I'm getting to the point where I'm just done with everyone and everything. I'm not really sure what to do with my life at all or if I even want a life. I've gotten so much shit from people and I'm just horrified at the thought of finding out what people actually think of me. I don't even know what I think of myself.
I have so many things that I'd love to do when I'm older but what about now? I don't know what I need right now. And I can't just sit around waiting for something to happen, I want to do something good that will benefit people, including myself but I feel like I only seem to drag people down with me or I get dragged down with them.
There are so many people in my past who I've hurt and I want to fix that so badly. I want those people to know that what I did wasn't okay and that I hate myself every single second for hurting someone else like I've been hurt. That's not what I want. I'd hurt myself a thousand times over before I'd want to hurt someone I love.
I hate who I am, with every fiber of my being. I hate what I've done, I hate what I've become. I hate what I'm turning into.
I hate that I still have hope after all this time that I'll get better, that I'll make lasting friendships, that I'll fall in love and stay in love. It never works it's just not possible for me to do and I want to know why. Why am I Toxic....?
This is a mess...
Xx Toxic
