answer then i punch him in the face(the wall will do most of the work, I'm not overestimating my strength) and then keep at it until he begs me to stop and promises he will apologise to Beth and leave her alone. I then go to her and tell her of mine and his negotiation, she thanks me and hugs me, and i proceed to tell her how i really feel about her and she admits that actually she has felt the same way for quite some time now. We start to laugh at the fact neither of us had any idea how the other person felt, at which point i lean in and kiss her.
But that's stupid, why on earth would that ever happen?!
I'm not saying that it would, i just cant be without her face, her hair, her smile, her eyes..... Especially her eyes, they are beautiful blue eyes - the same as mine. I could stare into those eyes forever. I just crave the hugs she gives me every time i see her, the way she talks to me, and the feeling of her lips against mine.
She is becoming my world.
She is an addiction.
She is Bethamphetamine.
