Mask- a Supernatural fanfiction

Chapter 21: Why Am I Such An Idiot?

DEAN POV

            I could've sworn my damned heart was ripped out of my fucking chest. Catherine ripped it out with her perfect, small, soft hands. All in one movement. I could see in her eyes she felt depressed and alone. I knew that damned look. I've seen it many times in the fucking mirror. But that was before she appeared into my fucked up life. That was before she made me happy with just her presence. She was so damn pure, but I was a damned corrupted bastard. And I fucking broke her.

            Way to go, you dumbass-motherfucking-asshole.

            Why is it that I always have to fuck up the good things in my life?

            She made me happy, but I only broke her.

Son of a bitch.

She stood there, in front of me, with her small hand keeping me away from her. I wanted so fucking bad to take her hand and kiss it. I wanted to tell her how I was a fucking dumbass for doing that to her. I wanted to wipe away the tears that were forming in her eyes. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to tell her that it disgusted me to have that Theresa on my lap in the bar. I wanted to tell her that she didn't even compare to her. I wanted to kiss the shit out of her bright pink lips. I wanted to stop her bottom lip from trembling. I wanted to hold her in my arms, so I could smell the vanilla that radiated off her. I wanted to drown myself in her scent. I wanted to touch her soft skin again, just to feel the fire burn. I wanted to see that beautiful fucking smile overcome her face. I wanted to hear her beautiful laugh, and I wanted to feel the warmness it would bring to my cold heart. I wanted to tell her how I really felt about her. I would scream it to the entire fucking world. I would make a sign and strap it to my damn neck and walk around the entire world declaring that I loved her with a damn microphone.

I do. I love her. She makes me happy as a fucking toddler with a tricycle. She makes me want to actually wake up in the morning and live my goddamned life. My fucked up, violent, depressing, threatening life. All for her. Fuck. She's got me by the throat. My damned throat. She's gripping it tight with her small, soft, pure hands. I can't fucking breathe. But I don't want her to let go. 

I warned her, didn't I? I told her something like this would happen. But she was stubborn. She wanted to do it. And I didn't protest. I wanted her. Fuck, I wanted her. I knew I would break her. But I hid the truth behind a damn mask. I put on that cliché metaphorical mask and hoped that it wouldn't come true. I guess that's what I fucking do. I let down the people I love. I let down Catherine. I let down Sammy many times before. I let down Cas. I let down my mom. I let down my dad. I let down everyone. And I will never forgive myself.

I deserved this: to feel heartbroken, to feel like a dumbass. I deserved this. I fucking did this to myself. I did this to Catherine, to Sammy, to Cas. I did this.

I couldn't help the tear that came from my eye. I didn't stop it. I deserved this pain. But she didn't. She deserved to be happy. She deserved to be fucking far as fuck away from me. Away from the person that could destroy her. She deserved that.

But I wouldn't let her leave. I'm too much of a fucking selfish bastard to let her.

Her head was down when she spoke, but I knew exactly what her face looked like. And it fucking killed me to see her like that. I knew she had tears piling up in her beautiful eyes. I can see exactly how her eyes looked without looking at her. The green in them glowed like a goddamn glow stick in the darkest part of the world. It was like her tears were cleaning her sight, so somehow she could see me as I really am: bad for her.

"Please..." she pleaded as she kept her head down and her voice low and quiet, "I- I just need to be alone right now."

Hell no, I wasn't going to leave her alone. Fuck no. Her brother and her crazy ex boyfriend were both after her. The last time I let her out of my sight, I almost lost her. I wasn't going to let her out of my sight again. Ever. I didn't care if I had to go James Bond on her and follow her around everywhere. I wasn't going to let her out of my sight.

I knew she didn't want me to touch her. I knew that she didn't want me to be anywhere near her. But I couldn't help but reach for her.

She did what I expected she would do: she stepped away from me. Even when I predicted it, it still hurt like hell.

I wanted to take her in my arms. I wanted to hold her forever. But I forced myself to stay away from her. She wanted to be alone. The least thing I could do was keep my distance. I definitely wasn't going to keep my eyes off her. Oh, I was going to watch her like a fucking hawk that had nothing better to do. I was going to soar over her, without her knowing.

I kept my voice low and easy because I felt like I was already walking on thin ice right now. "Baby, you know we can't do that." I saw her take in a breath as I said "Baby".

She took another breath and finally lifted her head to me. I saw her eyes: bright green with red around the edges. Her eyes looked weak and she looked tired. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She looked at me, with a soft glare. It broke my damned heart to see her like this.

"I know," she breathed, "I-I..." she hesitated but I knew exactly what she was going to say. And I knew damn well she wasn't going to say it.

"You just can't be around me," I finished for her as I put my head down. I heard her breathe out and I knew I was right. I closed my eyes as I took a breath. This is what she wanted. I didn't want to fucking do it, but I was the one who fucked up.

I lifted my head to see her watching me. She had pity in her eyes. Even when I was the one who did wrong, she fucking had pity in her eyes for me. Fuck, she was perfect.

"Even though it'll fucking eat me alive to stay away from you, I'll do it," I told her and surprise painted her face. Yeah, that's right Catherine. I'll do it for you, you beautiful fucking soul, you. I ignored the pain that shot through my chest as I physically restrained myself from pulling her towards me and not letting go. I turned away from her, the action taking every cell in my body to do, and took the biggest fucking breath I have ever taken. It didn't loosen me up though. It only made me want to turn back around and grab her face in my hands and kiss the shit out of her.

No, Dean. Dammit. Space. That is the opposite of space.

Just one kiss wouldn't hurt.

No, dumbass. Space. She wants space. Space involves no kissing.

Fuck, I need help with this evil thing called "space".

Sam. Sammy will tell me. He knew about this dating-shit.

I looked over to my little brother. He was watching me. He looked proud: proud of my decision to give her space.

Fuck you, Sammy. This is the hardest shit in the world.

The little bitch had a fucking grin on his face. I wanted to walk right over to him and punch the grin right off his face, but that would only make the situation worse. So instead I ran my hand through my hair.

"Thank you," I heard Catherine mutter behind me.

I turned around. She looked relieved. She looked thankful. She looked beautiful.

Damn this was going to be a rough night.

"I'll only do it if someone is always with you," I started my terms, "Either Cas or Sam. They are never to leave your side, and you are not to leave theirs. Or I'll handcuff myself to you as punishment," I lightened up as I laid out my terms. Her face lightened a little, and I couldn't help but smile. Please, break the rules.

"Deal?" I asked her, urging for another smile.

I was granted with one, as she replied, "Deal."

I nodded my head. Okay, don't screw this up, Dean. This could be how you can gain her trust back.

If only you didn't lose it in the first place.

Fuck.