"I read this book about a magical world and a boy with a tragic life. The boy's mentor had said that happiness could be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the lights. But what if the light switch is so far away that it feels almost impossible to reach it? What if I feel so hopeless, I can't find the willpower to even the a small flicker appear?"
✱
Maya stood up from her bed, legs a little ok wobbly, eyes a little too puffy. She walked over to her vanity where she kept her anti-depressants and swallowed two pills without thinking. "Ahem.." A male voice coughed, attempting to catch her attention.
"You know Maya, as hard as it is, you need to continue on with your life." Maya turned around and stared at Farkle, who looked as tired and drained as her. Maya shook her head, "if you came all the way from your house to tell me that then you should know it's just a waste of time." Her voice was hoarse, and it made both teenagers wince when they heard it. Maya had a look in her eyes that had once scared Farkle; but with the dark circles and dried tears around it, Farkle knew she was as harmless as a baby bunny.
"Just leave," Maya muttered under her breath while closing the window in which the boy was speaking through. "I was just going out anyways."
✱
Everyone stared at the girl with an unnaturally pale skin and tangled blonde hair tied up into a really messy bun. The dark circles under her eyes were covered with a thick layer of concealer and the redness of her eyes were unnoticeable with all the mascara and eyeliner she used. Maya Hart was always known for never using makeup and was still beautiful, and yet now that she did use makeup, only a fool could say she wasn't drop dead gorgeous. Even with the tangled hair and unfavorable clothes, she still managed to look stunning.
Maya walked pass the crowd of people and straight to class. Instead of her usual place, she chose to sit at the back, where no one would bother her. The corner of the classroom was different from where she usually sat, which is in front, it was lonely and dimmer. The cupboard beside her was filled with the projects her class had done; and on top of all the projects was a notebook with a purple cat painted on it. Shaking, Maya reach out for the notebook and held it in her palms, caressing it, as if she let go, she might break.
"Excuse me, but that's my seat." Interrupted a boy Maya never even noticed from all the time she had been in this class. The blonde glared and replied with enough venom to kill fifty people, "well it's mine now and you can find some other place." She proceeded into ignoring his attempts to argue with her until at the end he gave up and sat somewhere else. A few seconds later the teacher came in and Maya forced herself to look up and see the innocent brown eyes and dark brown hair she had always loved to see but now dreaded.
Her and Mr Matthews eyes locked and had a silent agreement to not acknowledge each other as anyone but a teacher and student. "Ms. Hart, good to see you back." All eyes turned to her but she only nodded, not even bothering to meet the eyes of her three friends who eyed her worriedly. Still she noticed them, Lucas was the first to look away, next was Farkle who forced a smile before staring intently on his textbook and then Zay, only Zay didn't look away until she mouthed "I'm fine" to him.
Maya had always liked Zay, not in a romantic way, but in a more low-key brother-sister way. It was always easy for them to talk to each other and discuss their feelings without feeling distant, in fact, Zay was the one Maya hang on to when her legs felt like jelly during the funeral, not Lucas, not Farkle, but Zay. Riley's funeral felt so long ago, and yet it hasn't even been a month. The thought of it made Maya clench her fist and brought tears to her eyes. She focused on the notebook in front of her; it was bought for a project they had to do. Maya opened it and saw it was still empty, which meant Riley hasn't even started.
The project was about legacy, what you leave behind, it was a little disappointing on Maya's part as she was hoping Riley had written something on the notebook that would comfort her.
✱
The bell rang and Maya hesitated in bringing the notebook. She walked to the front, hesitating again before asking, "C-can I have t-this?" Stuttering was never her thing, being nervous too, especially in front of Cory. Cory looked at her, sadness and pity apparent in his expression, "Sure." Maya was about to leave the room when he called her again, "Maya, you know you're still welcome any time right?"
The honey-blonde-haired girl forced a genuine smile, "y-yeah, thanks M-Matthews."
✱
Maya placed her tray on the table where Farkle and Zay were sitting. "Hey." she exclaimed before she took a seat. Both boys only nodded in reply as their mouth is full. Maya looked around, a little confused, "Where's Lucas?" The boys looked at her and then at each other with a little horror, they swallowed their food and started as gently as possible, "umm... well..." Farkle started, unsure how to phrase the information. Zay was the one who blurted out everything, "after THAT, Lucas doesn't want anything to do with us and joined the jocks, y'know, the one that has been asking him to join them ever since we started high school."
They looked terrified, as if Maya was about to break again, but they were wrong, it couldn't break her, nothing could break her anymore, she was already too broken that even the shards of what is left of her is no longer sharp and dangerous, they've became blunt and a little too dull. "Oh." was her reply before she started eating in silence, not caring about the whispers about her and her friends behind her.
✱
Maya reached her "home". Ever since her mother had married Shawn, they had moved to another apartment, bigger than the last one, and in a better neighborhood. Maya was thankful for that, the new apartment felt more welcoming than the last, and yet every time she enters, she felt like there was something missing.
Maya went directly to her bedroom; it was bigger than her last and had a better view of the city. Ever since Maya moved, Riley was the one who kept on coming through her window. She didn't have a bay window like at the Matthews' house but it still had a nice large window that even an adult man could fit through. Maybe it was exhaustion, or maybe it was the fact that she felt lonely, but Maya could feel tears running down her cheeks. For a second, she couldn't care less about how she might look like if she does start crying but then she remembered that if she did start crying again, she wouldn't stop, and that's no good.
In an attempt to distract herself, Maya grabbed the purple cat-painted notebook and open it into a blank page, which is also the first page. At first she thought that she'll just draw something and keep herself distracted; but then she remembered that the notebook was made to leave a legacy. The notebook was too precious for Maya to only randomly scribble in, she felt that that is an insult to Riley's belonging. Instead she thought, if she was going to get through all this, she needs to pour out her feelings; and so, she started to write.
Her hands we groggy at first, not knowing what to write or how to write down her feelings. It wasn't a long entry, only about a page of the notebook, and it's a small notebook, so it's not much, but it made Maya feel better. Riley was someone who Maya poured her feelings to, the notebook is the legacy; someone who is always willing to listen, to understand, to try to make things better, that was Riley Matthews.
✱
Hope, that was something Riley taught me. It took me awhile, years in fact, to start hoping for things. Maybe it's because I had hoped for too much and most of it had came true - Shawn's my father and Lucas picked me over Riley - that I jinxed my life once again. Riley Matthews was, no, is, the best thing that happened to me. She was the best person I could be, and I think, I want to make her proud. She told me that happiness is a matter of choice and that to every bad thing that happens, something good can be found in it.
Right now, I can't see anything good coming from that, but maybe someday I will - maybe someday I'll be able to hope again - but until then, I will do my best to move forward, because that's what Riley would want me to do, and I will do my best to make her proud.
Love you Riles
Jan 16, 2017 - move forward and make Riley proud.
