A cutters story (true)

If you ask anyone I'm just a perfect little angel...at least only the ones that truly don't know me...worse part is my whole family would be in that category of people.I've always been the pretty little blonde that everyone just adored so much,some people just a adored me to much.but I've always felt alone and vulnerable even...until I ment this perfect guy, I know what your thinking how could a girl this young find love so quickly I was wondering the same thing.but I knee he was something real.The only problem is that I never really wanted to be this close to someone I've been hurt and used even though I'm only twelve.when I was in first grade I had a boyfriend no biggie...I also only had one friend since I was shy and she was a good friend, but she had the same problem as I did there was this one kid in our class he would sit next to me during read aloud and rub his hand up my skirt or shorts even if I had jeans on he'd stick his hand down my pants on way or another...like I said I was shy and he did the same to my friend I never had the courage to say anything because I didn't know what to say...that is until my friend did.they never believed they just said I was lieing and so I started to believe them.I never liked that fact that I matured faster than others, but sadly I did and girls made fun of me told me that I was just stuffing my bra and I was only in second grade.my mom never knew anything that ever happened cuz I didnt think I could trust her to not laugh and she was always busy working.The only good think that year was that I met a friend he was youger than by maybe about a year I played with him everyday...but sadly I stopped after what his cousin did.remember how I said I was in second grade well his cousin was in sixth grade with my older sister, now I didn't know much about him or boys at the time when he asked me out a few days after I met him I didnt really know what that meant so I agreed next day he wants to hold my hand I figured I hold my moms hand how bad could this be.Well little did I know later on when we were playing "hide and seek"...he sat me on top of the air conditioner outside and started running his hand up mh shirt so I smacked him and ran away.My father abused us physically and mentally.My stepdad abused us.so as you can see I didn't really have good experiences with guys in my life so I didn't wanna mess things up or get hurt this time so me and james(perfect boyfriend in the world) kinda had an on and off relationship.I'm a broken princess with a broken future...I cut myself and I drink my friends don't approve and my boyfriend got upset whenever I cut I guess I can't blame him.I stopped cutting for awhile because I didn't want to hurt him, but I started doing it again when I began middle school kids were calling me fat and ugly...one day I was overflowing with emotions one when people were calling me fat...so once I got home I started cutting up my stomach, wrists, shoulder, and my ankle I had to cut in so many different places so people wouldn't notice that easily.that night I broke up with him...he was hurt so much that he wanted to kill himself(thank god he didn't) I never seen so depressed.I cant stop thinking about and my past...so all I do warn out of energy and strength I don't cry I just grab my razor and sing the cutters lullabie as I watch the blood run out from beneath my skin onto my arm and leg as I slowly start to forget about it all.All I do is think when will I finally make my move and cut deeper slowly cut myself or maybe even use pills under the influence of alcohol depends on how much pain in in I guess...but without him I just feel so lonely, afraid, and more vulnerable.When will it ever end......