Positive Vibes

The whole damn thing. Enjoy

One morning, Mr. Andrews, for no reason in particular, was feeling a little sad. A little grumpy. A little suicidal. Ever the well-read, well-informed individual, Mr. Andrews was reading the paper when he found a brochure for Padre Island, land of the positive vibes. Needless to say, he was in need of some of those positive vibes. So, Mr. Andrews went to go look at some buses to rent. Ever the insightful man, Mr. Andrews thought, "Why not just buy one instead?" And so he did, he gave his entire bank account, property, belongings, wife, one of his kidneys, his brother's kidney, and a few more organs from the local cemetery so he could buy himself a brand spankin' new bus. Ever the sophisticated man, Mr. Andrews knew that he must give this bus a complex, poetic name that brought out everything he wanted this bus to be known for. All the things that he decided was worth everything he had. Then, he had it. "The Vibemobile". So, the very next day Mr. Andrews set out for Padre Island. He had a swell time, so swell that he used stupid words like swell. There were positive vibes all over the place, in every direction. From toilets to emo kids screaming "IT'S NOT A PHASE MOM", everything just had those positive vibes spewing out. Mr. Andrews liked Padre Island so much, he wanted to take home a souvenir, and he knew just where to go. There was a young couple living on Padre Island, newlywed and at the prime of their lives. They were the proud parents of an adorable baby girl, a favorite on Padre Island. They never suffered a moment of sadness, or any negativity at all for that matter, during their time together on Padre Island. Nothing could break their powerful spirit. Ever the practical man, Mr. Andrews decided to sneak into their home and take the baby home as his souvenir. As he was leaving, though, he felt an awfully familiar feeling. Mr. Andrews was not planning on breaking into a home at night when he was chowing down on some positive vibe breakfast burritos, and it was time for him to pay for his sins. Mr. Andrews' impressive, yet unfortunately timed expulsion of air from his buttocks woke the couple from their peaceful, positive vibe filled slumber, who subsequently called the cops. Rudely interrupted during their midnight donut party, the police were packing heat and burning rubber on their way to punish Mr. Andrews for the inconvenience he has caused them. Mr. Andrews, ever the intelligent man, hauled ass to the Vibemobile and chucked the baby... somewhere in the general area behind the driver's seat. Who knows? Who cares? Moving on. The cops, fueled by liquid positive vibes, quickly caught up to the Vibemobile. Mr. Andrews, ever the resourceful man, knew what he had to do. He grabbed the baby and punted it into the sky. The gods smiled upon Mr. Andrews and rewarded him for his offering. Some intense positive vibes beamed down onto the Vibemobile, lifting it into the air and back home faster than light. The cops, distraught after their failure, went home and begged to the gods for forgiveness for their sins and vowed fight those who commit crimes against positive vibes better in the future. Mr. Andrews, now safely back in the town where his house used to be, needed a new home. Ever the materialistic man, Mr. Andrews chose to live in the cardboard box he stuffed organs into to help pay for the Vibemobile. Ever the heterodox man, Mr. Andrews set himself aside from the other hobos by settling down with his box under a bridge. He considered the old ladies who whacked him with their pocketbooks the price he had to pay to live in such a luxurious residence. One night, Mr. Andrews felt a sudden burst of positive vibes, and he found the baby he sacrificed floating in the river near his home, with $500 conveniently placed in its diaper. Ever the sensitive and compassionate man, Mr. Andrews took the $500 and went to sleep, leaving the baby floating in the river. In the morning, he woke up to some positive vibes, courtesy of the baby, and thought, "Hey, I could get used to this." Ever the decorative man man, Mr. Andrews hung the baby by the diaper inside his box. While admiring his masterpiece, though, Mr. Andrews missed the sheer amount of positive vibes he experienced back at Padre Island. Ever the philanthropic man, Mr. Andrews felt a little guilty about keeping all these positive vibes to himself. So, he called up his friend who had recently gotten divorced, lost his job, fell victim to a Nigerian scam, and was smack dab in the middle of a midlife crisis. His friend eagerly said yes, and they set a date to go to Padre Island. Ever the filial man, Mr. Andrews knew he couldn't leave the baby behind. When the time came to bust out the Vibemobile and pick up his friend, he did what any good parent would do, and tossed the baby in the trunk along with a loosely-closed bottle of painkillers. So the crew went on their way to Padre Island. It was so great, Mr. Andrews' friend almost had a vibe attack. Ever the honest, trustworthy man, Mr. Andrews conveniently "forgot" to mention the $500 fee for the bus ride. His distraught friend only had $298 left after stuffing his face and pockets with all the positive vibe breakfast burritos he could. Mr. Andrews felt a little bad about what he pulled and decided that, from then on, all rides on the Vibemobile would only cost $500 total instead of per person. Ever the kind, merciful man, Mr. Andrews only swindled $250 off of his friend, and then sold one of the baby's kidneys on the internet for the other $250. Mr. Andrews' friend enjoyed those positive vibes so much, a few days later, he asked if he could come again with his wife. Ever the flexible man, Mr. Andrews managed to make some room in his tight schedule of scaring civilians and eating billy goats to plan for another trip. A few days later, off they went, once again filling themselves with all of those positive vibes. His friend's wife enjoyed it so much, the two lovers started volunteering and going to church. Ever the community-loving, god-fearing man, Mr. Andrews scoffed at this and thought it was a waste of time. So a little while after the trip, he charged them each $166.67 in the hopes that they would go back to focusing on making more money that Mr. Andrews could scam them out of. Of course, it was only fair that the baby paid its share of money as well, so Mr. Andrews decided it could live without its appendix. Unfortunately for Mr. Andrews, his friend refused to pay the money and took it to court. Ever the logical man, Mr. Andrews knew the judge would not rule in his favor, and their stone-cold hearts can not be softened by the sight of babies, even ones with all those positive vibes. So he took a different approach. Ever the law-abiding man, Mr. Andrews totally did not sneak into the judge's home, did not kidnap him, and did not throw the judge, his friend, his friend's wife, and the baby all into the back of the Vibemobile and head for Padre Island. By some miracle that was totally not attributable to Padre Island's positive vibes, the judge ruled in Mr. Andrews' favor and his friend decided not to appeal. Seeing how happy his friend was, Mr. Andrews started to get a little lonely, almost considering regretting selling his wife for the Vibemobile. Ever the magnanimous man, Mr. Andrews decided to make his friend jealous by bringing not one, but two young ladies with him on his next trip. Not only did Mr. Andrews get them drunk enough to think paying him was good for them, but he got them drunk enough to be attracted to him. After calling up his always-eager friend, Mr. Andrews gathered up his friend, his friend's wife, his new concubines, and the miraculously still-alive baby, and they all went on a nice trip to Padre Island. But this time, Mr. Andrews, getting used to the positive vibes, had another idea in mind. He decided to cut off ties with all of them, start fresh with his life. So Mr. Andrews dumped them all into the ocean. Ever the superstitious man, Mr. Andrews had a strange feeling that his baby was more than meets the eye. Sure enough, swimming around at high speeds, his baby nibbled the others to death with its toothless mouth. When it was done, it jumped back into Mr. Andrews' arms, who had never realized what a studmuffin his baby was. He decided to name it Goblin, after the equally attractive Goblin Shark. Mr. Andrews, realizing his mistake too late, did not take charge his companions before throwing them into the ocean. Ever the responsible man, Mr. Andrews concluded that this was their fault for not paying sooner. However, the problem still stood. So he sold the baby's spleen, lung, large intestine, and genitals to make up for the lost revenue. When Mr. Andrews arrived back to his box house, he knew he needed to come up with another source of revenue. Ever the mature, elevated man, Mr. Andrews considered selling pet rocks for boatloads of cash. Then he had a better idea; he'd take his favorites with him to Padre Island! So, Mr. Andrews, Generic Name 1, Generic Name 2, Generic Name 3, Generic Name 4, and Generic Name 5 all went to Padre Island together.