To Dey, my best friend:
Hi there. Before I say anything else, I'd like to paint you a picture of where I am at this very moment. I'm laying in bed with your computer on my lap. Hold on, it's now on the bed beside me because I just remembered that you scold me whenever you see me doing that, saying it's bad for my (our?) future babies. Okay, now that the little ones are safe, let me continue (Did I really just call my eggs 'the little ones'? I'm so happy my being weird didn't scare you off the first time we met. Little did I know it's because you are, too. Ha-ha.)
Back to the picture I was painting. Our bedroom itself is pretty small, but we got the apartment at a reasonable price right in the heart of the city. The bed dominates the room, and is the only furniture in our place that is impeccably white. You said you liked it that way; it makes you feel like you're sleeping on a cloud. I really didn't mind, since you basically let me design everything else here. This space is our home, my masterpiece, your sanctuary – I couldn't ask for anything better.
Vance Joy is playing on the turntable right now, which rests on the black wooden table that we placed right next to the wall beneath the window. That's probably your favorite spot in our apartment. You sit there most of the time and just write until most of your thoughts are on paper. Right now, though, you're in the kitchen cooking us dinner. A cold cup of chamomile tea sits on the spot where your journal usually is. Let me tell you this: If at 17 you were someone who makes a cup of tea, sets it aside, and forgets about it for hours, then you're no better at 27. But I love drinking cold tea, so I guess everything works out alright.
Okay, now that you have an idea of where I'm writing this letter from, let me tell you why I'm writing.We had a conversation a couple nights ago. I was going through your old stuff (like I always do when I'm bored) and found your High School yearbook. It was the first time I'd ever seen it. It made me wonder what you were like then, at 16 or 17, and so I asked. You paused for a while, thinking, then smiled. "Nothing like I am now, thank God," you answered. I knew at that moment that I may have unwittingly forced you to remember unpleasant memories, and so I put on Ed Sheeran (yes, you still love him), dragged you to bed, and told you to tell me everything you wanted to get off your chest.
The things I heard... I think I was cradling you the whole time, which made things a bit awkward, but I didn't care. You said I was being melodramatic. I just hugged you tighter.
I'm writing this letter for the 17-year-old you, no matter how absurd that may sound. I know how hard things seemed to be for you at that age. You told me how you felt towards yourself back then, and although a lot of teenagers had shared your sentiments, it didn't make things any less difficult. You were at that stage where if you can doubt or question something, you did. You were questioning your sexuality, your intellect, your worth - everything. Nothing seemed to be stable or reliable. It was a relentless hurricane of confusion that came to make a mess of your mind every time you were alone in your room, which was most Saturdays.
It was not an easy situation to handle, but it eventually passed.
If only you knew back then how you'll be spending your Saturdays at age 27. Instead of eating sweets and watching Youtube videos all day, trying to avoid your thoughts, you're now dividing your time between different schools, reaching out to kids who loved your book and would like to share their stories with you. (Oh yeah, you published your third autobiographic novel a few months ago. How cool is that?! They wanted you to do an international book tour, but you chose to do this, which I think is much more thoughtful.)
You're changing people's lives, Dey. You're helping them at an age that still allows them to turn things around. With every child that you speak with, you're fighting more demons that used to plague you, saving people the way you saved yourself.
As a freshman in college, you were also questioning whether or not you chose the right degree program. Whatever it was, it's the right decision. It lead you to the life you have now.You told me that you've always felt different, out of sync from most people. As a teenager, you sometimes felt misunderstood, even unappreciated. That may not have been entirely true. Even if it was, why did you give a damn about those who were never grateful for the effort that you put into your relationships? Why did you focus all your attention on people who were not only incompatible with you, but were also too impatient to understand you? But I know that you still had good people in your life. I hope you took a moment to acknowledge who they were.
The world isn't just the people you knew at 17. There are already nearly 10 billion people in this planet. I'm not saying you know all of them now, but the people you do know and love are so fucking precious to you that you can't even talk about them without simultaneously smiling and shedding a tear. They're the type of people you've always wanted to have in your life, the type that appreciates both your extroverted tendencies and your introverted personality. Most importantly, they're the type that understands you. Even when they don't, they always try to.
You were worried a lot about your family. It's a long story, and things really were difficult to deal with. But I want you to know that you guys have managed to built a beautiful house. That's where your parents are staying right now, when they're not out of the country. We visit them almost every Sunday. Everyone's fine.
Even the others are fine, and they don't bother you anymore. Everything is finally calm.
I guess you're wondering who I am. Well, I don't want to spoil anything, so all I can say right now is that we're very happy. Look at your ring finger, the one on your left hand. Yeah, you guessed it, I'm wearing exactly the same ring as I type. Remember that you started wearing it with the promise that you'll only take it off when you finally feel whole again.
Well, from what I see and hear every day, you are. You are here with me because you fought through everything. The bravest thing you ever did was to see things through, and be there until the end. And now I wear that ring with a different promise, one that binds us together for as long as time allows us. I'm going to wrap up this letter now because you're calling for me already (dinner smells amazing!) and because I feel like I've said everything I wanted to say.
I know you're anxious to meet me, and to be done with all the chaos that is now in your life. I am too, but until then, I'll be waiting patiently, as you will be. As you should be.
Just hang on, my love.
Sincerely,
Your best friend
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