One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 14 - Finn

WTF? Seriously what just fucking happened?

She left me.

Surprise, surprise! Me alone.

How did we go from being together, hand in hand, in our own little world, surrounded by tunes to this?

I don't understand why Rae just took off. I don't understand why she won't stay when I ask. I don't understand why she can't accept that I feel something for her.

I fucking hate myself right now. I hate how I can't tell Rae why I feel the way I do. I have pushed down the way I feel for so long, I have no idea how to explain these feelings to someone else, when they are so very foreign to me. I thought my kiss would tell her everything, because when she kisses me I know. I know she likes me. I like that she wants to be with me. I know she is in the moment with me, and isn't running away. Why doesn't Rae feel the same way? Why can't she feel what I am trying to tell her without words. In the only way I have, because I have no idea how to explain how I feel.

I sit on the bench in the park. My head in my hands. I am alone.

How did I fuck this up so badly?

I begged her to stay, she did.

I kissed her, she kissed me back, and whimpered when I pulled away.

I held her hand, she held mine back.

I played her music, she teased me.

I told her the truth, she is beautiful, she believed me. Or did she.

I told her I wanted her...

I told her I didn't want her to have regrets.

I touched her, she. Fuck! I get up and race in the direction that Rae went in as my mind races. She didn't want me touching her. I am in horror as I recall how she tensed up against me. Fuck I am a selfish sod, WTF was I thinking. I thought about me. She felt so good.

FUCK Finn, you fucked up big time!

I need to find Rae.

When I realise where I am going I also realise I have no idea where I am running to. I have no idea where Rae lives. I turn and run back to my house, Chloe will need to tell me where Rae lives. There is zero chance that I am letting Rae run from me.

I am back at my house in a couple of minutes, and I bolt inside, I frantically look for Chloe, finally find her on the sitting room couch with some guy kissing him. I drag her off him. She is pissed off, but less pissed off than the guy who she was kissing.

"Chlo, give me Rae's address?" I demand.

"Finn, what happened? Where did Rae go?" she asks.

"Chloe, please I need to go and see Rae" I state.

"Finn, if you have upset her, you know she won't let you in, don't you?" Chloe states.

"Chloe!" I exclaim "Please".

Chloe's new found love interest is draped over her kissing her neck. I make a mental note to thank this guy, as he has successfully distracted Chloe and she tells me Rae's address so she can get back to what she was doing before I interrupted her. I also make a mental note that Chloe didn't really give a shit about Rae.

I find Chop before I leave and tell him to look after the house.

I bolt out the door and to Rae's. All this time and I had no idea that she lived so close to me. Before I know it I am at Rae's door. I can see the light is on inside. I pause to catch my breathe. I knock on the door "Rae, comeon open up!" I say.

No answer.

I knock again "Rae, please" I say.

No answer.

I step back from the front door, and realise that the light is on upstairs. Maybe she can't hear me. I assess the building, and realise that I can make my way up there. I make my move climbing onto the roof that leads to the room upstairs with the light on. As I make my way up there, I can hear Oasis. I move towards the window and knock "Rae, please" I say. I can hear movement and suddenly the curtains open.

Rae is standing in the window wearing Care Bears pj's, which make me instantly smile.

"Rae open up, I would like to talk to you" I ask.

Rae shakes her head, and I say "Rae, we need to talk. At the very least I need to talk and you need to listen. I need you to actually hear me though."

Lucky for me, Rae changes her mind, she moves to the window and opens it. I eagerly move to the opening, she is going to let me in. Seriously Finn, don't fuck this up, I tell myself.

After opening the window Rae steps back. I climb inside. I am on sensory overload, posters everywhere, music playing, but mostly because I am in Rae Earl's bedroom.

"Finn, why are you here?" Rae asks looking at me with fear in her sad eyes, her arms crossed her chest

"I couldn't let you just walk away Rae, I know you don't believe me, and to be honest, I don't care that you don't believe me. I want to tell you some things, if I can find the words. If after I do, and you want me to leave you alone then I will try to leave you alone. I can't promise, but I will try and respect that you don't want me to bother you" I say.

Rae nods and she sits down on the floor next to her bed. Just like when we were in the library I am so very nervous about sitting next to Rae, but I am even more nervous that I won't be able to adequately explain myself. It feels like this is my last shot. I sit down next to Rae and when I am settled I look up to Rae and nervously smile.

"Rae, I am not sure I can explain this properly, but I am going to try. I find it hard to talk. I need you to understand some things about me" I take a couple of deep breathes and I continue "I don't know, ummm. I haven't been me in years" I start. Rae looks confused. I pause taking another deep breathe. "I am a sham Rae, everyone thinks they know me, but they don't" I start.

"I have been numb for so long, I haven't felt anything in years. I've been hurt" tears start to roll down my cheeks "I have been so hurt Rae" she reaches out to me and holds me she whispers "It's ok Finn, you don't have to tell me". I close my eyes, and I feel safe within her arms and like she may just listen to me as I fumble through this explanation.

Rae pulls back from me, and looks me in the eye "Finn" she begins, and then she suddenly leans in and she presses her lips against mine. I pull away "Rae, please don't kiss me because you feel sorry for me" I say.

She smiles shyly and says "I am kissing you because I want to" and with that she kisses me again. I pull away.

"Rae, I am sorry, but I can't have you kiss me and still think that this is all some sort of joke" I pause "you think that I can't be trusted. Until you trust me I can't be close to you no matter how much I want to. It hurts too much when you run" I continue.

"Finn" she says and tries to kiss me again and I move away. "Rae, I mean it" I state.

She gets up from the floor and moves away, I can see a tear or two. I want to hold her, I want to be near her. "Rae, I want to be close to you, you are seriously the only person that I ever want to talk to, but, everything you do says you don't trust me" I state.

"You scare me Finn" she said softly.

"I what?" I ask.

"You scare me Finn" she repeats.

I step toward her, and I wrap my arms around her. I take in the smell of her hair, and I feel calm. I whisper "Rae, maybe we just need to try because I can't bare to see you cry, or to know that you are scared of me, any more than I can bare the thought of not being close to you."

I pull back and look Rae in the eye "Rae, can we try?" I ask looking into her eyes searching for a response.

She nods and then presses her lips against mine and I am lost.

I am lost in her kiss.

Lost in her.

Lost in possibilities.