"Where are you going?"
Adrielle looked back and saw her mother coming out of the kitchen in a frilly white apron. She tied her shoelaces before answering. “School. Journal practice.”
She stood up and saw that her mother is no longer standing outside the kitchen. She figured her mother’s back at the kitchen. Taking that as a sign of permission, she continued her way to door while fumbling her tied earphones.
Just when she was about to close their door behind her, she heard her mother's voice. “Don’t stay out late. Take care!”
A small smile appeared on Adrielle’s lips. She nodded, even though her mother can't see her, before she fully closed the door.
Earphones on full volume, world on mute.
She tightened her grip on her bag’s strap, took a deep breath and started walking towards their school. It was not that far. Just four blocks away with two hillside-like roads to trudge.
She can also take a bus and it’ll just take five minutes to get there. Adrielle likes to walk, though. It relieves her stress and allows her to be with her thoughts.
When she finally arrived at the first hillside-like hurdle, she grudgingly kicked a pebble upwards and watched it roll back down passed her.
Gravity, she thought, funny how it works.
She started walking again in a much slower pace. It will be more tiring to push herself to walk faster. Adrielle trudged in the challenge of whether she can reach the top or not. She will make it though, she’s sure. If there’s one thing she’s sure about, that is consistency will get her somewhere. Maybe, not a better place than where she is but a different place nevertheless.
The music blasting from her earphones suddenly went toned down. She stopped walking to check her phone. Someone probably sent her a message or an email regarding her school activities but, to her confusion, nobody texted or emailed her.
Before she could even turn the volume back to the highest, she heard a familiar laugh coming her way. Out of impulse, she lifted her head from her phone and locked gazes with that familiar pair of eyes.
In that split second the light from that set of eyes, dimmed and burned out before it looked the other way. The familiar laugh became forced and the light never returned.
Something inside her ripped open as her world stopped within that moment.
Just like opening a can of worms, everything came creeping her, slipping and gripping her insides as she struggle to shake her herself free from it. Or, maybe, there’s really no struggling because the mere sight of him is enough to freeze her on spot and kill her at the same time.
It's your fault, Adrielle, she thought. Your fault.
Should've kissed you there
I should've held your face
They already passed her when she finally regained control of herself because of the sudden blast of music from her earphones. On full volume.
I should've watched those eyes
Instead of run in place
Her eyes travelled back to the phone in her hands, figuring what happened earlier. Stupid phone, she thought, why does the volume had to turn down as the song changes?
I should've called you out
I should've said your name
She put the phone back in her pocket while willing herself to move forward and not look back. Until she heard recognized the blasted song. The song that perfectly fits her predicament.
I should've turned around
I should've looked again
She stopped walking as recognition of the song overtook her features and her body turned against her will, rooting her in place.
But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
"Nathaniel," she whispered in thin air. The name rang in her mind over and over again as the simple gesture of saying it opened stitches from the past.
I 'm staring at the mess I made
The sunlight shining upon him emphasized the features of his face. His soft black locks, long eyelashes and pale skin created a perfect contrast to the light. Those soft black locks of hair, swaying with the morning breeze, never fails to amuse and hurt her.
He’s looking at the girl on his side smiling about something the girl might have said. The smile that once upon a time, Adrielle was the reason behind.
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away
Standing there and staring at them, her breath was snatched on her lungs when he suddenly glanced at her through the corners of his eyes: regret, disappointment and remorse passed his face before he looked forward. Never to look back. Never to turn around again. In that sudden moment, she saw how hurt he was. How she had driven him that way.
Should've held my ground
I could've been redeemed
For every second chance
That changed its mind on me
A bitter smile crept to her lips as she stared at him and herself, the distance between them growing with every tick of the clock. And he's walking away from her with someone on his side. Someone that should've been her.
I should've spoken up
I should've proudly claimed
That oh my head's to blame
For all my heart's mistakes
Their story is the kind that's not worth telling. A story made up of what if's and could have been's. A story that ended without even starting. A mess that she personally wrote herself.
But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away
She forced herself to turn around and continue walking. Gripping the strap of her bag, she struggled to put one foot forward after the other. Again. And again.
And it's you, and it's you
And it's you, and it's you
And it's falling down, as you walk away
Her heart started throbbing harder as she refused to stop the song and indulge herself with the pain of having his back turned against her, walking away. Walking away from everything that was her.
And it's on me now, as you go
But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
Their story can be summarized in nineteen words, entitled by the only thing consistent between the two of them: almost.
He almost waited. She almost tried. He almost caught her. She almost took the fall. They almost made it.
I 'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away
But they didn't.
And it's falling down, as you walk away
And it's on me now, as you go
She chuckled at how ironic everything is while tears started pooling in her eyes, clouding her vision. She pushed him away in the fear of being hurt and ruining everything between them.
But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
Yet, Christ, it's exactly what happened to them. It's exactly what she's feeling at the moment and that fact alone, hurts her even more.
I 'm staring at the mess I made
When she finally reached the top, she turned around and look at him—at them— one last time. She can only see a small and blurry image of them due to the pool of tears threatening to flow.
Adrielle blinked back the tears, afraid that if she let those tears fall, even just for once, she won't be able to stop them anytime soon. While she clutched her chest where her heart is aching tremendously, as if such actions can lessen the pain. As if...
I 'm staring at the mess I made
When she opened her now not blurry eyes, she can only see their back as they turn to a very familiar street.
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away
She then smiled, finding the song and her current situation, ironic. He just didn't take his heart away, he brought hers with him. But what sucked the most was his sudden halt before completely turning in the corner.
As if, in that split second, he's about to turn around and look at her. As if he's battling with himself to either go and move forward, or go and turn around.
But what can she say? They're really made up of dismantled almosts:
She almost became happy. He almost came back. They almost met half way.
Almost.
