Goodbye Caleb

Bury me

When Spencer was finally done with talking, we listened to one more song called 'find a way' , I didn't really know the song well, but I knew Caleb listened to it once in a while.
After the song, the man in the black suit, directed the crowd to go outside with him.
That's where we are now. Caleb's coffin right in front of me. Hanging above a deep black hole.
The man says a few things but all his words go right pass me.
"Hey Han, I know you didn't plan anything, but do you maybe want to say some last words?"  Alison asks me gently.
I hesitate. I can't. It's not possible for me to bring out any words that actually make sense.
But then on the other side, this is Caleb, I love him more than anything and I don't want him to think that I don't care. From wherever he may be.
I take a step forward.
I clear my throat and feel Emily's hand on my shoulder, rubbing it softly to show support.
I want to introduce myself but it just doesn't feel right in this moment.
So I just start:
"Caleb, I remember the day I first saw you. It was right outside at school. I was having lunch with Emily and you were just standing there and you immediately had my attention. I don't remember exactly how it went, but I do remember everyone saying you were sketchy." I chuckle slightly, my eyes tearing up.  "I needed your help and we talked a few times, oh god Caleb you were such a flirt. Everything you said made my heart stop for a split second and made me want to kiss you right there against the lockers." The crowd laughs. "But I didn't, and our relationship grew slowly, at first." I grin as I think back at the first kiss we shared and the first time we had sex with just a few days in between them.
"But Caleb you became so much more than just my high-school boyfriend." I went on. Feeling the lump in my throat grow and the tears in my eyes pushing to get out. But I didn't let them, yet.
"You, Caleb, were the best thing that ever happened to me. You were here for me when I needed to laugh but also when I needed to cry. You helped me trough the most rough period of my life. I don't know where I would be without you, Caleb."
I'm standing here, looking at his coffin, crying and I'm not even trying to hold it back anymore. I don't care about the people around me.
"I never wanted to let you go Caleb." I say, I feel like i'm being strangled. My head is pounding and my tears roll down to my neck.
"And now I have to." I say, my voice cracking. That's it, I'm done. I love you Caleb, I think, before I turn around to let my face fall into Emily's shoulder crook.