Your Social Media| d.h

F i v e

You look the same. Your head is bent over your phone as you sit on the couch we used to sit on, in a dark corner of Starbucks. The old, cracked leather creases under your weight. You look the same, but the circles under your eyes are darker and your freckles are lighter.

I don't want to be here. I want to leave you alone and act as if I never saw you, as if I never met you, as if I never broke your heart. Too late. Your eyes flick upwards and spot me, hiding in the queue. Your mouth opens in a little 'o' of surprise and I can't read the expression on your face. Your gaze burns into mine and you look like you're searching for something you've lost. Drink in hand, I sit opposite you. You enquire about how I've been, swapping meaningless empty questions and answers that make us seem like strangers.

Perhaps we are strangers now.

My gaze flickers to the wall, to my cup, to my bag, to my phone, to the sofa, to the floor, anywhere away from you. Whenever I glance at you, your gaze burns into me. To me, it seems as if it's burning brighter and brighter, and soon I will burn out. 

You say we should do this again, I agree and flash an empty smile. I have perfected empty smiles. I think anyone who has experienced loss has. A fake flash of joy lights up their face, reaching the nose and dying back down, never quite reaching their eyes. Dimly, I register you getting up and standing in that way of yours, shoulders slightly hunched against everyone else. It's a sliver of your secret insecurities. It's your way of blending in and avoiding detection from the harsh eyes of society. 

Mine is drinking too much and going home with strangers.

I wave goodbye and make my way down the frozen London streets, winding through tourists and Londoners alike. I don't cry. My hands and my heart are numb. Perhaps it's because of the biting wind that reddens my cheeks and makes my eyes water. Perhaps it's you, your hair and your eyes and your smile and your words and your dimples and your clothes. I'm blaming the latter.