Panda

The Beginning

I was born in a loving house hold. Although we often move from place to place, I can't say I had a terrible childhood like others. I had food on my table, games and play mates, and loving parents and brother, but although it is selfish to say, I was never satisfied.
I got along with anyone wherever we went, but my heart was always empty. In my heart there exists a vacancy which was never filled, for wherever I went no one saw the real me. To others I was always a sweet angel, someone quite who would always listen, a kind person who's too innocent and naive to know about the world. However, I wasn't any of that, nor was I what my family saw. They who saw a spoiled child who had whatever one could wish for, a hard worker at school but a lazy no good at home, an energetic kid who only liked to play or annoy others, or that weird child who was often found reading instead of socializing with the family, I was not any of that either.
Though what people saw of me did have some truth to it, it really wasn't what I was or am. I have always been lonely for even if everyone I met has always been kind to me, no one really tried to get to know me. Therefore, I tried being what they saw in me , but it only made my void grow. I tried to get along with everyone but everyone just saw me as kind and someone to be nice to but never more, not even when I tried getting into arguments did they try to know me better.
Soon I gave up and settled to be what they saw, but each day I felt lonelier and even more exhausted than the previous day. Each day would be a drag, each morning another monotonous day of being alive. So it wasn't a surprise when I started aiming to be the best academically in order to fill my void with attention of others. It worked for a while as I often heard praises and was constantly surrounded by people, but soon the excitement died down and my success became a given to others. Soon they stopped paying attention to my success, but forced me to continue for now it was expected of me to succeed, and thus as my void was temporarily filled it only ended up emptier than before.
I ended up shunning society and instead surrounded myself with stories wether they came in a book, manga, or anime none of it really mattered to me. All I really cared about was filling my loneliness with stories of adventure, love, and sin those stories of the good and bad of humanity were what got me forward in life.
I stopped caring wether some one could fill my void or not and instead lived as what they saw and only relaxed in the comfort of my mind. People didn't realize how much I knew or who I really was, everyone only ever saw me smile, for I let no one see me cry and only the people living in my house see me mad. They only saw how good my life was, but ignored how cold and lonely I was. They didn't see how I hate who I am, they didn't think of my constant thoughts of death, or did they hear my sobs at night. So I could only take comfort in the words of stories and life of others.
However, even if I constantly sought after death I never had the will to cut myself or go further than thinking of my death. My mind was constantly in turmoil for I hated my life but couldn't find the courage to change it. I hated how my parents constantly looked down on the people I considered friends because they were different from others. Even if they had no idea of who I truly was I considered them friends for they also knew the feeling of hating oneself, but unlike me they were stronger because of it.