In my early days I grew up with a strict parents that it will be their dicission to followed. Since the house that I go home was my dad's house, I was pushed to follow their rules or else I will be punished again and again as it happened everyday.
I never obey the rules inside the house, i'm the kind of a person who always dare the rules in our house and I always wanted to test what our parents told us if it's true that a punbishment will be made if I disobeyed them. Well it's true, I grew up being shouted, physically, mentaly, emotionaly hurt. Well that was my view before.
I don't understand why they always do it to me, I almost hated to be with them, thinking they don't love me as their child and they just want me to be someone controlled by them as if I'm living in a house of dectators. They always put a high expectations to my studies and to what I do. And every expectations that they want to see in me, I intentionally fail them.
Without understanding them during my young age I grow up with pride, hatred, bitterness, anger and insecurity. Outside our house I always revenge to people who hurt me. I grew up showing the people that I'm strong enough to fight everyone who hurts me or the people being close to me.
I always think that revenge is always the best weapon to tell everyone that they cannot defeat me. But deep inside me my fear is eating me that time will come and I will be defeated. I always keep the truth that I'm weak and all I want was acceptance and love.
Till one day I woke up seeing the monster me. I ruined my relationship with my girlfriend ending up losing her. All my friends were walking away one by one leaving me all alone. That was the time that I only realized why my parents wanted me to obey them, because they see what will happen to me if they let me do what I wanted to do.
I have an anger management, my attitude was being a dominant and always wanted to get what I want. Being so perfectionist to everything not accepting failures. And I struggle to control myself ending up hurting people around me physically, mentally, and emotionally.
The monster inside me was eating me without realizng it. I tried a lot of times fighting my own attitude but it always ended me being defeated by my own character.
Then one time God answered my dad's prayer that one time I'll surender my life completely to Him. By that time everything turns to something different. I meet a lot people whom I considered as a blessing from God and some of them was my mentor in life. I told them my real story and they teach me how to deal with myself. That's it's only by God's grace that we can overcome our own struggles in life. Without relationship with Him will be a life of failure and without people to correct us when we are doing wrong things will end us up doing a lot of mistakes and living life that was hard.
I may still struggle with my attitude up to this time, but through God's grace that lives in me I now learn to slowly control myself. taking one step at a time. Reminding myself to rely everyday to God who gives me all the strength to do everything.
I can only defeat the monster inside me if I let God work in my life. Without Him I will still ramain the same. Accepting corrections from my second family ( my Victory Greenhills family ) learning from them, letting go of my pride.
