Bite The Bullet. [a jessie j fanfiction]

CHAPTER 17: Darling, You'll Be Okay.

We figured it wouldn't be sensible to spend a night out in the slums of London, so we'd decided to find a hotel somewhere. It would be pretty hard, considering Jessie was of course, Jessie J. I always forgot that. When she was with me, she was literally Jess Cornish. There was no J. That little consonant after her name changed everything. I hadn't told her that I wasn't keen on the whole celebrity aspect of everything, because trust me, I wasn't too keen on losing her either. I'd thought that if I told her exactly what I thought, she'd slip through my fingers, like everyone else did. Jessie was different, when she wasn't Jessie J anyway. It just felt right: Demi Hyde and Jess Cornish.

It was about 11pm, and we were surprised the taxi driver even let us in his car, because we were soaked right through, makeup smudged, and hair a complete mess. I'd given Jessie my jacket, to cover her identity; I mean the last thing we needed right now was someone recognising her. All we had was each other at that point, and honestly, that's all we really needed.

"Do you know if there are any good hotels around?" Jessie asked, lowering her voice and looking down. I slid in the car beside her and sort of leant in front of her, like I was protecting her. I was a "shield". The taxi driver turned lazily, almost head butting me. "Don't you have a house?" He grunted ignorantly. I leant back and folded my arms. Jessie remained staring down; I'd figured I'd do the talking. "Look, mate. We haven't had the best night. No. We don't have a home here, and honestly, why would we with people like you around here?" I ranted. "All we need, is a nice little hotel where we can rest our pretty little heads, yeah?" His brown eyes widened. "Righ'.. um well there's one just up the road. Nice little place." He chuckled before turning around and slamming his foot on the accelerator, causing Jessie to smack her head on the window. She whimpered and I grabbed her hand, squeezing it protectively. "D'you mind, mate?" I kicked the back of his chair violently and he came to a sudden stop. "We there already?" Jessie asked. The driver spun his head around and blinked quickly. "Out." He spat. "The hotel's up the road. I'm sure you'll survive." Jessie rolled her eyes and pulled the jacket over her head again.

We walked up the road lazily, hand in hand. Jessie leant into me heavily, causing me to stumble. I heard her giggle. "What's funny?" I asked, nudging her. She yawned before replying, "You're just funny." -"How am I funny?" She pulled away and looked up at me. "When you go all Londoner." She laughed again. "Born and bred 'ere yanno." I emphasised my Londoner accent. My accent changes a lot, depending on where in the world I am. I just kind of pick it up, you know? "I was too, don't go so overboard babe." She winked at me, before snatching her hand away and sprinting up the path. I rolled my eyes before chasing her. Like I'd mentioned before, I'm a pretty fast runner, considering the length of my legs. I caught up with her almost instantly and I wrapped my arms around her waist, jokingly but tightly. She squealed playfully and twisted around in my arms. "Trying to get away, ey?" I asked, before pecking her quickly on the lips. "Not anymore." She breathed, wrapping her arms tightly around my shoulders.

We stood looking at each other for a few minutes, breaking the stare every few seconds for another kiss. I felt something drip on my forehead and my eyes shot up. I felt another drip, and another, and another, in different places on my face. "Do you feel that?" Jessie looked up too, and then blinked vigorously and crumpled her nose cutely. "I think your expression speaks for itself, babe." I laughed and kissed her cheek.  The drips increased, and it took us both a few seconds to realise that it was actually rain. "Sherlock." Jessie said sarcastically, before flicking me directly in the middle of the forehead and breaking out of my grasp. She ran ahead again, straight for the hotel, the jacket pulled back over her head. I followed and we checked in.

We could only get a double bed, typical. I can't really blame the hotel, considering we arrived at roughly half eleven on a Saturday night. Every other room was taken, and honestly? I didn't actually mind having to share a bed with Jessie so much. Like, I wasn't even sure if we were technically girlfriend and girlfriend yet. Yeah, granted we had kissed and held hands and had conversations I wouldn't even think of talking to anyone else about, but I didn't want to start thinking things. I didn't want everything to be thrown back in my face like I was so used to. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Jessie is actually the first person I've told I loved them, and actually meant it. Obviously I've said it to family members, but its just what you do. You have to say it, they're your family. Me and Jessie didn't really have the perfect way of telling each other we loved one another, but when I screamed it to her, it gave me the best feeling. She meant a lot to me. Call me typical, I know. I know I'd only known her for what, a month? Even that? I never really believed in the love at first sight stuff, or fate, but its like both of those things washed over me at once. I say washed over me, but it was more like a full on rugby tackle. It actually hit me, in the very moment that I flopped down on the double bed. I was in love. With Jessie.

What the hell? I was in love with Jessie J?

I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes. I wasn't going to sleep, I was still fully clothed, but I needed to rest. I needed to think. I didn't want to love. My heart wasn't ready for another relationship. It was like I'd turned cold all of a sudden. My chest ached as Jessie flung herself beside me on the bed. Her fingers entwined with mine. It felt different. What was wrong with me? Her hand was cold, it felt hard. Like stone. Not like the Jessie I was used to. She didn't say anything, and I kept my eyes closed, tight. Her hand felt foreign to me, like I'd never touched it. I didn't hold it. My hand remained numb and limp in her grasp. After a few seconds of her clutch tightening, I began to recognise the hold again, but not as Jessie's. It felt like my ex girlfriend. I hadn't told you about that, had I.. Oh.

Yes, I used to have a girlfriend. We were in a serious relationship, but it was ages ago. Her name was Kaya, and I did used to tell her I loved her, a lot. I used to think I meant it, but now I know I truly didn't. It was coming up to our two years, and literally the day before, she cheated on me, in our own apartment. Yes, we'd bought an apartment together, it was a big step for me. She meant the world to me, and I was even considering proposing, until the stupid cow did what she did. I knew I could never trust her again. I was so angry and upset with her, so I cut her off completely. She kept telling me she loved me and how she begged for forgiveness so many times. I cried for so long, I felt weak for so long. She pushed me to the verge of depression. I hated life because of her, and I hadn't been with anyone since. I left for The Georgia-Rose a couple of weeks after the split, and I haven't seen her or spoken to her since. It's been nearly three years, wow. Even now, I hate her. And the fact that Jessie almost reminded me of her now, hurt me even more. I didn't want to risk getting hurt again, even if it was half as much as Kaya did, it would still kill me inside. I wasn't going to have that happen to me again.

I opened my eyes slowly and rolled my head over to face Jess. She stared at me with green orbs, before fluttering her eyelashes. Her happy smiley face quickly dropped as she noticed the tears prickling my eyes and trickling down my cheeks. "What's wrong baby?" She asked, letting go of my hand and cupping my cheek. I closed my eyes and leant into her. "I can't do this." I breathed, pulling away and standing up quickly. I wiped away the tears fiercely and felt a hand grab my wrist tightly. Jessie was standing behind me, and as I turned, I realised how close she actually was. "No." I said simply, trying to pull my hand away. Jessie was having none of it. She tightened her grip on my wrist and stepped even closer to me. "You aren't okay." -"I know I'm not okay, Jessie. It's your fault." The look on Jessie's face was hurt and sad, and it physically hurt me to be the person making her upset. It was all I knew, pushing people away when in all fairness, I needed them most. I knew I needed Jessie, but I didn't want to. I was too scared to actually love someone, like I loved her.

"What do you mean, its my fault? What have I done? A minute ago you were being sweet and nice. You were being Demi, but now it's like you've been possessed or something babe." She chuckled awkwardly, trying to clear the air. "No, I'm still Demi. Trust me." I managed to pull away from Jessie, rage burning my face. Why did my mind have to bring Kaya up again? I really didn't want to be doing this, but it was like I actually was possessed, but by the dark side of my brain. Tears were stinging in my eyes and I was struggling to breathe. I didn't know what was going on. "You've loved me, by the way. That's what you've done." I walked over to the end of the bed and stood beside it, trying to get away from Jessie, but the room wasn't exactly massive. "How is loving you a bad thing? I mean I'm Jessie J, think yourself lucky!" She joked, flipping her hair over her shoulder and laughing to herself. "That's exactly why though. You're Jessie J. That's why this can't work."

I broke down into tears and dropped to my knees. It felt like the rage inside me had disappeared almost instantly and now I was just left there, the cold, empty corpse. I was so vulnerable, and I couldn't do anything about it. Jessie knelt down in front of me and held me tightly, resting her chin on my shoulder.

"I'm not going anywhere. You might not want me, but you're not going to get rid of me." She stroked my hair gently. "Darling, you'll be okay."