I Promise

Chapter 11

Power underneath my foot feels good, and pushing the petal harder feels even better. All I want to do is speed, taking the winding road at a pace of eighty. I want to crash into the tree fifty yards from the road. I want a limb to pierce through my chest, all the way through my heart, severing it. I want to fucking die. This is exactly why I never get attached to anyone.

I swiftly pull into the school parking lot, avoiding cars and pulling right up to the field. I don't bother turning the car off, because I'm not staying long.

"Fetcher, where's your uniform?" Coach barks, taking in my jeans and white shirt. I ignore him and make my way towards Spencer in the middle of the field. He takes his helmet off, not a wise choice, and gawks at me.

"Hey man, why are you late? What's going on?" My only response is my fist connecting with his face. I can feel the crunch of his nose beneath my knuckles, and it doesn't take long for the blood to start spilling thick and hot.

"What the fuck Reese?"

"Don't ever talk to Kay again. She doesn't associate with pieces of shit like you." The words are thick with anger, and I want so badly to hit him again. I want to break another bone, but I know when to stop. As much as I want him to be, he isn't worth it.

"Fetcher get the hell off my field!" Coach calls, hurrying over to Spencer. I push past the rest of the team and make my way back to my car. I know I'm probably suspended from the team, or kicked off, but I could care less. Hitting Spencer felt good, and he definitely got what was coming to him. I can't believe I ever called him a friend.

I punch the excelerator and speed out of the parking lot. I need to clear my head. I have no idea what to do from here. It's obvious Spencer has been cozying up to Kay while I've been absent from her life. As much as I want back in it, I'm not sure if that's what she wants, or if that's even what I deserve. She needed someone, and I wasn't there.

I drive around in circles for an hour, exploring the entire city twice. At four I stop at a coffee shop on the corner of some shopping strip. I step inside and walk up to the counter.

"Black coffee with a double shot of expresso and a tuna salad sandwich." I say to the girl behind the counter. She punches in the order and takes my money without a word. I guess she can tell I'm not really in the mood for conversation. After a few minutes I take my dinner and make my way to a table in the corner by the window.

I don't know how we got here, Kay and I. Everything was going so great, and I had finally found someone worth sharing my secrets with. Now, I've screwed it all up, worse than I usually do. I'm not sure how to make it right again, or how to insert myself back into her life, a life I probably don't belong in. Why can't shit be easy like in movies? Why can't I just walk up to her hospital room with a bundle of flowers and say I'm sorry?

I put down my half eaten sandwich. I guess the solution wasn't as hard as I thought. Looking across the street, I notice a flower shop. Looking at my watch, I decide there is still an hour before they close. I finish my coffee and sandwich quickly and then decide to head across the street.

The bell on the door rings as I open it, and an old woman behind the counter smiles at me.

"How can I help you?"

"Do you have any sunflowers?" I ask, running my hands through my hair. I don't know why I'm so nervous, but the thought of spilling my feelings makes me want to vomit. I'm not the relationship type.

The old woman walks out from behind the counter and towards a basket full of sunflowers in the corner. She picks up a dozen and brings them back to the counter.

"A vase or ribbon?" She asks. I rub my hands together and rethink my plan. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Nothing can make up for what I have done. I'm wasting my time.

"Who is she?" The woman asks, folding her hands on the counter.

I look up at her and notice the warmth in her eyes. "Someone really special," I whisper, suddenly afraid of the words.

"She deserves a vase," the woman replies matter-of-factly. She picks a tall, clear vase from the shelf behind her and sets it on the counter. She cuts the stem of the flowers and places them in the vase before filling it with water. She grabs some ribbon from underneath the counter.

"Green is her favorite," I say, and I don't know how I know that, or why I care what color she picks. The woman smiles and ties a green ribbon along with one brown and one yellow ribbon around the neck of the vase. Next, she hands me a small card.

"Tell her," She whispers. I realize that she knows, without me even explaining. She knows what I have done and that I need to fix it.

  I nod my head and stare down at the small card. She hands me a pen and I hold it for what seems like forever before the words come to me. I know what I have to do.

Dear Kay,

I'm sorry I haven't been there for you when you needed me most. You will never understand how much guilt I feel because of that. As much as I don't want to, I have to let you go. Nothing I do will ever make up for this moment, but know that I love you too much to watch you suffer. It's better if I let go now rather than when it is too late. I'm breaking a promise that I guess I never really intended to keep. I love you.

Love,
Reese