One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 9 - Rae

As I rush off my mind can not process the events quickly enough.

What the fuck was that?

What is Finn's game? and how the fuck does he know who I am?

A cacophony of thoughts fill me and they make me want to hide.

Why does he keep doing this to me?

The way he looks at me is unnerving. Nobody has ever looked at me like that before. It is like he sees me, really sees me. I don't know what to make of it.

Since leaving hospital I have been fine alone and now I have him stalking me, hunting me down and saying completely ridiculous things to me. What was it he said today, oh yeah, that's right I am all warmth and light. I am nothing, and if he thinks I am going to believe whatever this is, he is very much mistaken. Finn Nelson may be fit and used to getting what he wants, but I am not going to be fooled. As much as I desperately want to believe that he is genuine I have to be realistic. Only reason he would be talking to fat mad me would have to be for a joke.

I play it all over in my mind as I head towards home. I know I am bunking off from college, but Chloe will be over soon and I need to prepare. Part of me wants to quiz her about Finn, she would know all about him. I certainly can't explain what's happened in the last couple of days, it makes no sense to me whatsoever.

As I walk in the door mum is almost ready to leave for work. In that split second when I realise she is still at home I instantly regret bunking off.

"Rachel Earl!" she screetched "What in bloody hell are you doing home?"

I dump my bag and look at her "Mum, I just needed to be home". I reply with a soft voice. Mum pauses and asks if I am ok. "Yeah ma, I'm just tired. I need a sleep. Chloe will be over to keep me company later and I just need to lie down", I reassure mum.

"Rae love, is there something going on at college you want to tell me about?" mum asks.

I shake my head. "Mum college is fine, I am just tired".

"Ok, well, if there is something, you need to tell me love, we can sort it out together" mum continues.

I nod and promise I would tell her knowing full well I am lying through my teeth, there is no chance that I am telling her about Finn Nelson and the strangeness of the last couple of days that has resulted in me feeling rattled, wanting to hide away and never step foot into college again. Hide away at a time when I had been doing so well. How quickly the tide seems to have changed.

"Love, please don't stay up all night, and remember after work I am staying at Aunt Sarah's because I have a double shift tomorrow and I'm staying another night so i can help her out with Robert. He has been so sick the poor lad. So I won't be home until Monday. I've left money on the bench" she says "No sweets, stay out of the cupboard, don't drink the booze and no parties. Hear me no parties. Sarah's number is with the money." She kisses me with a look of concern however she drops the subject and leaves.

I am alone with my thoughts, and I feel kind of lucky Chloe is coming over. Chloe will distract me from what is going on. She will also remind me to follow my head and be cautious. I go up to my room and put on some Oasis and start to tidy up. If I am busy maybe I will stop thinking so much about the last conversation I had with Finn.

No chance. I give up on distracting myself. I get my diary and lie on my bed.

Dear Diary 16 June 1996.

My day was even more strange than yesterday. I have two words FINN NELSON!

Was he having a laugh? He had to have been, fittest lad in college can't possibly have wanted to touch and talk to me.

Every word, look, smile and touch from him keeps going round and round in my mind, though completely out of sequence. While I know this must be a joke I can't help but think about how I like the way he sat with me. His smile is incredible. I love the way I got used to his body pressed against my side, his familarity with me. I have never had a boy pay attention to me at all, let alone the fittest lad in college. The boy with the perfect body, the cutest freckles, brows that tell a story and a smile that well sends me to gushington central.

I was coming to terms with his persistence up until I had to escape. His words at that point became completely unbelievable. Like something from a movie.

I sit for a moment unable to write another word. I feel uncomfortable but somehow with the start of wonderwall from my stereo my brain suddenly switches into defiant mode.

I start writing again...

Fuck You Finn Nelson, seriously my music taste is superior, and I can prove I am far from predictable. Nothing makes me more angry than someone having a go at my music knowledge... I know my music, I know how to drop the big guns.

Who does he think he is.

Why did he touch me like that?

Why did he want to talk to me?

Why can't he just leave me alone?

Writing in my dairy doesn't make me feel better but it does make me feel more fired up. I am going to get to know Finn Nelson but only to reveal the sick game he is playing. Well that is what I am telling myself. It has nothing to do with me wanting to touch him or feel him against me or have him listen to my music and tell me that music is my domain and he apologises for implying anything different.

He has invaded my space, my mind and seriously my body, I would love nothing more than to succomb to his words and touch, to believe him. I know though I can't.

I vow to continue to proceed with caution when it comes to Finn.