Finding Me

Day 1

Am I ready to do this? I think to myself as I stare in the mirror. It's the first day of ninth grade, which means a new school, and a new me. But not what everyone else thinks is a "new me". I'm changing completely. I'm becoming a boy.
I'm afraid to be who I really am. I was finally able to admit that to myself on the day of the spring dance of eighth grade. I hate myself. The only thing keeping me from suicide is pity; I feel sorry for me, even though I am me. If that makes sense.
But here I am.
Waiting.
For what? I don't know. A sign from God? So I stop waiting and just get dressed.
With my pocket money that I made from working (illegally) at the coffee house down the road, I bought some boy clothes. It was weird at first; the cashiers always gave me funny looks. But I got used to it and stared down the sales people that looked like they wanted to inquire.
If they dared.
So, since I have zero knowledge about guy fashion, I tried my best. I needed to get baggy clothes to hide any curves (which I don't have anyway). So I'm wearing sweatpants, sneakers, and a large t-shirt.
I also got a pixie cut, so I just put on a manly beanie to cover any femininity.
I'm able to slip out the door unnoticed - mom is drinking again - and walk to school. When mom was sober and signing me up for school, I told her I didn't want to ride the bus. I did this to be a way to get myself mentally prepared for all that would follow.
Halfway there, I stopped and realized that this was possibly the stupidest idea in all of my stupid ideas (there's a lot, trust me) but I had gone too far and didn't feel like going back.
The impending doom feeling didn't get any better when I stepped through the double doors into the school.

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I hope you liked it!! That's my first chapter of this book. Please comment and vote if you liked it!!! That will encourage me to keep working :)
So even though that chapter wasn't the best, it gets better.
Pinkie promise.
See you in the next chapter!!

-Jane
xoxo