Paper Tiger

A LETTER TO REMEMBER

"I just think that at certain point, we have to go back from the beginning again. From ashes we came, to ashes we return."

I can hear the grief of the people around me as the ceremony ended. I wiped the inevitable tears in my weary eyes as I stare at him, peacefully lying in a beautiful white coffin.

Now I wonder what's more in life without him.

After his burial, I went to my room and cry a river. And as I search my hanky on the drawer, I found an envelope. More tears flow down as I read the message inside it :

Anne,

There is so much to say, so much I will probably leave out by mistake and then I'll hate myself forever for having missing the opportunity. But if this is all I left to you, this all I can say really, I love you Anne. I will never have the chance to say it to you again. But every time you read this, know that it is me, saying it afresh, wherever I may be. How I wish I could see you right now, embrace you and be there to wipe your tears. I know right now you are grieving because of my death. Sorry for making you cry. Sorry for leaving you so early. But don't imprison yourself in me. Remember that you're an art long before I came to admire and love you. And you'll continue being an art even when I'm gone. You are God's masterpiece. I know God has a better plan for you. You will meet many other guys, and I know one of them can be your prince. Sorry, it wasn't me.You are Wendy but I was never your Peter Pan,You are Juliet but I was never your Romeo, you are Rose but I was never your Jack, and you are Anne but I was never the right man. But know that I had loved you with all my heart and soul, and I will always love you that way. You are perfect and I'm yours forever.
Love,
Chad

My handkerchief went wet as I finished reading it. I stared at his cardigan hanging on the wall; I gave it to him as a present last Christmas. My heart sank as I realized that I will never see him again wearing it, how I love to see him wearing that blue cardigan during cold and starry nights. I will never hear his deep manly voice again that resonates throughout the room every time he tells me how amazed he is in the wit of Scheherazade on Arabian Nights. I will never see his sweet smile again, the one that radiates especially when he's devouring his favourite smores and caramel Machiatto at the old café in suburb. I will never witness his quirks again, the way he used to beam while he closes his hazel-brown eyes. I will never see him again driving along the Western coastal roads as he sing 'My Heart Will Go On' on the top of his lungs while I laughed my heart out on the shotgun seat of his faded blue Mitsubishi Mirage. But above all, what saddens me the most is the thought that I will never be able to say how much I love him, that he mean the world to me.

But he's right, this had happen for a reason. I don't have to imprison myself on him. There is so much in life if I will learn to be positive. I can manage to live without him. I'm still God's masterpiece even without his presence. I can make it through life even without him. And I thank him for making me realize those things. For now, all I can do is to cry. Let the pain of his death hurt me, let it bleed and I know someday, I can learn to let go. But now, I will be a paper tiger, pretending to be strong but deep inside, I'm totally broken. I know someday, I will be genuinely okay. Yeah I lost him, but I'm going to find myself. And someday, it will all make sense.