Diary of Me

Dear him;

Having you there with me never felt more safe. The feeling of having someone to kiss at any given moment is more than you might think. It's a comforting feeling, really. And that's all I need. Comfort.

I remember so vividly the night you left. I was informed through the light of a text, words so simple. Although I knew it was happening I tried so desperately to deny it. Of course you weren't leaving, right?

"I think we should break up."

A six-worded six-syllable sentence should never be so traumatic.

Knowing that they know you-all of you. Your likes, dislikes, hobbies, and habits and they don't like it. Hell, they just don't want it.

My heart dropped in a cliché feeling down to my stomach. No one truly understands, and they never will.

Have you ever thought about how powerful emotions are? I know I had never until that night. Once the emotional pain is physically felt in your body you can tell just how much you loved them.

And how much they don't love you.

Tears sprung from my eyes and my body convulsed and shook. I swear on anything I felt my heart break.

You were the one who broke it.

You were the one who broke me.

It's not any ordinary wound either. The scar is so sensitive-so delicate-that any sort of contact will cause the exact same pain as when it happened.

I let you in, and maybe it was a mistake. But see, the thing about girls is we aren't stupid. All of us realize that the hurt is inevitable, no matter what. But the thought of love, and happiness... it almost seems worth it.

The 3 months after were torture. Hearing rumors of you leaving in order to have someone else, someone who, in your eyes at least, is better. No matter how many times people told me i'm better than her, and deserved better than you it was engraved in my brain.

I'm not good enough.

It could be true that I was better than her and definitely deserved better but considering that only your opinion mattered to me I had no other choice than to believe that she was better, and I couldn't do better. For some reason, whatever that influencing reason may be, you liked your life better without me in it.

It was hard seeing you everyday. In the halls at school, and the two classes we had together. It was tough. And it just hurt. I was forced to see you going about perfectly fine and unharmed while inside I was still dying.

I convinced myself I moved on, and convinced everyone else the same.

"He'll come back." my sister would say, "They always do."

And she was right. Goddammit she was right.

Unfollowing you, deleting you, deleting your number and erased all of our snapshotted memories. At least they were physically gone, that too was etched in my mind so when a familiar number texted me at 12:36 am on a Friday telling me that you missed me I fell apart. Sure, I was happy. Very happy, and I couldn't stop myself from telling you I felt the same way. But I knew it was a bad idea. It never stopped me though, why would it?

I'm a young, stupid, hopeless romantic, teenage girl who fell in love and couldn't pull herself up from it.

When I was told you were going to ask me to homecoming I was excited, I can honestly say that. Then you decided to change your mind. Why? I'm not sure I'll ever figure it out. But talking to you everyday made me miss you more. It reminded me of everything. Every little detail. when you brought up the time I fell asleep on your chest, or told me about the little things I do. How I hate when you pop your knuckles, or ask if I still don't like a specific food. When you would bring up our old inside jokes it just... it reminded me of you and what I was missing. And now I'm happy.