If I say "ok" during an argument, that means "shut the fuck up" not "keep explaining your point"...
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ok but before u unfollow me we gotta do a duet of 'gotta go my own way' sorry i dont make the rules
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Miley Cyrus - An Emoji Story:
👨👧👶👪🚖✈🌆🎥👩👸👩👸🎤🎸📀📀📀🎤🎬💵🎤🎶🎉🇺🇸💏❤💍🔐🐶📷🐶📷🐶📷🐶📷🐶💔⌛🔓🚬🍸🍻💇👱🎤😜😝😜👙🐻👅🔨⚫🙀
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People: "I love it when my boyfriend tells me he loves me."
Me: "I love it when my microwave tells me my food is ready."
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That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
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I fake smiles like a pro.
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Am I the only one who measures time using songs?
"Oh it only took me 4 songs to get here!"
"That's not too long!""
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I dont care how old you are, if you dont respect me, i'm not respecting you. Point. Blank. Period.
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*When my parents are asleep*
Me: "Shh! they're sleeping..."
*When I'm asleep*
Parents: "Let's vacuum the house for 3 hours"
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Do you ever just rub your eyes so hard that you just start entering some other fucking galaxy of swirls and patterns.
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*showering* Not hot enough. *turns knob 1/16th of an inch* Satan himself pours out of the shower head and licks your back seductively.
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waiter: "what drink would you like"
me: "тнє вℓσσ∂ σƒ му єηємιєѕ"
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter: "is pepsi okay"
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me: hey
in my mind: omfg did i really just send that what if im annoying them they know im ugly they hate me omfg im so embarrassed
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Imagine having a teacher named Alejandro and whenever he calls on you, Just be like: "Don't call my name, Don't call my name, Alejandro."
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I want a job at Starbucks because I'm going to spell everyone's name wrong so they can't instagram their cups.
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Son: Hey dad! I got a girlfriend!
Dad: Nice son, is she hot?
Son: Hell yeah!
Girl: Hey Dad! I got a boyfriend!
Dad: *Loads shotgun*
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If watermelon exists why dont airmelon, firemelon & earthmelon exist?
......the elemelons
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No matter how old you are, when a little kid gives you a Toy Phone and says its for you, You answer that shit.
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Dear Mom and Dad, Plz stop saying, "Don't play with your food." You spent the first two years of my life convincing me that it was a plane.
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"WHO THE FUCK TOOK MY... Oh... Here it is..."
*+*+*
me: is it weird i talk 2 myself so much
me: ya a bit
me: could be worse we could be a killer
me: das true
me: im hungry
me: me too lets eat
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Me being rude: Shut the fuck up.
Me being polite: Please shut the fuck up.
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Me: hi
Friend: hi
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend: lol
Me: what
Friend: nvm
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: 😑🔫
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I don't care how loud I'm laughing, I'm having fun and you're not.
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Me: Hey close the door.
Parent: *leaves door open 2 centimeters*
Me: *dying whale noise*
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When I'm home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer.
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sometimes you just need to lay on the floor
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Things to do today:
1) Get up.
2) Survive.
3) Go back to bed
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Kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are
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Who invented hugs? I mean the first hug would have been sooo awkward. "What are you doing, why are you holding me?!.." "Shhh just trust me"
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English = Hello.
Spanish = Hola.
French = Bonjour.
Japanese = Konnichiwa.
Chinese = Nî Hâo.
Italian = Ciao.
Me = Sup Bitch.
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'You're cute when you're mad.'' ''Yeah well I'm about to get real fucking adorable.''
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(A/N) This is all from twitter. I'm sorry. I never said I was a funny person, did I?
If you don't have twitter, I suggest you get a life.
Follow me! @LifeLoveSarcasm I tweet like twice a month :D
YOU ARE READING
My Unorthodox Opinion - a collection of sarcastic rants about life
Non-Fictionlmao I wrote most of this in like 2013 so I can't be held to account for any of it anymore, I'll probably take it down soon since it's just embarrassing ok thanks
