Things I never told

INTRODUCTION : How I recovered :D

                              THIS IS JUST AN INTRODUCTION, IT'S NOT A DIARY 

                                                AND I'M KEEPING IT 100% REAL 

                                                  I HOPE IT HELPS SOME OF YOU

                                                                         KISSES xx

February 8th 2015,

Today, I woke up feeling kind of good, at least better than I had felt in a long time ... I bought a new diary. I know, I'm 17 now, I shouldn't need one. It won't be a diary anyway, it's a notebook. I want to become better , I will write down how everyday goes, and get better each day. I know I'm being irrealistic, but who knows ? And why not ?

The reason why I'm doing this is that I'm tired. I want to change, I need to change. I know how much I'm capable of. The last 5 years were so fucked up that I just gave up....It's sad. My grades could be better, my social life could definitely be better. Nothing should hold me back. It took a lot of pain to come to that realisation, but I'm here now, stronger. I can do this. 

LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE BACKSTORY (i'll try to make it as short as possible) : 

 For 5 years I've been depressed, I hated myself, my body, people .It all started when we moved out to a new city where literally everything was different, I was 12, all my close friends just kind of stopped talking to me. My besfriend especially. I never wanted to admit to myself that she was the reason why I got so depressed and miserable in the fisrt place, but now I know she definitely was, and it's okay. We had known each other since we were babies and we were inseparable -literally- we were always at her's or mine -including during vacations- never apart. And since she cared so much about being cool, she decided that me living in a small city wasn't cool enough or something, and I didn't see her for 6 months, which was a big deal back then. 

I was lost, super hurt, alone and mad at my parents for moving. Puberty was kicking in and my new school had a policy where only girls were obliged to wear white blouses. That shit messed me up way more than it should. I was furious, I didn't want to wear it, I got really bad insomnia because of it. But everyone there was used to it, I tried to protest but no one cared. It was apparently normal for boys to wear whatever they wanted but not girls... :)  Anyway I was a mess, I had no idea what depression even meant, I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot but I don't want to go open my old diary, it's the past now. I put on weight throughout the year, I started getting pimples, I broke my front tooth, got braces, then glasses, I went from attracting all the boys to hiding my face everyday with as much hair as I could. I thought my nose was too big, I thought I was too hairy and all the shit 13 year old girls think of themselves. 

But I'm not making fun of it now just cause I'm over it, it was hard, very hard. It went on for years. I completely hated every part of me and I couldn't trust anyone, I probably cried every night for at least 4 years straight, I'm not even kidding. My ex-bestfriend was doing just fine, she was beautiful, naturally blonde, had a ton of friends, cool parents, a boyfriend and a new bestie. Her and I used to get high and smoke and drink on occasions. My first drink was when I was 10; Yeah, her parents were that cool... Of course now I don't see them as cool. But I was dumb, not being able to be who I used to be anymore was killing me. So I did what no one should ever do : Go back to a person who made you miserable. I went and stayed with her all summer... She was nice and all and she missed me a lot.

I can't lie, it was the best summer of my life, it was like old times, but better cause we were older. I knew in the back of my mind that once the summer would end, we would go back to not seeing each other, but I ignored the thoughts. We traveled a lot, we went to really amazing places, we met people, we did crazy things, we stayed at really amazing houses, got high in beautiful balconies looking at the stars and listening to Adele's "21" album (it was 2011) and slept there after eating junk food, painting our nails, singing and laughing our asses out. My acne had disapeared, I lost weight, I got tan, I felt and looked amazing. I felt so happy and safe for two and a half months,  I have more memories with that girl than I will ever do with anybody else. It's rare to have what we had, we were like twins; Same kind of clothes, same taste in food, same weight and height,same age, same way of thinking, we never argued or disagreed.