Heyy, I don't know what you're really doing right now.
You're probably in front of your monitor screen playing or maybe lying down your bed asleep.
But I've been thinking lately.
And maybe feeling too much.
How you talk to me.
How you've been making me feel these past few days, weeks and last month.
Out of no where, this question just popped out of my head and asked you.
"Do you still like me?"
You started explaining.
That you planned on sleeping early because you wanted to get taller (you were just an inch taller than me) and you're staying up late tonight just to talk to me.
"Does that answer your question?" he asked.
I kind of said yes.
I didn't want to start a dramatic conversation that night.
I just wanted to enjoy talking to you and trying to forget all the what if's that's been bothering me constantly.
To be honest, I wasn't really convinced.
I felt like something was wrong.
Why do I feel like you don't anymore?
"Okay, I'm gonna tell you something."
Your message popped up seconds after.
My heart starts racing.
"I started to think that there's a lot of people that I'll meet years from now."
"Maybe there's someone else who's better for us."
"But I know I'll always be your friend no matter what."
I was staring at my phone for a minute.
Like, what are you trying to say here?
"But right now, I still like you okay."
Bullshit.
You wouldn't think there's someone better for you if you are sure with the one you're with.
You wouldn't think of that if you were sure with me.
You know I'm never sure of anything but I was so fucking sure of you.
You say you miss me.
For a minute, I would be so happy that you do.
But then, you won't message afterwards.
I tried asking you to hang-out somewhere at the mall or maybe at a coffee shop nearby just to able to hug you again, hold your hand and have another day with you.
But it turns out you have other plans or just making excuses not to go.
Is that what you do when you miss someone?
All I know is that if you miss someone you would do anything just to talk to them, be with them, know how their day was going, who were they with or if they're doing just fine.
You miss me but you're not doing anything about it. Yup, sounds convincing.
You used to tell me how much you love me.
Enumerating them one by one.
You even notice the little things I do.
All these goodnight and goodmorning texts.
You used to call me sunshine too.
Now it's "love you" instead of "i love you sooo much 😉😁🙊💗"
It's "night" instead of "Goodnight, sweet dreams. Don't let the bedbugs bite so I could see you tomorrow."
It's "Ohh haha" instead of asking me more about what happened to my day.
You told me your sister was asking how are we doing.
Instead of saying, "We're great!" you say "I don't know. I don't want to talk about it."
They even started to think we were over.
If you really liked me, you would be happily telling stories about us.
You make these jokes about you calling me just a friend.
It isn't funny.
It feels like it would end soon.
It feels like everything would be over with just a snap of my hand.
You once said you think we would be those high school sweethearts who would last forever.
I used to believe in that too.
What happened now?
Sometimes, I think if the pain I'm feeling right now is still worth it.
Sometimes, I think if I deserve this.
Now, I'm starting to think that maybe you're hinting.
Maybe you don't like me anymore.
You just say you do because you don't want to hurt me.
But you already are.
Maybe you're just waiting for me to end it.
But if this will be over.
If we will not be a "we" anymore.
If you finally give in and get tired of me.
I hope you find a girl.
A girl who you would be sure of.
A girl who you won't get confused with.
A girl who you won't take for granted.
A girl who you wouldn't be annoyed with.
A girl who would be worried if you get sick.
A girl who you would take care of.
A girl who you wouldn't let go.
A girl who wouldn't get tired of you.
A girl who wouldn't leave you for anyone else.
A girl who you can't stand not talking to when you fight.
A girl who would try to fix things immediately when you had a misunderstanding.
A girl who would brighten up your day if you were having a bad one.
A girl who wouldn't make you jealous because of his guy friends.
A girl who would appreciate every little thing you do for her.
A girl who you could talk to for hours without getting bored.
A girl who would stay up late just to talk to you after a busy day.
A girl who you would enjoy having late night walks with.
A girl who would eat lunch with you and eat rice even though she's on a diet.
A girl who you would be comfortable with.
A girl who would give you butterflies every time you see her.
A girl who would always be on your mind.
A girl who would remind you how beautiful you are as a person because you're so insecure about yourself.
A girl who would be an inspiration for you to be a better person.
A girl who would make you be motivated to get up every single day.
A girl who you would kiss on the forehead.
A girl who you would hug tightly just because you miss her so much.
A girl who you would hold hands with even though she holds yours so tight, it hurts.
A girl who would want you.
A girl who would understand you.
A girl who would make you happy.
A girl who would make you smile.
A girl who would make you laugh.
A girl who would love you like I loved you.
I always wanted you to be happy.
That's all I ever wanted for you.
And maybe a little bit for myself.
I admit it, I love you.
I really do.
But I don't think it's worth it anymore.
