June 3,2016
Depression is complete isolation. You feel empty.You don't know what to do. You don't feel anything anymore. Sadness. Guilt. Regrets. The whole bit come together. You cry for hours, upon hours but it still doesn't change anything. You constantly have Suicide on your mind. End it all. I could be free. I could be free from all the pain, and stress that consumes me. It can finally be over.You can not help this disorder that holds you. You have anxiety about what other people think of you. Society plays a huge role in anxiety. People are horrible. Humans in general. They can be so god damn cruel. We have problems from family problems, harassment, etcetera etcetera. It can all end in a blink of an eye. Then guilt will consume them. They pushed you to this. Words hurt don't you know. Think before you say something that can kill someone. I'm alone. I am the only one that understands myself best. They don't get it. They don't understand why you are always sad, because on the outside you're happy. Big fake smiles. It's my mask. My social media is where i really express my true feelings, and emotions. The only reason I am still alive typing this is because I push myself to become better. I'm only 14 years old. Maybe in another 4 years i can become something. I'll finally get out of this deadly city. I want to be on my own. Just by myself. If i am with someone else, I'll probably disappoint them just like I disappoint everyone else. I hate attention. People can say I am the way I am because i want attention. Not at all. Those people that have "depression" and constantly talk about it aggravate the living crap out of me. I'm sick of living in the world I do. I hate my appearance. So hide myself behind my mask of lies and smiles. I may come off as a cheerful person. But in reality i'm not happy. Not for a minute do i think of myself as a good person. I screw up so much. I'm a disappointment to everyone, so i shouldn't be here right? I should just disappear. And that is exactly what i plan to do. I'm gonna leave. Far, far away from everyone. It can finally be ok for me. The truth is I am not okay. I say "i'm fine" because I don't want to open up to people and show them who I really am. I'm scared to show them what my true feelings are. So I tell white lies to everyone. "I'm okay." "I'm fine." "I'll be fine." But i'm not. I never will be. I may try and fight my depression, but i'll never be okay. It is what it is. I overthink my overthinking. I do not want to be looked at. I'm a disgrace. Do not talk to me, I might do something stupid like open up to you. Go ahead, judge me. Pick out my insecurities. It's not like this is the first time I heard these unnecessary remarks. But you're just making me feel worse about myself. So keep putting me down, and judging me. I honestly don't give a flying fuck anymore. We all have our insecurities, and imperfections. So I sit here and cry myself to sleep over dumb shit. Why? Because I have depression. Always will. That's it. Goodbye.
