Your secret is safe

I stand still looking at myself in the mirror that cover my closet door,trying to figure out who I actually am. Yes,I am known to be a very attractive guy,tall,muscular, dark green eyes, light brown hair,very lean cream color face,but deep down inside I didnt feel like I was me.Every time I looked at myself I felt a missing half and I couldn't figure it out.

"Jessie! " a deep voice interrupted my thoughts
"Come downstairs dinners ready!" I glanced at myself on last time in shame and slowly made my way down the stairs

"What took you so long?" my dad asked setting up the table.

"Sorry..just had alot on my mind forget it" I mumbled sitting in the old wooden chair that creeked every single time you moved in it.

"Jess..want to talk about it?"he said looking at me with serious eyes.My dad was always trying to be the double parent ever since my mom died a few years ago after giving birth to my little sister Emily who died with her.My dad always felt like it was his fault and promise himself that he would always take care and protect me because I was the only son he had,make sure I get into the best of best schools,get good grades,play sports and have all those "talks" that was "necessary" that a teen boy need,like the birds and the bees or puberty,but he could never give me a mothers love.My father name is Carter,hes tall as well ,with the eye color of an ocean on a summer day went the sun is being to set over the horizon,he had a full head of hair that was dark brown with white highlights on the sides,he had a pointy nose but besides his Pinocchio like nose,he looked like and older version of myself with blue eyes,I got my hair color and eye color from my mother.

 

"No dad...I'm fine"I said with a grin sliding up to the table "What are we eating ? I asked in a well mannered voice

"Uh..we got some steak,mac and cheese, corn and biscuits ,that fine?" he said putting the food on my plate.

"Dad,you know I'm not a big steak fan..." I said frowning up my face

"Jessie my boy,steak is a man's food!" He said chuckling patting my back.I made a fake laugh and "Ha yeah dad,man's food" like god himself named steak man's food.My dad sat down demolishing his steak like a lion that didnt eat for months.I watched in disgust.I ate my mac and cheese and corn and a biscuit.

"You going to eat that steak?" I nodded my head no,he shook his head in disappointment and told me to slide my plate to him I did so."Jess?"

"Yeah.."

"How's school? You never talk about it,meet any girls?" my mind went blank

"Yeah..why?" I asked curiously

"I want to know whats going on in my only sons life" he said in excitement "Any girls?" he said still chewing steak.

"Yes,her name is Harper.."I said.with a grin

"Harper?"my dad said giving me this devious smile "She your girlfriend?"

he asked in a happy tone.

"No...shes always at my baseball games" I said standing up from the table and stretching. "I'll show you who she is next game" my dad shook his head.I left him downstairs alone going back upstairs to my room. I fell on my bed as if I had a long day and then closed my eyes.

"Hey mom...I miss you..alot,I know your probably looking down on me wanting to be proud of me...but I dont know what I want or who I am anymore.Im not happy with sports like before,I dont talk as much as I use to,I dont even want to date and one part of me wants to give up...but Im only 17..I still want to make you proud but mom...I dont know what to do anymore ..I hope you hear me,and help me through this mom..I do,tell Emily I love her and tell god thanks for making me live another day..Love you. Amen

I opened my eyes and saw my dad standing next to my door "Jessie...my boy,I miss them too...but you cant get anywhere talking to...your mother,you can talk to me because.." I cut him off

"Because your physically here? So what dad!? Its easier to talk to her than you ...even if she isnt here! She was my best friend...something that you cant be because all you worry about is how much of a man I need to be..when I still miss my fucking mother!Dont tell me I cant get no where talking to her...because I can say way more to her in this empty room...than I can tell you when your physically here...so dont tell me I cant speak to her.."I said with a firm voice but calmly .

My dad stayed quiet looking at me,"Jessie...you are my son..my only son.. I want you to be a man so you can be prepare for the world my boy,I cant keep treating you like your 12,letting you get away with petty little this like not eating you steak.You make your decisions but as of now your still under my roof and you will do as I say,because I love you,get some sleep you have school tomorrow.." he closed the door without another word. I closed my eyes again a fell asleep instantaneously.