So, I was 13 when I entered Jr. High school. The first day was okay, I saw more people and the girls there were like, DROP.DEAD.GORGEOUS. Since the first day, I felt insecure.
These girls had the like perfect fucking bodies.
These girls looked happy.
These girls had friends.
These girls smiled.
From the first day, I wished I could be like them. They lived their lives without a care in the world. They were happy, and the smile on their faces showed it.
I had a huge crowd of friends too, but I never really opened up to them. Like at all. At school, my personality was different. I was loud, funny, I gave the right advice and no one saw through my shield. That was my shield, I only let people see that side of me so I wouldn't get all of them pretending to care. At the time, all I thought about these people was that they were fake. I thought that they didn't care about me. I thought that they would leave me out of their plans. I thought that they were only my friends because they felt bad for me. But I was wrong, they did see through my shield and they were all trying their hardest to break that shield and have me open up to them.
My friends in seventh grade were perfect. I felt like what they said was always the truth. They would tell me that I was perfect just the way that I was and that they would accept me for me because in the end, everyone has flaws.
For them to be telling me that was over the top, perfection. I loved every second of it and I really felt like I should tell them my... Issue.
I told them about my self harm that had again started up because of how much I hated myself and how much I wanted to change. At first most of them were shocked. I think that was their reaction because of how much they believed my act of being happy and loud and acting like I didn't have anything bothering me. I also told them not to feel sorry for me because I hated that.
Most of them were understanding but one of them wasn't. She just couldn't believe that someone would harm their own body because of wanting to be different. She couldn't believe how much I was going through and she said she wasn't going to judge me because she knew that their was more to the story than I was telling but she was going to be supportive of me during my tough times.
The day after I told them, I wasn't treated differently. They all acted as if I hadn't told them anything. Which I was loving! They were the only people who I acted my real self with. My real self is being obnoxious and sarcastic and being fucking fabulous. When I was real with them, I acted myself around my family and my brothers friends who basically lived at our house. One of them was Chris and I knew he had a thing for me because he would actually talk to me. He looked at me like a was a queen and I loved that because no one had treated me like that, ever.
For about a year, on and off, we dated. he was 15 and I was 13. His mom loved me and my mom and brother didn't know about us. We would kind of "sneak around". It feels weird to say that, but it is the truth. I would spend the night at his house and as awful as this sounds, we would sleep in the same bed. We never did anything, other than kiss and make out but that is as far as I let the relationship go. He wanted to go further but I never allowed it, because I was only 13 and I don't think that I was emotionally ready to take it to the next level.
Once he tried to finger me but I didn't let him. I was still 13 and I didn't like that he wanted to do that. I also didn't like the fact that he didn't care that I wasn't ready all he did want was to finger me. He told me that he really wanted to and I ALMOST gave in but in the end, I knew it was the wrong thing to do because of my age and because I clearly was not ready so I said no. Once he heard that, he looked shocked but he also looked pissed off. I told him that if that was all he wanted then he could find someone else to do let him do that because I sure wasn't. After my speech, I told him we were over.
About a month later, I decided to tell my friends about our "fling" which obviously, I was afraid to tell them abut. Once I told them, they didn't judge me or tell me I was an idiot for letting the relationship go for one year. What they said was;
"It is his loss, you are beautiful and anyone who has you is lucky."
Those people I still call friends today. They are the most loyal human beings ever. Although the guys might get cocky and shit, they are always telling me how much they love me. And the girls, are always being fucking bitchie ass divas but, they never let me forget how perfect I am to them and how lucky my next boyfriend is going to be to have me. I love them and they love me. My new family is beyond perfect and I love them 9,574,837,848,465,052,574x more than they love me. <3
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A/N:
Hey guys ^-^
The next chapters are going to be from this year and it will be kind of like a diary. I guess I'll tell you about my day and what not. Lol. But yeah. <3
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Stay cute <3
