blue | a collection of tronnor oneshots

therapy

"I wanted to be prettier, but not the intimidating kind."

It's Troye sitting in a room, his face blank as he explains his thoughts to his therapist.

"Explain."

"The silent kind. Blushy blushy indie movie, I make you feel whole and give you old records that make you more of a person. I wanted to be the supporting role in someones drama film."

It's three in the afternoon, exactly six days after Connor broke his heart and two days since he asked for him back.

"Sometimes I think being sad is worse than being depressed, because when you're depressed you have something to blame. When my hands are cold I don't put on gloves because I like the burn, I like feeling pain and knowing the cause because most of the time I don't get that luxury."

"And why not?"

"Because a lot of the time I feel like my brain and I are two different people, me the younger brother and my brain the demanding sister. She does whatever she wants without reasoning and blames it on what everyone around me calls "being mature for my age". Which is also probably why I can't sleep at night. She's always reminding of what it means to be ahead of the game as my parents used to say."

His hands are folded neatly in his lap as he eyes wonder around the room, his back aching from being sat up straight on the sofa but his body won't do anything else.

"My back hurts but I can't fix the problem and it's because when I was in seventh grade my choir teacher wouldn't let us slouch and if we did we got detention. She broke my bones to the sound of obedience and made me realize that no person is unbreakable."

"That's what she wants you to believe Troye, you can over come that."

"When you say overcome do you mean get over it or do you mean block it out until it's a forgotten memory? Because if it's the second one then I guess all my friends have just overcome me."

"I'm sure you have one friend right?" Troye laughs.

"Oh sure I do! Her names Alex and she's my heart and soul. Quite literally! At night when I'm trying to sleep and my sister keeps reminding me to be mature Alex crawls up my throat to my ears and whispers to me that I don't have to conform to what sister wants me to be. Only I've realized over time that my mind is more persistent than my heart because one of the things my mother forgot to teach me is how to follow it. She also forgot to teach me that when a man tells me to sit and listen that I don't have to sit and listen which is probably why I didn't call the cops when my first boyfriend hit me."

"That's horrible, I'm sorry you had to deal with that."

"It's alright, it doesn't bother me much anymore. I've played my own story so many times that it's become a broken vcr tape with no film. My sister has played so many tricks on me I can't tell if it's even my story anymore and I'm an only child."

You'd think by now he'd be crying, his words all broken, but he spills the sentences like a rehearsed script written on his hand in smudged ink.

"Let's talk about Connor. Are you gonna take him back?"

"Of course."

"Why so certain?"

"Because being unforgiving is another task I didn't learn, saying no is a lonely cobble stone street, it's a bird with no wings being beaten for not flying away, it's laying in bed at 3 am listening to the sound of all the fun you aren't having because as much as you want to, you don't and the house is completely quiet."

"Well, seems like we have a lot of work to do here Troye."

"I hope by work you mean house chores and not fixing my mental stability because if you prod to much and wake my sister before I'm safely tucked in bed suicide might become my new best friend. Not sure how Alex would feel about that."

"Would you prefer to be laying down?"

"No I'm scared to lay down in front of anyone because it makes me vulnerable. Actually no, I suppose I'm always vulnerable in today's day in age when little boys have grown up being taught to never take no as an answer."

"Troye, I'm not sure it's safe for you to be on your own when you're like this."

"Like what?"

"Well...sick."

"I haven't caught the common cold professor, I have a mental illness. And I've been living with it all my life. Don't worry about me my skin is made of rock and my fingertips hold galaxies and the only one who can break me is myself."

"That's what I'm worried about." Troye laughs again only its bitter as he stands.

"Stop being silly, I've covered all the mirrors in my house so I won't even know I'm there. Bid my shadow don't come out to play. Goodbye sir, our session is over."

"Alright if you insist...see you next Thursday."

"And you as well."

-

my head hurts

question: do you guys find me intimidating?? just curious

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