Darkness. Pain. Sorrow. Emptiness. Rejection. Patheticness. Begging. I don't mind the pain so much, it makes me feel alive. The pain reminds me that i once loved someone so deeply that when they left i was lost. I was broken by their words, by their actions. I know that he once cared for me, but that was the past, now he couldn't care less about me.
The sorrow i could live without. I hate lying awake at night wondering what i did wrong, wondering what i could have done to keep him. I realize that since i'm only in high school people don't think i know what love is, and maybe i don't but i do know that i did care about someone so deeply it hurt. Whatever i felt was strong, unbreakable...or so i thought. It was almost to the point where i couldn't stand to be without him.
"I love him" i'm sure that we've all said this if not out loud then in our head. The definition of love is an intense feeling or deep affection, how can people have such strong feelings for someone? How can you crave someone's presence so much that it hurts? How can one person mean that much to someone, then just leave out of the blue?
The darkness is what i can't stand. Darkness makes me feel alone and unwanted, which is honestly is how i am treated. There is a saying it goes like this " You're not afraid of the dark, you're only afraid of what could be in it." Which is true to a certain extent, for me i am afraid of just the dark. I'm afraid of my own mind, i'm afraid of being left alone in the dark with my thoughts.
Emptiness is the one thing that i want to live without. The fact of knowing that you're missing something but you can't have it. You can't have the one thing that you need to make yourself whole again. People always say it gets better with time i promise, but it doesn't for me it only gets worse. Knowing that the one person you need, doesn't want you. Complete and total emptiness is all i feel.
Rejection is the worst feeling in the world. Having the one person you want to want you not want you at all. Hearing the words "I don't like you", " You're not pretty", " You're too fat" makes me wish that i was someone other than me. If you're too weak rejection can break you. If you're too strong people think that you can handle rejection so they reject you even more.
Being called pathetic is like getting a wake up call. I always used to find myself being sorry for myself, saying that my life couldn't be worse. But then i thought that, that is what he would want me to feel like. He would want me to feel depressed and alone, so right then i knew that i had to act happy, i knew that i wasn't happy but no one else had to know that. You have to put on a face and act happy, you have to smile and laugh even if you feel like crying.
Begging someone to take you back because you just can't live without them. That feeling of being lost without that one person by your side. All you want is to have them back in your life no matter what it takes. They were always there for you no matter what, then one day they were gone just as fast as they came into your life. The pain you feel in your chest when you miss someone so much. How can they explain the physical pain you feel when all you want is to be with someone? How are feelings as strong as this even possible? Why do we fall for the people that we can't have? Why does life have to be so difficult?
I caught myself writing this one day......"I realize that you don't like me, and you probably never will. I am still in love with you. I miss you all the time and i can't stop. I miss the way that you used to look at me like i was the only thing in the world. I miss how you used to tell me that i was beautiful every day. I miss your hair, the way you used to let me play with it after you would get it cut. I miss your green eyes. I miss your smile, your half smile was the cutest thing ever. Your laugh was contagious, i miss your big hands with your cute little freckle on your pinky finger. I miss your smell, i'll never forget the way you smelt. I'd always take a deep breath in whenever you hugged me, i felt safe whenever you hugged me like nothing could ever hurt me. I miss your personality and your sass and how you didn't care if people judged you. I miss all the voices and faces you used to make just to make you laugh. I love how you were so protective over me, i miss all the jokes you used to make. You are just flat out amazing to me. I miss cuddling with you every saturday, i miss the forehead kisses that you used to give me whenever you would hug me. I miss our late nights, crazy dates, i miss watching the stars with you. I miss wearing your sweatshirt, i miss smelling like you. I just miss you. You used to love me i know you did. I don't want to be with anyone but you, i care about you so much. I will do anything to get you back, just give me a chance."
After i write things like this i wonder why I would make myself seem weak, i wonder why i would open up like that. I think this way when i am sad and when i miss him so much. But when i feel strong and independent, and i read what i wrote when i was sad it makes me feel pathetic. I shouldn't need anyone to make me happy, i found happiness before him so i can find it again. I just have to remember how i did it by myself, it's been so long since i've had to do things alone. I can't remember how to be happy. When i think of happiness i think of him, he made me happy.
Let me tell you something about getting attached to someone, Don't. I was someone who kept to themselves, but then he brought me out of my shell. I got attached to him a little too much, and then all of a sudden he was gone. I was with him for over a year and we were together once if not twice every weekend, you could say i was a little attached. You get used to someone being there for you, you get used to a routine. Once they aren't there you're lost almost, you depend on them to be there. People can leave your life as soon as they came.
Then he texts you and you get excited...... because he texted you! He tells you that you need to text him on a different number because he got a new phone. Now why would he tell you that unless he wanted you to text him? He texts you and asks you questions that he could ask his friends but yet he chose to ask you instead, why? He swears that he doesn't like you, but yet he talks to you about things. Boys say that girls are confusing they should try figuring themselves out from out shoes.
Your song comes on and you don't know whether or not you should change it, or just keep listening and listen to all the words and let the emotions hit you. If you're like me you'll listen to the song and later on wish you wouldn't have. Sitting there in silence as the words tear you apart piece by piece and all you can do is sit there. The pain you feel makes you know that the feelings were real. That someone once loved you so much, and then they just left you. They left you broken, now you have to pick up the pieces and try to get yourself back together. You won't laugh at the same things you had before, you won't think the way that you used to. Something just clicks inside of you and you're just different. You will never be the same again and It's not fair to the next guy.
Sometimes he catches me looking at him, he just looks at me then looks away. I know that he has to have some kind of feelings for me. He tries to find every little thing wrong with me so he has more reasons to hate me. I don't understand why, i would do anything for him, but he wishes i was dead. When i see him in the halls i just put my head down and keep walking, i can feel him staring at me though. His friends say that he likes me and that he is thinking about dating me again, but i can never trust them.
My prom night was supposed to be about me. Instead I broke down while my prom date was in the other room waiting for me. My prom was meant to be spent with "him" but instead I was with someone else.
