I Wasn't Born Crazy

Day 478

Day 478,

Or maybe its 498.. I don't know anymore. Time doesn't hold power within these walls. The four corners stare at me blankly, mocking me in my distress. They ask me, "Why do you sit there? Why do you let these things happen to you? Why don't you attempt to escape?" Each question is followed by another one in rapid succession, echoing off the walls until a deafening roar takes hold. I try to block them out, clamping my hands over my ears until I feel like my skull might crack under the pressure.

"ENOUGH!" I scream.

The roar dies down into a dull moan and then eventually ceases. The silence rings out louder than the screams did. "I've tried... you all know I have tried.." I whisper out into the darkness. My body becomes rigid, awaiting a reply, but none occurs. I take a deep breath and attempt to relax. I shift my weight, until I am laying on my back looking at the ceiling. At these moments, I think of my past life, what could have been, what actually happened, what they made me do... everything. It has become routine that these moments happen, usually after the screaming has ceased. I think of my brother, Jacob. I remember the way he looked at me when the men in white suits took me away. He was only seven then... what has happened to him now? What have our parents made of him? Have they done the same things they did to me to him or did they attempt to give him a better life? These questions stir up more emotions and I have to shut them all out before I have another episode.

"What's wrong Hope?" a small voice says from within the shadows of the furthest corner.

"I miss Jacob" I reply into the nothingness. I roll onto my side and stare at the corner awaiting for the voice to speak again. As I wait patiently my body begins to relax. This is my friend, she's here to help, I do not need to worry.

"I miss him too, but he's going to be okay. He's safe because you protected him. Remember?" she squeaked.

"Shut up! She's the reason why Jacob got hurt in the first place! She's the reasons why she is here and why Jacob is dead!" screeches from the corner to the right of me.

"No she's not! She tried to protect him, the reason why she is here is because of THEM not HER! Jacob is still alive, don't believe her Hope. I would never lie to you." retaliates the previous voice.

"How can you even say that. You only know as much as she does because you are not real, you are not a real person. She's just filling her own head with thoughts of friends to slow the progression of her insanity. She's making up every action, word, even your voice up to help her feel alive!" defiantly states the harsh voice.

The voices argue back and forth, each trying to cover up the other voice. Attempting to involve me, to keep me with them, keep me in this daze. To help me escape from this physical form.... I have not decided if this is to help or harm me. These episodes happen multiple times a day, some lasting for minutes but others, feels like an eternity until either a.) my screams block out them but attract the guards and the sedation settles me, or b.) I let the battle commence for hours upon hours until common language is unrecognizable anymore.

In either scenario I feel like part of me escapes. Memories become sluggish and life as I know it becomes white noise. To bring me back to my body, I try to list basic facts about myself.

1.) My names is Hope Renee Johnson

2.) My parents are David and Katherine Johnson

3.) My only sibling is Jacob Michel Johnson

4.) I am seventeen years old

5.) I lived in Arkansas City, Arkansas before I was transported to Forbidden Hill-crest Mental Institution

6.) My parents are the reason why I am a resident at Forbidden Hill-crest

7.) My birthday is May 8th, 1894

8.) I was not born crazy... and I have a plan to escape.