One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 1 - Finn

After another long day, bored out of my brain at college I finally make it through the familiar and safe front door, I am home. Within these walls I can be me, and have nobody looking at me, thinking they know me, when in reality they have no fucking clue.

I take off my leather jacket, my fit lad armor, bolt up the stairs two at a time, knowing I am home alone, and probably can't expect dad will turn up any time soon. I enter my room, sling my jacket and bag on the chair. Just as breathing is critical to life, so is music, I head towards my collection, I finger the album sleeves trying to find something that settles my mood. The Smiths, that always works. I gently place the needle down on the vinyl. I close my eyes. As the tunes envelope my room, I fling myself on my bed. I lay down, resting my head on my pillow. I breathe, in, out, in, out.

I looking straight ahead at my oasis poster, and then the movement of my sheer blue curtains covering my window catches my eye. There must be a faint hint of a breeze, the curtains move, and the filtered light covers me from head to toe.

My mind drifts to the day, where I hear the murmurs in the corridor, apparently I am 'King of Hotsville'. Ha, what a joke! That's my new title, or so I heard today, it made me feel sick to the core. I hate how everyone seems to think they know me, I am not the fittest lad in college, and all the girls (and some of the lads) steering at me all day, makes me feel so uncomfortable. What's worse, girls who think they know me, because I have been with them, my ex's should know better, but they know nothing more than I have let them see. To everyone, I am Finn Fucking Nelson, the fittest lad in college, sex wizard (or so they say), I care for nothing, and everything is fine and dandy in my life.

Thinking about my day leaves me feeling sad, the realisation that I am sick of all this bullshit, all the steering, however no matter how long they steer, they will never know me. I am sick of it all. Sick of college, sick of people, but mostly I am sick of me. I never seem to be able to escape, I carry around these feelings all day every day and can see no way out... and most days I ended up lying right where I am now, wishing it would all just go away, or I could figure out how to change it all. I start angry and frustrated, end up feeling sad and alone, and eventually I crash feeling exhausted.

Somehow I awake, and it is dark and the music is off. My eyes dart to the clock in my room, its after 9pm. The house is silent, typical dad isn't home. I make my way down the stairs turning lights on as I go. I make my way to the kitchen, but I seriously can't be bothered eating, so I make myself a brew. I stand looking out the window, the street lights casting shadows in the yard. I drink my brew warming me from the inside out. It is actually the first time I have felt anything good all day. I shake my head, putting my cup in the sink. I return to my room, turning the lights off and locking all the doors. Thank god today is almost over.

As I strip down to my boxers and get ready for bed, I put more music on The Verve, suits my mood. I sink between the crisp sheets. My loneliness is painfully apparent; being alone is my least favourite thing in the world. I lie on my side, a tear escaping. I can't do this anymore, like seriously how much longer can I do this. Besides when I am being a lad with Chop and hanging with Archie, all I do is mope around, I am such a fucking grumpy sod, I even hate being around me.

I must be more than what people think, but if I am, I really don't know what I am. I wish I could simply surrender to what is being carved as my destiny.... Finish college, go to uni, date a fit bird, be fit, be shallow, get married, get a job in construction, get married, have kids with someone that I don't care about, is that my fate? If I accept my fate, maybe I can be happy? Who am I trying to kid, I will be hollow and miserable.

It is completely dark and in this time of day, my thoughts consume me.

All those people who think they know me they know what they think they know, even Chloe and Izzy think that I am noting more than their perception. If me mates don't get it, what hope would anyone else have.

I finally breakdown, will there ever be light again in my life?

Just when I think I couldn't be any sadder, I think about the last time I was truly happy. It has been way too long. When I was a boy, my mum would watch me from the kitchen window, I'd be playing football in the yard. She'd smile at me. In her look I knew I was perfect, well perfect to her, she loved me. Her smile felt like sunshine and made me feel like nothing could ever be wrong. It would warm me from the outside in. My heart would glow and I'd flash mum my cheekiest of grins.

Mum understood me, there was always light in the house with mum. As I came inside, she'd greet me with a hug me. As her arms wrapped around me she'd say the strangest thing, that I didn't understand then, but I understand clearly now. She'd say 'no matter what anyone ever says to you Finley in life you must always be patient and kind. When you love someone never let them go, as they will warm your soul, making you whole. You will do the same or them.' She'd hug me tighter, she smelt of vanilla. While I remember, I smile faintly through tears. As she would let me go she would mess me hair up and tell me to put some music on. I'd carefully place one of dad's records on, and as I am doing that me ma says 'and you should always play music, it speaks when you can't find the right words....' Fuck she was smart.

I am alone, I was 10 years old when mum one day just didn't come home. Dad told me that it was fine, but a day or two later Dad got a call from Nan. Mum apparently needed time to herself. It was one of a number of breakdowns my ma had. She left trying to find herself, left Dad and I to survive without her. Nan would give me letters and I'd send back notes. Mum would tell me how much she missed me. My notes started as patient and kind, telling mum I loved her and that I just wanted her to come home, I asked nicely. In saying that every time she came home and the left again, my notes became less patient and kind, I'd ask more questions, accuse her of not loving me and demand to know why she left.

When I was 16 she leaves for the final time. I write her a note, telling her how she has screwed up my life, and from now on I have no fucking mother. I lie because the reality is I love her and I just want her to tell me a story, listen to some music with me and mess up my hair - I want my mum back, but the reality is I don't trust her anymore. I hurt from the inside out and I am no longer patient or kind, my armor is on, she's never going to hurt me again.

Fuck that, nobody will.

I am finally just me, Finn. Not that I am entirely sure who I am, but I know this much, I am not what every twat at college thinks I am.