Excerpts

#1

All I want, all I've ever wanted, was to be that girl. That girl who gets to put on the red lipstick and wear a pretty floral dress and go on a picnic to a secret spot at the lake and watch the sun set over the orange water. I want the giggles and huge smiles. I want secret glances, fleeting touches, and a heart so full of admiration that when the evening comes to a close and he takes me home, all I can do is lay in bed staring at the ceiling with a giddy smile. I want a mind so full of happiness that I forget to change out of the floral dress, and it when I wake up the next morning it serves as a reminder for a beautiful day. 

But I will never be that girl. I don't get asked on dates. I don't wear red lipstick. That secret spot at the lake? It doesn't belong to me. My giggles stem from nights spent alone binge watching YouTube, and I don't really smile much anymore. At night, when the sadness creeps in, I stare at the ceiling wondering, "Where on earth did I go wrong?" My heart feels empty. It aches a tiny bit more each day, and instead of forgetting the dress, I begin to forget myself. 

You'd think that the darkness would be a good place to hide, but I think it has its downfalls. Darkness makes it easy to disappear, yet it makes the journey to be seen so much harder.