The Inside me Mirror

Keep Kissing those Frogs

 Thank you to my new boyfriend, for actually allowing me to heal, when I wrote this months before we started dating I thought I was just making up some BS happy ending, but now I know it's true. Happy early 4 months Will.

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            Month after month I feel myself getting better, even talking and seeing Kieryan doesn’t bother me anymore. He’s there but I’m fine with that. Are the feelings completely gone? No, but I doubt they ever will be. They are controllable though, It’s been eight months since the break up and I’m stronger than ever before. I do things for myself again, things that make me happy. I don’t look for anyone’s approval.

            There is a crush here and there, but I figure if I’m happy I don’t need someone else to make me happy. It’s been a rough time, but my tears have dried and my heart has healed enough. I function well enough to be able to sit across from Keiryan, on this day, to celebrate Charlotte’s birthday. She appreciates it more than anything because she thinks I’m still having a hard time. I’ll let her continue thinking that, and the other’s, because it keeps guys off my back and friends don’t push me.

            If I’ve learned anything these past few months is if you get a boyfriend, don’t make him your everything because he’ll leave and you’ll feel like you’ve lost everything. I know that Kieryan still ‘loves’ me, but I also know I’m better off without him. I can stand up straight, hold my head up high, be with my friends and most importantly I can see that I’m stronger than I thought I was. I don’t need a guy to make me strong, I don’t need someone to stand up for me or be with me all the time. What I need is to feel close to someone, or in my case, a group of people. Swim team fits perfectly into what I need and I can’t thank them enough for that, they  don’t know how I was before but they made a huge difference in my life.

            Even though sports have ended my coaches still lets me talk to them about my problems. Everyone on field hockey is like a family maybe not as close or as easy to get along with as swim but they are another family. When I leave high school, I’ll miss them as well. They have helped me learn to be on my own and let me see that people do care about me. They’ll be an amazing group of people as the years go on, but I can’t thank them enough for the little things that made me feel like I was accepted on the team.

            This may not be the big change you were hoping for but to me it’s huge. No tears come when I think of Kieryan with other girls. I can have conversations with my friends and not feel bad. I’m no longer pressured to be one hundred percent all the time. I gave my heart to him, of course, but if it was meant to be he’d come back. I loved him so I set him free, he didn’t come back so he was never mine in the first place. It’s time to move on, and get along with my life. David put it the best, “A new guy helps you forget the old.” I know now that that’s true, and I found a guy to fill my think space up with. I don’t feel guilty about it either. When I first tried it, I felt like I was cheating, but I can’t cheat on someone who doesn’t want me.

          

            I have a new guy now, Will, he’s not my everything, he is simply my best friend. He knows about my past and treats me better than Kieryan ever did. He loves holding my hand, hugging me and acting like a kid with me. I’ll be gone his senior year but he says if he would like to try to make the distance work. He insists heavily on it, I know he wants to try and all I can ever ask anyone to do is try.

             I met Will on through other friends this year. My friends used to joke and make fun of me when I told them I liked him. Now they tell me they’re jealous. We haven’t had our first kiss yet, but it’s fine with us. Will is trying to protect me from getting hurt like before, even though I tell him I’m ok.

            He supports my creative side and my dreams, unlike Kieryan, and he’s proud to tell everyone that I’m his girlfriend. His friends like me well enough but I make sure they hang out alone together. Will didn’t need to make time for me because we walk home together, but he still did. I don’t feel special on one day of the month anymore, I feel special every day. He’ll kiss me on my forehead as hello and good bye, even after three months it still makes me blush. He got to know Charlotte, David and Kieryan, he doesn’t connect with any of them but he’s won over Charlotte and she’s they only other person I care about.

            It’s hard moving on, but once you do, you remember that love is a wonderful thing and not everyone will treat you the same. Don’t let one person ruin your view on love, because you’ll miss so many chances with others that will make you happier. Everyone moves on differently, but know that you don’t have to force it. Let it come naturally otherwise it will take longer than it needs to be. Find someone that makes you blush and smile like Will does for me, remember there’s someone for everyone. You’ll always have to kiss a few frogs before finding your prince, just give it some time and be pacient.