One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 21 - Rae

Our bodies entwined, we are both trying to catch our breathe.

My mind is scrambled. Being with Finn was nothing like I had expected. He was meant to run, I was meant to run. It was nowhere near as confronting as I thought it would be. Thank God! Finn has gotten up to arrange a blanket for us and to dispose of the condom. I admire his form, he doesn't appear shy until he turns and looks at me. I smile shyly and I know that I have gone red from head to toe. He is perfect. He is like looking at porn. What the fuck is he doing with me? I ask myself.

After he puts his boxers back on he slides back into bed with me. He makes sure the blanket is covering us and he smiles at me realising that while he was out of the bed I put my tights back on. It was then that I noticed the stain on his sheets. I flush with more embarrassment. "Finn, ummm, I am sorry. I will wash your sheets" I say. "It is ok Rae, it is expected. We can sort it out later" he says. Finn noticed I winced in pain as I settled back on the bed next to him "Did I hurt you? Are you ok?" he asks concerned. I smile "I am alright Finn".

As we lay there, I start to giggle as I am thinking about how we failed to go slow.

"What?" Finn asks looking at me with this signature borrowed brow.

"I was just thinking. I didn't expect this to happen. I was sure we were going to take this slow. We didn't really do a good job at slow did we?" I say as I resume to giggle. Finn smiles at me, but in all reality there is more to his smile. He looks like he is sad or upset, or annoyed. To be honest, I am not sure which one.

"I am so very sorry Rae" he starts.

"Don't be sorry Finn, I wanted you, us to" I interrupt him.

"You sure you are ok?" he asks.

"I am fine, you didn't do anything I didn't want to do" I reassure him. "We both wanted it didn't we?" I ask searching.

"Yes, but it was important to both of us to take it slow" Finn continues "I am such a selfish prick, I needed you to know how much I wanted you, but I really didn't plan that we would have sex tonight. I really didn't, you have to believe me" he explains. "To find you upstairs was such a relief, I needed you to want me Rae." He is running his hands through his hair, he is freaking out, I suspect that he is regretting it all.

I flash Finn a half smile. He pulls me towards him. My head rests against his shoulder, and my hand is on his bare chest.

"Finn" I say, and I can feel him holding his breathe as I start to speak. "I don't regret this. But I am really confused by it" I stroke his chest.

All sorts of thoughts are running through my mind. I want to stay, but I also need some time to myself. I really don't know what to do. Before I have really thought about it I make the following suggestion to Finn "Maybe, I should go home, we probably need some space".

"No please Rae" he begs.

"Finn, I think we need to...."

"No please Rae" he says more forcefully. He pulls away from me so that he is looking at me. I hate that I have caused him to look like this. Trust me to take this moment and ruin it for both of us. I nestle into him. I should of known better than to suggest that I would leave. Whatever this is going on with me, running is not an option, not unless I want to destroy Finn. Which I do not.

"Finn, I am sorry" I apologise, while hugging him and kissing his chest. I wish I had never opened my mouth. I don't know why I can't ever just be. Be with Finn. Be in the moment. Just be. No Not Rae Earl, she is has to complicate everything. I hate being me. I hate that I do this every fucking time and now I hate that I am putting Finn through this, when we should be able to just bask in what we have just shared.

We are quiet for the longest time. I wonder what is going on in his mind. Like Finn knows about my little internal conversation he kisses me on the top of my head. In that moment I know that I don't really want to go home, and I actually don't want to talk either. I just want to stay in Finn's arms for as long as he will let me be in them. I hold him tighter, trying to tell him I am not leaving without any words. He gives me a little squeeze like he understands.

We relax into one another. Finn is running his fingers along my arm. He seems to be making patterns, no stop, he is writing on my skin. "You what?" I say, feeling him smile.

"What Rae?" he replies giggling.

"What did you write on my arm?" I ask again. I can feel him writing again up my arm. I pull away from him, resting my chin on his chest.

"Finn, what did you write on my arm" I ask.

"You know what I wrote Rae and before you start, I don't ever say anything to you that I don't mean. If you can't believe it then I don't care" Finn reassures me.

I turn my head to the side, and smile. Finn is playing with me hair, and it feels so lovely to be this close to him. Finn may have told me that he loves me, but, it is hard for me to believe him. Part of me desperately wants to believe it, but there is just so much doubt that Finn could ever love someone like me, no matter how similar we are.

OH MY GOD, Finn just told me he loves me.