Parents
There's no easy way to say it. Every time I think I might it comes out as a mumble and my fear takes over, but now I just can't anymore. I want to see if I have depression and just listen to me for once when I tell you this. Don't say I have no reason to be sad just because I get things I want, I have a family, a house, etc. 'Cause honestly I have too many reasons to remember. You don't know the pain I have every day. You don't know how many times I've cried myself to sleep or took a shower out of nowhere just so I could cry in peace. The tears and pain are unstoppable at this point. I barely remember when I used to be happy and outgoing. Any time I try now it's like the energy drains out of me as soon as I try. So I don't even try anymore. There's always a voice that says "You can't, you'll look stupid, just stop talking and let everyone be happy without you being with them." And I have to hear it all the time.
I just want help, but the problem is, I can't accept it. I know something is wrong with me, but I just can't bare listen to any one but me saying that. Also, if I went to therapy, I wouldn't listen cause I know they are just doing their job and they don't care as long as they get money. They are also annoying. All they do is pester you into telling them and it's like "You are making me feel so much worse. Just please stop." But they won't.
Pills won't help either. I've ruined that too. Whenever I can't take another look at a day, I go to my stash and down them until I'm numb and fall into the darkness. You don't even know how much blood has spilt along with them.
I want to tell you so bad. I want to scream it for fucks sake. It's not like I can just say it out of nowhere. No way will I ever say "I hate living and I cry myself to sleep every night. I've overdosed and cut myself too and I need help. Okay? Cool" I already know I'll get yelled at and so much more. I just can't. I can't do it. I just wish instead of writing about it I could tell you.
Fin
