Thoughts Gone Unkown

Prologue

Blank. Blank walls. Blank mind. Everything...blank.

How had it not worked? I had planned everything out. My mother and father weren't supposed to be home for hours, a perfect time slot. I had been awaiting for the moment when I could just end. It all hurt too much, the memories were too overwhelming at times that I felt myself gasping for nonexistent air. It had been all my fault. They told me there was nothing they could do, I had done everything right. It was her.

The hatred I felt for myself for the past few months is what pushed me over. I wasn't harassed, I had a good group of friends who were always there, but it didn't matter how many times they had told me they loved me...it didn't change the fact that I didn't even love myself.

I glanced down to the wires running out of my arm connected to medicine they had placed into the bag suspended just above me. I glanced out through the open door, my parents were holding each other in their arms, wondering how they let their little girl go as far as this.

All of the sadness and guilt placed across my mother's features nearly knocked the wind out of me. Knowing her, she's probably already convinced herself this had all been caused according to her wrongdoing.

I stared straight ahead again, taking in the image of the wall ahead of me. It was all white-like I had said-with small lines showing the edges of each cement block. I hated it. It made me feel like I was in an insane asylum. Well I was, sort of. I'm not really sure if being in a hospital ward with a one inch cut into your wrist can be considered or not.

I leaned my head back against the small pillow placed on my bed and sighed. I knew what was going to happen and I dreaded it. I closed my eyes as I heard footsteps approaching, instantly knowing they belonged to my mother.

"Jackie? Honey, are you awake?" Her soft voice cooed. My eyes fluttered open just to be met with her tear strained face.

I leaned into the warmth of her palm and nodded. "We just talked to the doctor and..." She glanced back to my Dad before continuing, "...we've decided it would be best to put you into a rehabilitation center for the summer." She was barely able to choke out that last few words.

I found myself speechless at the confirmation of what was to come. I was sixteen years old and being sent to rehab for summer vacation. I knew it was what I probably needed, but I didn't want help I didn't want to be the freaky girl who tried to kill herself. I hadn't even realized I was crying until my Dad began wiping away the tears streaming down my face.

"Jacquelyn, it's going to be okay."

"You don't know that! Once people find out..."

"Jackie, nobody has to know that you don't want to know." My Dad took a piece of my hair that had fallen down in front of my eyes and placed it behind my ear.

"What?" I looked to my mother sitting on the edge of the bed. I had believed that they had told everyone they knew of the incident, the parents of my close friends just to name a few.

She scooted up closer to me on the bed. "Sweetie, what happened...that's your business. Not half the town's. It should be you decision on whether you want to tell people about this, not ours."

I was taken aback by her words. My Mom had always been very accepting, especially including last year's situation. Part of me was scared she hadn't told anyone due to being embarrassed of it, but I now see her reasoning for it and through the look in her eyes, I could tell she was being genuine.

"Really?" It felt like it had been forever since I had smiled. I welcomed the warm feeling and hugged her as she nodded again.

"I don't want anyone to know."

"Oh, sweetie." I squeezed her tighter and grabbed my father's hand. The small room was filled with sobs as we all were faced head on with the fear of my future well being.

She whispered into me ear, "You're gonna be okay."

Every fiber in me wanted to believe her, but I couldn't help but to doubt it.