My feet pounded against the crunchy forest floor. Each step bringing me closer to the one place I needed to be. The trees started to surround me like the warm embrace I so desperately needed. My breathing became faster as my lungs screamed for air. No longer thinking, no longer knowing; just letting my body take me where I needed to go.
What had just happened? Was he really gone? My body began to go numb, but that was okay; I was almost there. The trees began to lessen and I finally collapsed. On my hands and knees I let myself think. Not about what just happened, no, it's too soon for that. I start small.
I let in the sounds of the birds singing, allowing them to calm my heartbeat. I kept my eyes on the ground watching the tall grass dance to a soundless song. I ran my hand over the top letting it tickle my palm as I sat back.
I glanced up to the tree tops wincing as the sunlight blinded me. I took a few seconds to let my eyes adjust and looked around, taking in every inch. Taking in the trees covered in a brilliant green moss, the birds playing a never ending game of tag, the bubbling stream, and the flowers dancing in the sun tainted wind. How could this be a place where grief could exist? Everything shined, whether it was the dew off the grass or the sun rays through the trees. This seemed to be the place where serenity came from.
Why was this place so special that I felt a need so strong to come here, that I flew? Was it because of Zayn and his presence is now so strong here? This used to be his place, a special piece of his world he had shared with me. This is where it all started, where it really started. Every sacred memory I hold near and dear to my heart had happened here. But that's all they are now. Their memories. I'm left to fight to remember them. No hope of new ones to come.
I felt another piece of my heart break, as if there were even any left. We had our first date here. I could remember it like it was yesterday. We had always been friends, but neither one of us ever thought to take it any further. Then one day he said something. One moment we were best friends and the next he was dragging me to a picnic in this forest. He grabbed my hands and said it. "I love you. I always have and I always will." I couldn't say anything, so I just stared into his warm brown eyes, mind racing.
I closed my eyes as another tear fell. So many memories and they all seemed to hit me at once. My two favorites being me saying "Yes." and us saying "I do". They all happened here
Flash Back
"(Y/N), stop complaining love. We're almost there."Zayn laughed at me.
"But Zayn, my feet hurt and I can't see anything." I whined. We had already been out to dinner so I was dressed nice, in heels and a dress. I thought we were done for the night, but no. As soon as I stepped foot out the car Zayn blind folded me, leading me to an unknowingly known place. I knew we were going to our meadow. I've been there so many times I knew every step it took to get there, and Zayn knew this, too. So why did he blind fold me? I wonder what my little mastermind is planning.
"(Y/N). Breathe. Don't you trust me?" I could hear the smile in his voice. I trusted him with my life, and he knew that.
"You know I do, but you do know I'm an impatient person." He laughed again. Wow, how does he still give me butterflies in everything he does? I stumbled over a rock again, and Zayn caught me.
"Whoa, stop. I got you." I could smell his breath, sweet and minty. I felt him reach for my heels to take them off. He ignored my slight protest and felt my feet lift off the ground. He was carrying me bridal style. "Better?" He asked. I just nodded my head with a smile on my face. I tried to speak, but he cut me off. "The answer to that question is yes. We are almost there. You need to learn at least a little bit of patience." I rested my head on his shoulder and tried not to pout. A few minutes later I felt his lips on the top of my head and he lowered me to the ground. I smiled as I scrunched the grass between my toes. I felt him tugging at the blind fold. "Keep your eyes closed." He whispered. As it fell I kept my eyes close just like he asked. "Now open." As I did, I gasped and my knees went weak. There we were in this magical place. We were in our meadow, but now there were lights hanging from every tree making me feel like I was in a whole other world. The flowers took on a lighter tint, and the whole place was illuminated. My hand flew to my mouth and tears began to flood my eyes when I saw him down on one knee.
"(Y/N) (Y/L/N) I'm so lucky as to fall in love with my best friend." He reached in his jacket to pull out a little Tiffany box, and revealed a beautiful diamond ring. I dropped to my knees. He took a deep breath before he continued. "I thought that it would matter what I said to you tonight, so I spent days writing it out. Truthfully, I can't remember a single word from any of them." He chuckled. "Now I realize the only thing that matters is you. You make me happier than I ever thought I could ever be." His voice cracked and he took a second to collect himself. "And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Y/N) my Angel, will you marry me?" I couldn't speak. Tears were falling and all I could do was nod. He slipped the ring on my finger and kissed it. "Forever and always."
*5 months later
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered her in this beautiful place to witness the marriage between (Y/N) (Y/L/N) and Zayn Malik." The preacher smiled warmly at our friends and family. We were here in the same meadow. It wasn't a fancy wedding, just some white benches with ribbon and bows. Very simple, but the forest made it magical. My dress was strapless with intricate beading on the top that went down over the sides. On the bottom it was raised so you could see my satin heels. It hovered over the ground so I didn't have to worry about it dragging on the dirt floor. Zayn was in a simple black tux that made my heart stop. I stared into his eyes as we repeated everything the preacher said. I was just waiting for the vows. "Have you prepared anything to say to each other?"
I cleared my throat and took a deep breathe. "I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, to love you even when I hate you, and to have the patience that love needs. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they're not. I vow to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it my home. Forever and always." My voice faded out as I tried my hardest to hold myself together. Zayn's eyes were filled with unshod tears and he mouthed 'I love you' to me.
He coughed and began his vows. "I vow to always love you in all your forms, now and forever. I vow to love you even when I hate you. I promise never to forget that this is a once in a lifetime love, and that what we have is ours. I vow that no matter what challenges may carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other. My vows stood for yesterday, they stand for today, and they will stand forever." My world froze, and all I saw was him. I was overcome with the love that I have for this man.
"Zayn do you take (Y/N) as your wife; to have and to hold, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"
"I do."
"(Y/N) do you take Zayn as your husband; to have and to hold, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"
"I do."
"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride." Cheers erupted from behind us, but it seemed so distant. I was stuck in this moment with him, and I didn't want to move.
End Flash Back
I smiled. I was still filled with that same love, but it wasn't always happy here. This was also the place we had our first big fight.
Flash Back
"(Y/N)? I'm going to tell you something... I need you to stay quiet until I'm finished. Okay? Angel, can you do that for me?" The way he looked at me made my blood run cold. "I joined the army..."
"You did what?! Zayn! Did you even think about including me in this? What the-"
"(Y/N). Let me finish please. I've been feeling like I haven't done much with my life. I started thinking about what I could do that would make a difference, so I joined the army."
"Zayn! You can't go. No. I can't. No. No. I won't let you." Why was he doing this to me?
"(Y/N), it's my choice. I already enlisted and I ship out to Iraq in a week." I stared at him, lost for words. A week? Iraq? "Babe, be happy for me." he reached out for my hand, but I stepped back. I get that he wanted to serve his country and it was an honor and all, but why couldn't we have at least talked about it? I was his wife; he's supposed to include me in these things. "Angel, I-"
"No! You don't get to. You can't just throw this at me, and here? Really? You didn't even include me! Do you know the risks, or did you just skip over that? Oh, and you just have to go to Iraq?" I was in tears now. "Don't tell me you'll come back, you can't promise that! You don't know for sure. What if you don't? Zayn I don't want those men on my front door telling me I lost you. I wouldn't be able to handle that." I was crying, barely getting my words out. All I could see was the little pink plus sign from that stick. "If that happens, are you really going to leave me here alone to have our baby? I mean-"
"Wait. You're pregnant?" His eyes went wide. He took a cautious step towards me and then another, testing if I was going to step back. He closed the gap and put his hands on my stomach. "There's a little us in there?" He looked up at me with pure joy, all anger forgotten. He knelt down so he was eye level with my belly and kissed it. "Hey little guy, I'm your daddy." I ran my fingers through his brown hair and he stood back up. He put a hand on my cheek and wiped away my tears. He kissed my forehead and pulled me into a hug. "We'll be okay. I promise."
End Flash Back
I let out a whimper. It was time. A part of me didn't want to. Thinking about it and saying it made it all real. I let everything replay in my head anyway and closed my eyes. The constant worry, the knock, the two soldiers with their hats in their hands and a look of grief so deep it kills. Not even needing them to say a word about it. I was watching my one fear, my one nightmare, come to life. It was the one thing he said wouldn't happen. I put my hand on my growing belly, as if I could protect him from the news that was coming my way. "I'm so sorry Mrs. Malik..." That's when I ran.
I opened my eyes and found my answer. He was here. I could see him everywhere. He was the songs from the birds; he was the wind beneath their wings. He was the sunlight that danced on top of the stream, and the smell of the flowers. Most of all, he is the reason to go on. Our little boy will have his name, and grow up with a constant reminder that his father was a hero. Not only for our country, but for me. I allow myself to fall apart, letting the pieces left of me go. I close my eyes again and whisper the one word I never wanted to say to him. The word I thought would never leave my lips. "Goodbye".
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