Cognizance

Chapter 4

Numb. As in, wala siyang nararamdaman. No pain, no sorrow. No joy, no gladness. Just the unending, indelible feeling of non-feeling. 

After the incident in the rain, as she walked aimlessly in downtown Los Angeles, there was nothing left to do but think, ponder upon the decisions she just made, and let it all come down in waves and waves, like water from the sky that gloomy afternoon. She and Eduardo were nothing. To begin with, they weren't anything; there was nothing to lose between them. What they had was a strange and uncanny friendship, and that was that. What they shared was nothing but fondness, and the tinges of flirtation that could have been something more. And what transpired in that gazebo, that... that kiss that never was, would just be a memory, a to-be-forgotten moment of indiscretion. And if it did happen, if she had given into her desires, and kissed him like she wanted to kiss him, they should just have to throw it aside. Eduardo Buenavista was nothing to her. 

Although. She sorta. Yeah. She knew she was lying to herself. Because they weren't nothing. She was going to kiss him because they were something, much more than the something she made them out to be when they were both still in Manila. This something, whatever it was, drove her to Los Angeles, and she didn't even know it yet. It drove her out of her comfort zone, and toward the unknown just so she can be closer to him. If that isn't something, then what is? 

It was almost trampled down by James, when he spoke to her about Eduardo. Seriously, though, what had gotten into Amor to believe in him? What is still possessing Amor that is motivating her to believe in everything that James said, despite what she and Eduardo been through, despite seeing his soul, his infinite before her? She didn't know. Maybe Eduardo was right. Maybe it really was her pride that got in the way. And here she thought that Eduardo's hamartia was what impeded on their companionship-- when all this time, it was hers. It was her pride, her prejudice, that pushed her into being a complete monster to a man she didn't even know. 

And now that he's poured his soul out. Now that she knows what his intentions are. What of them? What is she to do with words, spilled in the cement between them, dribbling out of his lips, as if he meant every word? Well. Eduardo could have meant every word. He had no reason to lie. What was the point of lying to her, and telling her that he--oh. That he loved her. What was the point of lying over it, if she truly was nothing to him? 

Amor rubs a fatigued hand down her face, and lets it settle back around her knees. She's been a pathetic sight the past two days, holed up in Tita Irma and Tito Greg's guest room. Wallowing in self-pity. But why, why wallow in self-pity? What had she to lose with Eduardo Buenavista? Amor's mother, if Chayong could hear her thoughts now, would say that Amor lost an advantageous coupling; Amor would have missed out on the opportunity for a better life. 

But that's not what she wants out of Eduardo. If anything, that would have been the last. She didn't care about Eduardo's wealth; she didn't care about his position in her company. She didn't care about all the externalities, all the excess that Eduardo seemed to boast in the day that they met. She didn't care about anybody else; she didn't even care about Benita, who would surely pose to be a problem if things worked out between her and Eduardo. She didn't care about Claudia, she didn't care about judgement, she didn't care about James. She only cared--cares--about Eduardo. His brooding, mysterious spirit, fuelled by the passion of a prodigal son, the fury of a man scorned. She cares about Eduardo, and his heart--his heart that knew how to love despite the seed of his destruction waiting at the wings, that learned how to give to David, that grew to understand someone like Amor. 

What was she even saying? Did she love Eduardo? Amor has been through this a thousand times, and it always ended one way: she can't love Eduardo. And she didn't.