Sixth grade was good, not great, but good. It would have been better if I didn't have all of this bullshit elementary school drama. It would have been better if I would have distanced myself from two girls Edith and Jennifer. They were the reasons I hated school.
No, I wasn't bullied. They were just fake bitches who thought they were better than the rest of the girls in sixth grade. They thought that wearing makeup and hooped earrings and looking like sluts would get them somewhere. In all honesty, they looked like hookers. Well, Edith did. She wore shorts that didn't cover her ass. She wore pencil skirts that were loose on her. Like eww, go somewhere with that.
In the beginning of sixth grade, I was happy and I didn't cut. I had good grades and I had an awesome teacher. I had a best friend and her name was Marizza. I was still friends with some of the girls from fifth grade but not all of them.
Jennifer and Edith were okay to hang out with but not to have as close friends. They were... fake, to say the least. We started off really well. We would hang out at the park and we would just, chill. Then one day. Jennifer decides to say:
"You are fat and should do something about it."
I found it funny for her to be saying that because, she was fatter than I was. She had monstrous sized legs and had a really round stomach and really thick arms, she was flat chested and was just flat all around. Where as I had an actual shape to my body. I had boobs and I had a butt I had normal sized thighs and although I had fat on me, it was not as bad as hers.
Even though I knew she was fatter than I was, it hurt me and my self esteem.
From my self esteem being at a solid 10, it went down to a 0.
It hurt me because I felt strong. As if nothing in the world could hurt me. But then, someone had to put me down, once again and tell me I'm fat.
The day that happened, I didn't talk to anyone. This was the first time I used my now famous, "I'm fine." lie.
I went home at the end of the day and looked for my blade I literally turned my room upside down looking for it. Then, I found it. It was still in my Junie B. Jones book. I never bothered to clean it because I felt like I deserved to get an infection in my blood and do everyone a favor and die.
I put on some shorts.
Put the blade to my skin.
Pressed down and pushed across my thigh.
This was the first time that I put a word on my thigh with my blade.
To this day, I still have it.
The word is;
"Fat"
I don't ever regret anything I do because at one time, it was exactly what I wanted. When I was 12, I wanted to put that word on my skin because at that time it was exactly what I wanted and exactly what I felt.
This happened just about 2 - 3 weeks before the end of sixth grade.
For those weeks, I just kept cutting.
Some were deep, others not.
I didn't keep a close relationship with my friends.
I shut everyone out.
I didn't do it our of remorse but out of the guilt and vulnerability that I felt.
I felt guilty because people in the world are dying and they actually want to live, where as I am not dying and don't want to live. Still, today, I wish I could trade places with them.
I felt vulnerable because I was showing weakness. I was showing everyone that words do hurt me and that by calling me a silly name I would go off and be quiet and not act like myself.
By the end of sixth grade, I felt happy to be getting out of school and happy that I would have 2 months to do whatever I pleased. The only thought I had on the last day of school was;
"Let me get away from these ignorant fucks."
When the bell rang, my teacher was giving us a fucking speech on how much she loved our class and how much she would miss all of us. In my head I was saying;
"No one cares. I cant wait to leave all of these shits. School sucks. Wheres my blade? I wonder how much time I have before I get an infection."
When I heard the first bell, I grabbed my backpack and ran out. I wanted to get away from those shit faced peasants.
For the first week of summer, I didn't eat.
But then, I started getting really bad headaches so I ate and it took the pain away.
I realized that no one should control how I think of myself because I am the fucking QUEEN and no one is going to take away my throne.
I promised myself on thing for seventh grade and it was; Don't let anyone's words hurt you. You are perfect.
