My Journal

April

04/10/16

Why?

Dear Anyone, 

You don't know me and I don't know you, but for whatever reason you decided to read this. You know that moment when you're talking to someone and all of the sudden depression slaps you up side the head? The person you're talking to gives you this look... They don't know what to do or say so they just stare, that moment kills me... You quickly change the subject yet you hope they'll ask wants wrong or what happened but they never do, so you just keep acting and listening to them talk. But all you can think is "Why didn't they ask whats wrong?" or "What if you scared them?" The questions fill you're mind and you can never find the answer. I hope you don't know what I am talking about, I pray that you will never know what I am talking about and that you'll never feel this way. That moment kills me because you'll never know what that person thinks of you now, it's the worst when it's a group of people because then you just silently leave the group and no one even notices, they don't try to find you or look for you; you just feel like if you killed yourself or disappeared no one would come looking for you... You don't excised anymore.

04/12/16

Not Enough

I'm not like the rest. I'm not as happy as others, I laugh and smile but most likely it isn't real, it never is. It's been rehearsed and improved over the years, what people don't understand really is that sadness gets addicting after a while. My mom doesn't understand that and I don't think she ever will, she says happiness is an option but is it really? I want to be happy but I can't help being sad, its getting so addicting that I start trying to make my life worse. I know I'm not good enough for my moms liking, she prefers my sisters, they're always and they play sports and are fit; they have their whole lives planed out. Then theres me, I have no clue what I'm doing, I'll probably never get married or have kids or even be happy for that matter. I guess I'm just not cut out for life, It's just not my thing. I'm really sorry I couldn't have been the daughter you wanted, I'm sorry I cut a lot, and cry all the time. I understand why a lot of people hate me now... I just push everyone away I am not good enough for anyone, I don't even know why I am still alive? I shouldn't be I'm useless no one loves me, how could someone love a depressed girl...?

04/17/16

Why Stop?

People want me to stop cutting... Do they even know what I am going through? How can they tell me to be happy when they haven't walked in my shoes or felt my pain? The worst is when they say to "just be happy" like its a choice. IF I COULD BE HAPPY I WOULD BE! Do they think I like being sad all the time, or cutting because I don't know how else to cope, I don't think people really understand how addicting cutting can get. Its basically like smoking but that kills you from the inside and cutting kills you from the outside... I don't know why people hate me for it though, I'm a "bad influence" because I cut, I'm a bad influence for not getting my work done 100%... SERIOUSLY! Can people please stop judging me for what I do or what I have done!! I'm sorry I'm not good enough ok, I know I'm not what anyone wants and I am sorry, I wish I could be prettier, smarter, skinnier, happier... I just am trying to survive right now, I don't know how much more I can take... I don't think ill make it... Why can't i do anything right? I just keep messing everything up, why can't I just be happy and not get sad all the time? I always have so much to write, so many things on my mind yet it's all sad... I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY! I can't handle this anymore, I'm sorry...

04/20/16

Disappointment

I can't do anything right, I just want to make someone happy and not be such a burden to people. I swear I'm trying I really am but I never seem to do things correctly, I can't live like this... I'm hurting everyone and they are never happy when they're around me, I just make everyone sad or I hurt their feelings because I'm scared to get close to people. My mom I'm just seeking attention. Like "Yup totally that's all I want." NO! I don't think HIDING everything is seeking attention, plus she thinks I can "just be happy" I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU DO THAT?! I want to be happy but when I am I just feel bad about it, I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Depression is a part of me, it's never going to leave and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a disappointment to my family and friends! I'm such a huge disappointment! I honestly don't know why I am still alive, I could have ended all this all a long time ago... Why didn't I? I'll never be the favourite, my sister already filled that spot, she's smart, skinny, sporty, happy... I deserve to die, I will never get happier I don't deserve to be happy. I wish I had killed myself, these old and new scars will never go away. My mom says they're hideous and that I should hide the... I believer her, I'm just a burden to everyone and all I do is hurt people; I tell them to stay away. I warn everyone who tries to get close and the usually don't last over a year, people get tired of me and move on to other people who are happy and aren't depressed and cutting. I'll never be what anyone wants and no one should love me... I hate life, I hate people, I hate love... But most of all I hate myself, I wish I had the guts to kill myself, I would have done it a long time ago if I did... But I'm still here, still breathing yet I'm not really alive. 

04/24/16

One Friend...

I'm alone. I only have one friend but she's not here, so I'm alone... I wish I fit in, I wish people would understand that when I'm depressed I distance myself from people. I don't want them to know I am hurting or that I have feelings, they would hurt me more if they knew... But not even some of the closest people in my life understand, they usually just think that I am being an ass or that I am antisocial... If only someone anyone understood, I want someone to help me fight my battles. My one friend sometimes she doesn't understand either, she judges the choices I make and how I live my life and it hurts; I wanna live my life my way but no one will let me. I just want to be alone forever, I want to be away from my mind and everything... I want to disappear.

04/29/16

Sadness

My mom hates me, I'm such a disappointment to her. If only she knew that being depressed wasn't my choice, I never wanted to be depressed; I want to be happy I really do I just don't know how to be... I just want someone to understand what I am going through and explain what I'm doing wrong... I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!