The night was warm as a lied there in bed. I could not stop thinking about how coy looked at me. I could have sworn that I was dreaming. I know it was only one look, but it totally melted my heart. I figured that I should be getting to bed soon beings I had a huge test in Biology tomorrow. As I started to drift off I pictured a world that was normal in my definition. I know that there is no such thing as normal, but there is definitely something better than what I have. It was six in the morning and the air from my room drifted it. It was a cool breeze and I was freezing. I wanted to wait for my alarm to go off, but I just couldn't. I don't have to be school till eight either so I decided that I was going to get up get breakfast and study for my huge test in biology. The biology stuff seemed like it was pretty easy so I just grazed it when I was studying. I was certain that I would pass. My dad came down stairs and asked me what I was doing up so early.
I told him that the breeze from my window was so cold that it woke me up.
He said that I should have just shut my window and went back to bed. Maybe he was right and I should still be in bed. He looked at me and said "I almost forgot you've got a concealing appointment this morning".
I said "do I really dad"?. Ugh fine as I punch myself in the stomach. I did not really want to go, but I have to. My dad told me to get in the shower and to get ready for the appointment.
I said "okay dad I will go get ready even if I don't want to". I took my time getting ready. I was actually pretty happy because I did not have to go to Language class and see stupid Cindy. She gets on my nerves so much, and I really hate that like a lot. As the water ran off my body I stood there taking in everything. I told myself just think I will be seventeen in two weeks. Which would be September 14. That is the day that I'm looking forward to because my dad is buying me my first car. That will be so amazing!!!!! At least I can keep myself busy with fixing the car. Yes I can do that it's just not a guy thing. My dad called to me and said hurry up!!!
I replied with "I'm coming dad". I got out of the shower which seems like I was in there for awhile, and I put on my blue cute denim shorts and my cute tank top. And I put my jacket over my tank top. It is a light jacket so I will not die in the California heat. I got in the car with my dad and the car ride was silent. I played my music in my headphones and my dad played his through the radio. My dad was a country guy, but I did not like to listen to that all the time. It drove me nuts. So I would listen to my music in the hopes that I would stay sane and actually enjoy what I was listening to. Of course I liked country, but I only like a little bit of it. It's better that way. I love the way that everyone seems to flow with my music. The beat gets me so pumped. As we pulled up outside the counseling center. My dad looks over at me and said that he was going to go to the grocery store and that he would be back in an hour. He was just going to go to window shop and better prepare himself for when we got paid. He likes to budget it out first. I walked in the doors of the center and I checked myself in. I was asking myself why the heck do I have to be here? No one is perfect, so why should I have to talk. Sure I have been suicidal, but no one would care if I was dead or alive anyway. Jill made her way out to the waiting room and asked me if I was ready. I told her that yes I am ready that let's get this over with.
She asked me "are you okay"?
I simply replied with "yes I am fine same as usual". "Death is imminent".
She looked at me with a glare and said "stop it that's not true".
Actually I replied with "that is very much so the case. There are a lot of things in this world that can kill one, and bring one to their end. It is all just a matter of time".
I'm going to spare you the boring details of the rest of our meeting and just tell you what she told me.
She said that "I need to be more positive and that for every negative thing that I say I need to say five positive things".
I was thinking to myself that was a bunch of bull. That I would be fine doing things the way that I do. I have gotten along this far doing things my way. I tried to hide my scars from her, but she told me to pull up my selves. She seen that I had been cutting and she was very mad with me. I just told her that I'd be okay to not worry about me so much. She still obviously was not happy one bit and she was going to tell my dad.
I said "I'll tell my dad".
The rest of the meeting was long and boring. At the end of the meeting we scheduled five more appointments because she was really open. Apparently I'm not the only one who hates this. I walked down the flight of stairs to the waiting room and outside to meet my dad. He was out there waiting. And I told him that he could take me to school now.
I said "oh and by the way dad I cut my arms with a hot blade".
He looked at me and said "that worries me why would you do that".
I replied with because life sucks dad.
