50 Shades of Gay

Dear whoever..

Honestly, I think I was always into girls. It all started off when I was 5 years old and in kindergarten. I didn't have many friends, I was always quiet, and I didn't see anything in any of the boys that were in my class. The only guy I thought was cute or whatever was Jesse McCartney when his Beautiful Soul music video came out. Then one day, a new girl came into class. She was a sweetheart! I remember she was my only friend for a while. We shared everything and did everything together. She was my best friend and I remember I had the biggest crush on her. And everytime my mom, my sister, or anyone even made a joke about me liking a boy I would laugh, but in reality I felt like I was gonna puke. My mom and most of the women in my family are also into other girls and have dated other girls. Maybe it runs in the family or something lol. I just know I didn't have an actual crush on a guy until I was about 13. I don't like being labeled. I used to think I was bi, a lesbian, pansexual, and a bunch of other shit. At one point I even asked myself, "What if i'm a boy?".  People would always ask me if I was boy or a girl. So, I was like, What the fuck? Am I a boy? Like I know I have a vagina, but that doesn't mean shit! That was the year I shaved my head and wore a snapback and the same hoodie about every day of my life. In 6th grade (my boy years) I was 11 going on 12 and I made some friends (like 3). There was this girl. She played guitar, she had the most beautiful pair of blue eyes and blonde hair I have ever seen, and she didn't take any shit. It was the first time I thought I actually loved someone other than my family. This is the same person that beat up another girl for bullying me about the way I looked... and she was the first person I ever called my girlfriend. We were together for about a week. It would've went on longer but we were so young and we had moved to different towns. We stopped contacting eachother for a while and then one day a few years later I found her on facebook and we started talking again. Oh my god, it was like nothing had ever changed and it felt like I was falling for her all over again.. We don't talk anymore now, shit happens, people change. I'm only human. And, I can't change... even if I tried. I know i'll always have love for her though. Right now, i'm 16 and i've been through a lot in my life. I have a boyfriend, he's my best friend, and I absolutely love him. Right now the pronouns she and her feel good to me, but that could change at any moment. I'm still very much into girls and I have had a few boyfriends and I have done "things" with them. I accept and respect everyone and I have such a wide circle. I don't go by a sexuality and you can call me anything you want, besides "it" or "that". My lover and my family accept me for exactly who I am and I couldn't be more grateful. That's all that matters. I'm just me.

Love on ya,
-A

#Justwriteit #lgbtq