He can't sleep
He struggles to eat
What's the use
It won't help anything
People think anorexia nervosa
Is a women's disease
When in reality it affects men by 20%
Out of 24 million
Even higher since I don't know any guy who would come out and say
I'm anorexic
They'll just think you're gay and effeminate
At 4 my mom got divorced from our father
I stayed with her at first
She took her life two years later
Why'd you leave me mom
I need you now more than ever
At 6 I lived with my father
He wasn't the same
Drunk everyday
Belittling women
Small things setting off his temperament
I tried to help
But I just put myself in the spot light
Settling my fate
You loved me or so I thought
Hitting me if I messed up
Then you'd apologize
I'm sorry I didn't mean it
While touching me inappropriately
I'll make it better
I'm not sure if you were lonely or just sick
But the event that determined everything was on that day
October 7th my birthday
You came home drunk
Ignoring me as you went by
As you went to your room as you pass out
I was hurt that you didn't say anything
Then glad since I had the day off to celebrate
When I noticing you were snoring
I came home around 7
Locking the door and partaking in my normal routine
Not knowing that today my routine would be
Broken forever
I walk to my room after finishing and opened my door content
With how the day played
I flick the light switch and turn around
Then froze in shock
There you were lying in my bed waiting
Under the blankets
Leering you said
Happy birthday
I don't respond paralyzed not knowing what to do what to say
Ignoring my silence you said
Come here daddy wants to give you a gift
I tentatively walked with my heart thud thud thumping
I heard a hint of a threat
I don't feel safe
As soon as I get near you a cobra strikes at my wrist
Dragging me to your lap
There are two snakes binding me here
At the stake
Deceptively sweet you whisper to me
I've been waiting so long to do this now that you've grown to be such a young fine man I know it's time and that you're ready
Did I mention I was 14
Not once have I engaged in sexual activity
Though I stayed silent
Frightened with what would happen if I resist
I let you take it all
Attaining the crux of ecstasy
as I laid there unresponsive mind heart and body shattered beyond repair
You left not one bit sorry as I whimpered and started sobbing
I told no one thinking it would get better
It didn't but you are my father
My only remaining parent
I was disgusted by my reflection
Ants crawling under my skin
I washed till the stain of the memory no longer remained
Till my skin was rubbed raw and bleeding
It continued at first every 2 weeks then once a week
To everyday
I changed I work dark clothing
No cheery or lively colors
I ate out of stress
Then one day you told me after the crime scene
That I needed to lose weight
I went to the shower
Starting the same process
But this time I took a hard look in the mirror
Startled by the fat boy in the mirror
I wonder how I got out of shape so fast in a couple of months
Miles and miles of me filled the mirror
"Unacceptable"
That was the first day I heard the voice
Promising me control in a world of chaos
A is my only true friend I pushed the rest away
As I changed it didn't prove hard they didn't like the new me anyway
I slowly ate less then stopped completely
Starving
You enjoyed it it pleased you that I had such a slender body
I guess I was happy for the control for some of the praise
Like you look better than ever
There's my attractive athletic boy
You even treated me better
Though I was far from okay
I'm still suffering
Now you adulterated everything good left in me
I'm sick too
And I finally decided I'm going to speak today
I need help and so do you
